Last Saturday, a group of armed militiamen had occupied the visitor center, museum, and gift shop in the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in eastern Oregon. This was a protest over federal government jailing a couple of local ranchers for setting fire on federal land, and as of now, the protesters are still there. The gunmen were led by Ammon Bundy, winner of Best Serial Killer Name contest and a son of Nevada rancher who almost started a civil war in over his refusal to pay for use of federal land (More on that here). The media had pointed out that if these gunmen were black, Muslim, or Hispanic, they would be referred to as “thugs”, “terrorists”, or “narco-cartels”, respectively, and the feds wouldn’t hesitate to use extreme violence to crush their, respectively – riot, insurgency, or invasion. So while bloodthirsty liberals demand that the government wipes out these peaceful protesters, here are 10 reasons why the feds shouldn’t do that.
1) While these peaceful thugs… I mean, radical patriots… are holed up in the middle of nowhere, we can be sure they won’t be causing any mischief anywhere else.
2) The occupiers spend a lot of time in the forests and mountains, don’t follow the norms of the civilized society, and therefore have every right to be at the wildlife refuge.
3) These people are not terrorists. It’s not like they’re threatening people with guns unless their demands are met and their comrades are released from prison… oh wait…
4) It’s possible that the protesters just got lost on the way, because real American patriots never take orders from a talking box made in China.
5) These patriots are the only ones who can defend America against migratory birds who come from Mexico and Canada, stealing our worms and crapping all over our great country.
6) The Occupy Nowhere movement has a constitutional right to protest tyranny – and the way every museum has to be exited through the gift shop is the very definition of tyranny. Also, the extortionate gift shop prices are a major contributor to the decline of the middle class.
7) Feds cannot plan an attack, because it is impossible to tell how many militants are actually in the compound since their white Ku Klux Klan robes make them almost invisible in the snow.
8) Also, the feds can just wait for the winter to really kick in, and then just easily pry the occupiers’ guns from their cold, dead hands.
9) Even with feds doing nothing, the Fox News can turn the refuge into a Civil War battle site, thus increasing the number of potential visitors and providing extra money for the environment.
10) The refuge occupation has a lot of public support. In fact, since all county schools have been closed as a result of the standoff, the occupation enjoys a 92% approval rating within the crucial 6 to 18 county demographic.