10 Reasons Why Federal Government Should Not Fight Terrorist Invasion, I Mean, Patriotic Takeover In Oregon

Peaceful protesters Image source: Oregon live

Malheur standoff: a peaceful protest as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment.
Image source: Oregon live

Last Saturday, a group of armed militiamen had occupied the visitor center, museum, and gift shop in the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in eastern Oregon. This was a protest over federal government jailing a couple of local ranchers for setting fire on federal land, and as of now, the protesters are still there. The gunmen were led by Ammon Bundy, winner of Best Serial Killer Name contest and a son of Nevada rancher who almost started a civil war in over his refusal to pay for use of federal land (More on that here). The media had pointed out that if these gunmen were black, Muslim, or Hispanic, they would be referred to as “thugs”, “terrorists”, or “narco-cartels”, respectively, and the feds wouldn’t hesitate to use extreme violence to crush their, respectively – riot, insurgency, or invasion. So while bloodthirsty liberals demand that the government wipes out these peaceful protesters, here are 10 reasons why the feds shouldn’t do that.

1)  While these peaceful thugs… I mean, radical patriots… are holed up in the middle of nowhere, we can be sure they won’t be causing any mischief anywhere else.

2)  The occupiers spend a lot of time in the forests and mountains, don’t follow the norms of the civilized society, and therefore have every right to be at the wildlife refuge.

3)  These people are not terrorists. It’s not like they’re threatening people with guns unless their demands are met and their comrades are released from prison… oh wait…

4)  It’s possible that the protesters just got lost on the way, because real American patriots never take orders from a talking box made in China.

5)  These patriots are the only ones who can defend America against migratory birds who come from Mexico and Canada, stealing our worms and crapping all over our great country.

6)  The Occupy Nowhere movement has a constitutional right to protest tyranny – and the way every museum has to be exited through the gift shop is the very definition of tyranny. Also, the extortionate gift shop prices are a major contributor to the decline of the middle class.

7)  Feds cannot plan an attack, because it is impossible to tell how many militants are actually in the compound since their white Ku Klux Klan robes make them almost invisible in the snow.

8)  Also, the feds can just wait for the winter to really kick in, and then just easily pry the occupiers’ guns from their cold, dead hands.

9)  Even with feds doing nothing, the Fox News can turn the refuge into a Civil War battle site, thus increasing the number of potential visitors and providing extra money for the environment.

10)  The refuge occupation has a lot of public support. In fact, since all county schools have been closed as a result of the standoff, the occupation enjoys a 92% approval rating within the crucial 6 to 18 county demographic.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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59 Responses to 10 Reasons Why Federal Government Should Not Fight Terrorist Invasion, I Mean, Patriotic Takeover In Oregon

  1. The Cutter says:

    If Alfred Hitchcock is right about the birds, we’ll all be thanking these guys

    Liked by 1 person

    • List of X says:

      If Alfred Hitchcock is right about the birds, these militants need to worry about the birds much more than about the feds. Feds won’t put a 200,000 strong force against them, geese can.

      Like

  2. aFrankAngle says:

    Why don’t these guys do something useful like decreasing the Canada Geese population in Ohio.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Amaya says:

    The migratory birds one still has me chuckling. I love it.

    Like

  4. Elyse says:

    The Occupy Nowhere movement — that moniker needs to be adopted!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Steve Ruis says:

    Only the U.S. Conservative movement can take a Bill of Rights Amendment designed to protect the government from insurrectionists and turn it into a right to resist tyranny through insurrection. Sheesh!

    Like

  6. JunkChuck says:

    Don’t forget the awesome hashtags this circus is generating: #Y’allQueda, #vanillaISIS, #YokelHaram, #al-Shabubba, and #YeeHawd. These hayseed tax dodgers and wannabe land grabbers have unwitting ushered in a creative storm the likes of which hasn’t been seen Hemingway bullied Fitzgerald in 920’s Paris.

    Like

  7. Carrie Rubin says:

    And let’s not forget that if the government waits long enough, the protesters will run out of snacks…

    “winner of Best Serial Killer Name contest”—Ha, too true!

    Like

  8. mhasegawa says:

    As a birder, I appreciate number 5 and all the comments about those pesky Canada Geese.

    Like

  9. Kim says:

    Thank you for the laugh this morning! I really needed it. 🙂

    Like

  10. Jim Wheeler says:

    But seriously, the best way to deal with this stuff is through money, something the feds know how to do. The developer in my area does it – he puts a lien on the property of those who refuse to pay their homeowner’s fees. Not a quick solution but in the end it’s effective. The pressure builds. In the case of the “patriots” it could be a fine with a heavy non-payment fee (5% per month, compounded?). Of course the notices would have to be mailed to them via the USPS. I wonder if they use that federal service? Or it could be via the IRS. No problem there, I’m sure the hate level is already at maximum, can’t go any higher.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Actually, the local ranchers whom the Y’all Qaeda is supporting had paid the damages, served a sentence, and this week surrendered to serve out the additional jail terms because they were supposed to be sentenced according to mandatory minimums and weren’t. (I think their punishment was too harsh, but that’s the problem with mandatory minimums, not their specific case). Even the attorney for these ranchers said that the Bundymen don’t speak for them.
      So liens here won’t help since these militiamen are doing something worse than just not paying the fees for using federal land.
      I’m not even sure how liens will help in the Cliven Bundy’s case – they will make it impossible to sell his land – but if he isn’t selling it, it’s probably not much of a leverage.

      Like

  11. Seriously… what is their end-game here? Also, you are a genius… and not the evil kind who wants to take over the world… like me…

    Like

  12. #8 is truly brilliant. It’ll be hard to top tha. It’s your Stairway to Heaven.

    Like

  13. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    This .. I simply need to share … take some time to read it, please! TY!!

    Like

  14. rossmurray1 says:

    So much to love. Let those guys read it and I’m sure they’ll just laugh and laugh and say, “You know what? We all are being silly. Let’s surrender, boys.” And then they read No. 7…

    Like

  15. Dreamer9177 says:

    Reblogged this on Dreamer9177's Blog and commented:
    Awesome observations

    Like

  16. Especially loved the number ten group demographic. Eggheads probably accounted for the other eight percent. Charlton Heston, would have loved number eight. 😀

    Like

  17. goldfish says:

    The Occupy Nowhere movement… snort.

    Like

  18. I’m for building a wall just around them, and turning them into an exhibit. “And on our right is a monument to stupidity. Stupid….not even once”.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      “Please don’t feed and especially don’t taunt these poor creatures. They may be stupid, but they’re still extremely dangerous, at least until they run out of ammo.”

      Like

  19. Glazed says:

    I think #8 was very clever. Charlton Heston would be proud.

    Like

  20. Grandtrines says:

    Reblogged this on Debatable News: Mainstream to Tinfoil Hat and more and commented:
    Ha Ha, pretty funny. But, let’s face it, soon they will run low on supplies. I think it would be pretty funny if the MARSHALLS actually sent in food themselves. This would be good PR for the Marshalls, bad PR for the standoff guys, and eventually the standoff guys would die of boredom. Then, afterwards, the Marshalls BILL the standoff guys for the supplies at standard Department of Defense prices ($16,000 for a hammer, etc.) Wait, maybe I should just turn this into a novel…. 🙂

    Like

    • List of X says:

      From what I read, there isn’t any kind of a blockade around the refuge, so the standoff guys just come and go as they please, and can always buy more supplies in town. Which is not ideal for actually resolving for the situation, but great for the local economy.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. That poor, poor gift shop. Those postcards and refrigerator magnets weren’t hurting anybody and now they’re stuck in the middle.

    Like

  22. Unbelievable story. What I loved most was when they used the internet to beg for needed supplies (like energy drinks!) to be delivered through the socialist post office. Wow. It reminds me of Washington and his men at Valley Forge.

    Like

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