Somewhere in Nevada, a brave cattle rancher named Cliven Bundy and a ragtag team of supporters repelled the invasion of jack-booted federal thugs who came to steal his cows. That is, if you believe the Fox News’ version of the story. If you prefer more fact-based version, this rancher has used the federal lands for feeding his cattle and hasn’t paid for the land use for decades, until federal agents came to impound Bundy’s cattle for failing to pay over a million dollars – but faced with hundreds of armed and trigger-happy right-wing militants decided that starting a large-scale massacre for a few cows may not be the best course of action at this time. And according to Cliven Bundy, he is within his rights not to pay anything, because he doesn’t recognize the US government, only the state of Nevada, because he has the right to use the land since his family lived in and used the area since 1870’s, and because if his cows were taken from him, the nation would lose 500,000 hamburgers. That’s at least three different perspectives, so to complicate things even further, let me offer 10 more.
1) Leavitt family (which sold their ranch to the Bundy family in 1948): “We thought that Bundy family came to this land when they bought our ranch in 1948, but since Cliven says that Bundys lived here since 1877, we figure he owes us rent for living on our property for 71 year”.
2) Dr. Bill Burr, ophtalmologist: “I’ve worked with Bundy family for years, and unfortunately Mr. Bundy’s vision has deteriorated so much that not only he doesn’t recognize the US government, he no longer recognizes half his family and anyone he owes money to”.
3) Michelle Obama, First Lady/Anti-obesity advocate: “So if federal agents confiscate and sell Bundy’s cows, there’d be more money in the budget and fewer hamburgers on the tables? So wait, what’s the catch?
4) State of Nevada: “It doesn’t matter if Mr. Bundy says that he recognizes our state laws. Even if we did own the land, Bundy would then just say that he doesn’t recognize the state of Nevada, and would only recognize the county authorities”.
5) Mitt Romney, 2012 presidential candidate: “I think I heard something about him. He’s been mooching off the government for years, right? Yeah, he must be one of those freeloading Obama voters who voted against me in 2012”.
6) McDonalds, Inc.: “We ask our patrons not to worry about any potential hamburger shortage. This situation will have no impact on our business, since we haven’t really been using any actual meat in making our hamburgers for decades”.
7) Mr. Bundy’s cows: “We don’t think it’s makes sense for us to pick a side in this conflict between big government and unregulated private enterprise. Either way, we’re just hamburger meat”.
8) Richard Mack, a Bundy supporter: “If the feds were gonna start shooting at us, we’d put our own wives and daughter in front, so that feds would shoot at them. So don’t you be saying that we Republicans have this ‘War on Women’, cause we’re willing to put women first when it matters”.
9) American Vegan Association: “Mr. Mack’s words give us hope. If the most radical conservatives are ready to sacrifice the lives of their own wives and daughters to protect a few cows, it means that the day when we all stop killing and eating animals is not far away”.
10) Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: “Now that Mr. Bundy declared independence from the United Stated, Russia will take over his ranch as a consequence of a totally legitimate yesterday’s referendum, in which 97% of Mr. Bundy’s cattle voted in favor of joining the Russian Federation”.