Cliven Bundy may not recognize the United States, but he recognizes that the American flag provides a nice shade against the hot Nevada sun.
Somewhere in Nevada, a brave cattle rancher named Cliven Bundy and a ragtag team of supporters repelled the invasion of jack-booted federal thugs who came to steal his cows. That is, if you believe the Fox News’ version of the story. If you prefer more fact-based version, this rancher has used the federal lands for feeding his cattle and hasn’t paid for the land use for decades, until federal agents came to impound Bundy’s cattle for failing to pay over a million dollars – but faced with hundreds of armed and trigger-happy right-wing militants decided that starting a large-scale massacre for a few cows may not be the best course of action at this time. And according to Cliven Bundy, he is within his rights not to pay anything, because he doesn’t recognize the US government, only the state of Nevada, because he has the right to use the land since his family lived in and used the area since 1870’s, and because if his cows were taken from him, the nation would lose 500,000 hamburgers. That’s at least three different perspectives, so to complicate things even further, let me offer 10 more.
1) Leavitt family (which sold their ranch to the Bundy family in 1948): “We thought that Bundy family came to this land when they bought our ranch in 1948, but since Cliven says that Bundys lived here since 1877, we figure he owes us rent for living on our property for 71 year”.
2) Dr. Bill Burr, ophtalmologist: “I’ve worked with Bundy family for years, and unfortunately Mr. Bundy’s vision has deteriorated so much that not only he doesn’t recognize the US government, he no longer recognizes half his family and anyone he owes money to”.
3) Michelle Obama, First Lady/Anti-obesity advocate: “So if federal agents confiscate and sell Bundy’s cows, there’d be more money in the budget and fewer hamburgers on the tables? So wait, what’s the catch?
4) State of Nevada: “It doesn’t matter if Mr. Bundy says that he recognizes our state laws. Even if we did own the land, Bundy would then just say that he doesn’t recognize the state of Nevada, and would only recognize the county authorities”.
5) Mitt Romney, 2012 presidential candidate: “I think I heard something about him. He’s been mooching off the government for years, right? Yeah, he must be one of those freeloading Obama voters who voted against me in 2012”.
6) McDonalds, Inc.: “We ask our patrons not to worry about any potential hamburger shortage. This situation will have no impact on our business, since we haven’t really been using any actual meat in making our hamburgers for decades”.
7) Mr. Bundy’s cows: “We don’t think it’s makes sense for us to pick a side in this conflict between big government and unregulated private enterprise. Either way, we’re just hamburger meat”.
8) Richard Mack, a Bundy supporter: “If the feds were gonna start shooting at us, we’d put our own wives and daughter in front, so that feds would shoot at them. So don’t you be saying that we Republicans have this ‘War on Women’, cause we’re willing to put women first when it matters”.
9) American Vegan Association: “Mr. Mack’s words give us hope. If the most radical conservatives are ready to sacrifice the lives of their own wives and daughters to protect a few cows, it means that the day when we all stop killing and eating animals is not far away”.
10) Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: “Now that Mr. Bundy declared independence from the United Stated, Russia will take over his ranch as a consequence of a totally legitimate yesterday’s referendum, in which 97% of Mr. Bundy’s cattle voted in favor of joining the Russian Federation”.
List of X 
So…does this mean they will or won’t be serving burgers at the next tea party?
(I’m curious – how does he treat his Black Angus?)
LikeLike
To answer both your questions at once, I think that at the next Tea Party they’ll be throwing Black Angus steaks into Boston harbor.
LikeLike
Great list. #2 really made me laugh. Good lord. The heat in those Southern states really cooks up some nutty folks. It drives me crazy when a wealthy, white, far right, man, designates himself as oppresed and powerless and now must stand up for himself and fight the machine. Bitch, you are the machine!
LikeLike
Thank you! Being a victim is a very lucrative business position, every company knows that and tries to use this position to squeeze a few more bucks into its bottom line. But this “I’m a victim” pose is the most ironic when it comes from the same people who love to teach everyone about personal responsibility.
LikeLike
This guy recently made some horribly racist statements, too. It’s time for him to join his cows and just chew his own cud for a while.
LikeLike
Or, in another words, to keep his bullsh!t inside his ranch.
LikeLike
Goddam. That’s all.
LikeLike
Nothing changes for the conservatives. Sacrifice some cows to save other cows is, perhaps, their outlook.
LikeLike
I guess some of these cows are just a little more holy for them.
LikeLike
6 killed it for me.
LikeLike
Why bother with meat if there’s perfectly good “pink slime”, right?
LikeLike
Exactly my thought.
LikeLike
Dude, this is seriously one of the funniest things you’ve ever posted. Well, I think so anyway.
I had no idea about this dickhead so thanks for educating me. And closing out with #10 was just inspired.
LikeLike
Thank you! You’re not in the US, so I wouldn’t expect you to know about this guy. And I was reluctant to write about some backwoods farmer no one’s heard about, but he’s now apparently big enough news to make the CNN front page.
LikeLike
Haha! Awesome.
He’s a circus unto himself. Watching the layers of his craziness unfold is one, beautiful train wreck.
LikeLike
Yep, it’s almost exactly like a circus, except most of the clowns are armed.
LikeLike
This is the same clown who has “wondered” in front of a camera if Black folks weren’t better off during slavery..And though crazy as a loon there are Republican lawmakers who have previously(before his blantantly racist remarks) supported his “cause” ..Honestly, I ‘d not be shocked if they don’t still support him; away from the public eye. I was going to pen a post about Bundy being a poster child for ALL that is wrong with our country..Then I decided not to waste the time nor finger keystrokes. The fact this this was given air time as “news” is shameful & ridiculous. There is a name for people who don’t pay for things..Whether it is rent for land or food or whatever..The media has done an excellent job of convincing a great deal of people that this kind of smut is important news. It really isn’t…
LikeLike
Yes, I read about his “just wondering” if black people had it better in slavery. I did not include this into the post because the explanation of the situation was just getting too long – and this part of the story would probably warrant a separate post, which I think you should still write as you wanted to do originally. It’s not like you’d be writing for Bundy, you’d be writing it for yourself.
LikeLike
Naw, too many other positive things to focus on for me to waste time writing about Bundy.(but I did re-blog someone else’s post) My biggest issue with Bundy and the media? It wasn’t news worthy..And the fact that anyone, let alone so-called LAWmakers, supported him(even before he made it clear to the world his racist beliefs) is ridiculous..Lawmakers supporting someone who is breaking the law makes no sense. It did surprise me that CNN even jumped in to spotlight the story. Anyways , how was your Cali visit?
LikeLike
Cali was great! (I just came back which is why I’m only responding to comments now) I actually spent a couple of years there, but I’ve finally got to see LA and San Diego.
I think Bundy is definitely newsworthy – if not by himself, but definitely for the fact that hundreds of armed fanatics were ready to start killing federal officials for the right of a rancher to break the law, to defy court orders, and to steal from the government – to steal the taxes those very fanatics pay. And for the fact that Fox and entire right wing were willing to defend him – until he made some comments too racist even for them.
LikeLike
Glad you enjoyed Cali..It is pretty fabulous & will always be my home away from home!
Just got back from my sons’ graduation from University of Michigan..7th Black male in 30 years to attain his PHD in Education there..So my focus this past month has been on preparing for that week long trip/experience..Sadly X? There are alot of armed fanatics ready to come out in defense of ridiculous antics…No doubt a great deal of them here in gun-toting-redneck-insane enacted laws Florida! Fox I’m not surprised was behind a loony though..Par for the course with them..I guess Bundys’ story could be considered newsworthy..Lets us know with certainty the type of loonies out there..Scary!
LikeLike
Yikes, sounds like a bunch of idiots all the way around.
LikeLike
And what’s even worse, most of these idiots are armed.
LikeLike
“Murica!
LikeLike
This was great, especially #10.
Of course, the U.S. could just let this guy secede, then declare war on him and bomb his compound to smithereens. Of course, he ain’t worth the price of those explosives.
LikeLike
But the US doesn’t declare war on anyone, unless they have oil. Actually, scratch that, I think we now just bomb and invade countries without ever declaring war on them.
LikeLike
Either way, Mr. Rancher ends up flattened.
LikeLike
Where would all those militia wing nuts be if Mr. Bundy were, say, a Muslim? D’ya think?
LikeLike
Probably sitting at home and cheering on the feds. I also wonder what would happen if Mr. Bundy were black.
LikeLike
What about the Bocca Burger cows? Did anyone canvass them for an opinion? Or Rush Limbaugh? Or is Rush one of the illegally grazing bovines?
LikeLike
I’d rather not ask Rush Limbaugh for his opinion, because we get way too many opinions from him as it is. As for Boca cows, I can’t even trust their burgers to be meat, so I can’t really rely on their opinions either.
LikeLike
They are rather opinionated for soy products, aren’t they?
I’m hoping someone will put Rush out to pasture and let the bulls have their way with him.
LikeLike
I’m pretty sure these Boca cows are carnivorous, too. If regular cows eat vegetarian food and turn it into meat, the Boca cows should do the exact opposite, don’t you think?
LikeLike
Ha! You are clever.
LikeLike
Hahahaha. Though honestly, that’s an insult to the cowsies.
LikeLike
grazing not graving…sigh – stupid thumb splint….
LikeLike
Fixed – but just the typo. I wish I could fix your thumb as easily. 🙂
LikeLike
you’re so sweet – thanks
LikeLike
I laughed so hard I almost fell off mt stool! 😀
LikeLike
And I apologize for causing you physical injury… Actually, no, that would have been Obama’s fault anyway.
LikeLike
well said…well said..
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLike
Haha! Brilliant! I love this. Numbers 3 and 10 are my faves. You gotta keep an eye out for Putin. If someone complains they didn’t get their latte right in a Starbucks in Ottumwa, Iowa, Putin will take it over using Russian Spetznaz troops dressed as harried business executives.
LikeLike
It would be a whole different world with Russian Spetznaz watching out for everything.
Someone badmouthes Russian vodka – Russian Spetznaz will be there.
Someone let their Russian dressing go bad – Russian Spetznaz will be there.
Someone doesn’t want to play Russian roulette – Russian Spetznaz will be there to make them play with their AK-47’s.
LikeLike
“So don’t you be saying that we Republicans have this ‘War on Women’, cause we’re willing to put women first when it matters”.”
Oh, it’s going to be hard to wipe this smile of my face!
LikeLike
I’d rather keep the smile on your face, so I better not mention Bundy’s recent interviews.
LikeLike
His “picking cotton” comments? Yeah, I heard them.
I like the way a man who says he doesn’t believe in the United States of America rides around carrying the flag of the United States of America.
That’s a special kind of stupid.
LikeLike
I think it’s more a special kind of smart – believing you have all of the rights as an American, but refusing to accept any attached responsibility.
LikeLike
Thanks, X. You’ve provided the right wing another reason to hate Michelle Obama — not that they needed more!
LikeLike
Well, yeah, there are so many legitimate reasons to hate Michelle, like… umm… you know, that one… what was it? Oh yeah, her last name!
LikeLike
Not to mention her race. Uppity woman
LikeLike
Also she wants people to eat healthy. I mean, what bitch!
LikeLike
Ha! Excellent commentary X. As a Canadian, I often wonder at the extremes (using guns and stealing common resources) of US politics sometimes. It seems rather simple that one should pay for the use of resources. It actually is one of my pet peeves that corporate takes for granted that they can use water, minerals, forests, air, etc for free to line their own pockets while impoverishing the rest of us. It never has quite sat right with me. Keep up the great commentary X!
LikeLike
Thank you! I bet Cliven Bundy would not be happy at all if another farmer took his cows to graze on Bundy’s land.
LikeLike
Mr. Bundy’s fame made it also to Canada, not for the cow story but for the racist comment. Loved #1 and #10… and also everything in between!
LikeLike
Thank you! I heard about his racist comments, too, but the only reason his racist comments even made the news was because he’s the only one who gathered a few hundred-strong militia, openly aimed firearms at federal agents, and got away with it, at least for now.
LikeLike
Only periperherally heard of this guy, but he’s making the rounds in the local news. What a wanker. Actually, he may well be in need of a new occupation, and, well… there is a serious wanker shortage out there, from what I heard. I have no idea where I’m going with this. No where, evidently.
On-target hilarious as always, X, but I think this one really hits the mark. I always wait for the Putin Point… those are priceless, this one no exception. Cows voting. It could happen.
LikeLike
I don’t think there is ever a wanker shortage anywhere. Except maybe at the South pole – but I think even penguins can behave like wankers sometimes.
LikeLike
The chickens really came home to roost on this idiot! Has anyone mentioned what he went on to say that landed him in hot water? This week, he was quoted as saying that African-Americans were ruined by government subsidies and might be “better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life.” Woo-hoo! You should see Fox News run for the hills now! They were “shocked” to hear such repugnant statements come from a lunatic. I haven’t stopped laughing for days.
LikeLike
I admit, the right wing media turnaround on the guy was the funniest part of the story. However, as I was writing this post on my phone 3 hours before the alarm went off, I just didn’t have the energy to open up this whole new side of the story. But now I came back from a vacation, somewhat caught up on the news, and, apparently, there’s a whole new racist du jour now in the NBA.
LikeLike
It’s an unending parade. It’ll never end.
LikeLike
I’m just loving the fact that this guy’s name is “Bundy”. He makes Al Bundy on “Married . . . with Children” look like Nelson Mandela. Love the comment about putting women first. Of course if she were pregnant they couldn’t, though the newborns would be fair game.
LikeLike
Yeah, pregnant women would be exempted from the man-cover duty for the period of the pregnancy. But of course, only if they are legitimately pregnant.
The guy’s last name almost made me call him “Ted” a few times. And I think Cliven Bundy is really closer to Ted Bundy than Al Bundy.
LikeLike
11. The Southern Paiute: Well, then. Let’s settle this the old-fashioned way, Cliven.
LikeLike
I just hope that “old-fashioned way” doesn’t include measles blankets or forced resettlements. But yes, if there was anyone on those lands before feds, it wasn’t Bundy.
LikeLike
This is the best info on Bundy yet …. 5, 7, and 10 got biggest chuckles from me.
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLike
Hey, there,
Thought you may be interested in this. Important stuff:
https://mayone.us/
LikeLike
This sounds interesting in theory, but I don’t see how it is better than donating exactly to the candidate who has a real chance of winning and one I support.
LikeLike
Can’t wait until Putin shows up shirtless to help wrangle cattle. Git along, little dogies!
LikeLike
And I’m sure there’d be pictures showing how he lassoed all 500 cows with one rope.
LikeLike
Nobody makes me think and laugh at the same time like you do…
LikeLike
Thank you, and welcome back! I hope your vacation was great. I just came back myself, and SD is really a nice place. Not actually getting to meet you there was my biggest regret.
LikeLike
I am bummed too… let me know when you come back.
LikeLike
I will try to. I’ve only spent 3 or so days in the SoCal, and barely saw enough of it.
How was Hawaii?
LikeLike
oh man… it was awesome… I will be doing posts for weeks
LikeLike
Pingback: 10 Reasons Why Federal Government Should Not Fight Terrorist Invasion, I Mean, Patriotic Takeover In Oregon | List of X