In the last few months, a lot of people, including many in the media and in the Obama administration, have been arguing that certain things, like demonizing Muslims or refusing Syrian refugees, are exactly what ISIS wants, and if we want to defeat ISIS, we must stop doing these things. Therefore, whenever you’re thinking of doing anything, you should always consider whether it might be something that ISIS wants. Unfortunately, it may be difficult to contact your nearest ISIS representative to get clear guidance on whether they would approve of your action or not, but, apparently, ISIS wants to radicalize all Muslims, and kill all non-Muslims, so ISIS would want us to do whatever things that helps them reach these two objectives. So to help you, here are 10 of the things that ISIS wants and we therefore must immediately stop doing.
1) Arguing we should refuse any Syrian refugees: According to the Obama administration, closing the border to Syrian refugees would force them to radicalize, which would play right into ISIS’ hands. Therefore, if we want to deny ISIS the access to thousands of radicalized extremists, we need to take in the very people who are most likely to radicalize – even better if they’ve already radicalized. This is why the proposed refugee vetting process will be so important.
2) Binge-watching Netflix while binge-eating ice-cream and Cheetos: Sedentary lifestyle and heart disease are the largest killers of Americans. I imagine ISIS can’t wait for you to plop on the couch in front of your TV and click on the next episode of Scandal.
3) Driving to work: Automobile accidents kill thousands of Americans every year, so tell your boss you won’t come to work because that would be exactly what ISIS wants.
4) Demanding that we fight ISIS with airstrikes and troops on the ground: ISIS wants to drag the West into a full-scale war, because it helps them raise the profile of their organization and radicalize more Muslims.
5) Owning a gun: Statistically, if you own a gun, you’re about a thousand times more likely to get shot with it than to actually use it to defend yourself against an Islamic terrorist, thus saving ISIS the effort of actually training terrorists.
6) Criticizing people who draw cartoons of prophet Muhammad for offending Muslims: This isn’t just what ISIS wants, it’s what ISIS actually does.
7) Taking care of the environment: ISIS is planning to establish a worldwide caliphate, so they obviously want the planet to remain habitable.
8) Saying “Merry Christmas”: This excludes and alienates Muslims, which can lead to their radicalization. (However, saying “Happy Holidays” instead radicalizes Christians, who then in turn get angry at Muslims, thus once again radicalizing Muslims. Oh, and I hope you’re not planning to solve this dilemma by staying home and watching Netflix.)
9) Going to a Christmas or New Years parties: Going to parties during the height of the flu season helps spread germs. Don’t become an unwitting biological warfare pawn of ISIS.
10) Ignoring this post and not sharing it on social media: ISIS wants to be taken seriously, and simply by reading this post you’re doing your part in the fight against ISIS.
Feel free to add more things we need to stop doing. And Merry Chr… ummm… I mean, Happy Ho…ermmm… Joyful Days Off to you all!