10 Things You Must Immediately Stop Doing Because They Are Exactly What ISIS Wants

"What do we want?" "The Things!" "When do we want them?" "Now!"

“What do we want??”
“When do we want it?”

In the last few months, a lot of people, including many in the media and in the Obama administration, have been arguing that certain things, like demonizing Muslims or refusing Syrian refugees, are exactly what ISIS wants, and if we want to defeat ISIS, we must stop doing these things.  Therefore, whenever you’re thinking of doing anything, you should always consider whether it might be something that ISIS wants. Unfortunately, it may be difficult to contact your nearest ISIS representative to get clear guidance on whether they would approve of your action or not, but, apparently, ISIS wants to radicalize all Muslims, and kill all non-Muslims, so ISIS would want us to do whatever things that helps them reach these two objectives. So to help you, here are 10 of the things that ISIS wants and we therefore must immediately stop doing.

1)  Arguing we should refuse any Syrian refugees: According to the Obama administration, closing the border to Syrian refugees would force them to radicalize, which would play right into ISIS’ hands. Therefore, if we want to deny ISIS the access to thousands of radicalized extremists, we need to take in the very people who are most likely to radicalize – even better if they’ve already radicalized. This is why the proposed refugee vetting process will be so important.

2)  Binge-watching Netflix while binge-eating ice-cream and Cheetos: Sedentary lifestyle and heart disease are the largest killers of Americans. I imagine ISIS can’t wait for you to plop on the couch in front of your TV and click on the next episode of Scandal.

3)  Driving to work: Automobile accidents kill thousands of Americans every year, so tell your boss you won’t come to work because that would be exactly what ISIS wants.

4)  Demanding that we fight ISIS with airstrikes and troops on the ground: ISIS wants to drag the West into a full-scale war, because it helps them raise the profile of their organization and radicalize more Muslims.

5)  Owning a gun: Statistically, if you own a gun, you’re about a thousand times more likely to get shot with it than to actually use it to defend yourself against an Islamic terrorist, thus saving ISIS the effort of actually training terrorists.

6)  Criticizing people who draw cartoons of prophet Muhammad for offending Muslims: This isn’t just what ISIS wants, it’s what ISIS actually does.

7)  Taking care of the environment: ISIS is planning to establish a worldwide caliphate, so they obviously want the planet to remain habitable.

8)  Saying “Merry Christmas”: This excludes and alienates Muslims, which can lead to their radicalization. (However, saying “Happy Holidays” instead radicalizes Christians, who then in turn get angry at Muslims, thus once again radicalizing Muslims. Oh, and I hope you’re not planning to solve this dilemma by staying home and watching Netflix.)

9)  Going to a Christmas or New Years parties: Going to parties during the height of the flu season helps spread germs. Don’t become an unwitting biological warfare pawn of ISIS.

10)  Ignoring this post and not sharing it on social media: ISIS wants to be taken seriously, and simply by reading this post you’re doing your part in the fight against ISIS.

Feel free to add more things we need to stop doing. And Merry Chr…  ummm… I mean, Happy Ho…ermmm… Joyful Days Off to you all!

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

62 Responses to 10 Things You Must Immediately Stop Doing Because They Are Exactly What ISIS Wants

  1. I’m not a big fan of either side of the political aisle saying the exercising of free speech might embolden our enemies. During the build-up to the Iraq War we heard the Right saying any criticism of the war would embolden America’s enemies and might actually lead to more terrorism. Now we hear the Left saying any questions about Radical Islam will embolden the terrorists. It seems we’re getting closer to a world in which all questions could theoretically lead somebody somewhere to violence.


  2. john zande says:

    The top US song of 2015: “I’ve got ISIS on my mind”

    Have a great Christmas, X, and thanks for the laughs.


  3. Ankur Mithal says:

    …and how about X continuing to post ridiculously funny articles on his blog? Can only lead people to flee from any place and society that allows such free speech and debate. And where does that road lead???


    • List of X says:

      Yes, free speech can’t possibly lead to anything good. I mean, even when the speech is restricted you can usually say all kinds of positive things, but it takes free speech to allow complaining, whining, criticism, and all other kinds of negative speech.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Maybe Americans need to stop not being in ISIS…..if we all join, then ISIS will implode with self hate. There’s no way that wouldn’t work.

    Liked by 2 people

    • List of X says:

      I can just imagine a part of ISIS then arguing things like “No Muslim should be allowed to lead ISIS”, or “Where’s al-Bagdadi’s birth certificate? What if he’s a Kenyan socialist?”, or “we should secede from ISIS and form a better ISIS because we disagree that there should be any minimum wage or health insurance for ISIS fighters!”
      Yeah, this could totally work.

      Liked by 3 people

  5. aFrankAngle says:

    To fit for the season, ISIS wants us to order online because we are scared to go to the mall. Bestivus of seasons greetings to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Jim Wheeler says:

    This post comes just in time. Yesterday the wife and I nearly got run down in a parking lot by a speeding teenager in a car full of his friends and last night we barely avoided being in a collision of two cars in front of us. Everybody is running around DISTRACTED and I’m certain it’s because of ISIS. I’m going to withdraw from society now and hunker down with my new AR-15. (Will FEDEX deliver ammo to my front door? Just wondering.) Thanks, X!


  7. Elyse says:

    My dear X,
    Your post has left me wondering whether it is safe to already be at work, because there are windows here in my office and a terrorist could terrorize others by shooting me … If I had only read your post before heading to work, I would have stayed home. Safe, except from possible home invaders. Life didn’t used to be quite so complicated.

    Have a Joyous Day/Days off, X. Thanks for your always astute observations.


    • List of X says:

      I think if you’re already at work, you might already be safer than at home, because, statistically, you’re in much more danger from your friends and family than from colleagues and terrorists.
      On that note, have a Merry Christmas with your friends and family. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Elyse says:

        Merry Christmas to you, too, X.

        And I may not be totally safe here. This is a very international crowd — 15 people, 9 nationalities. So we might just be harboring terrorists. Or illegals. Or something else that Donald Trump dislikes…. I’ll keep my head down, though.


  8. Glazed says:

    As a follower of Isis, I feel offended by this post. Isis represents the ideal mother and wife. She is also the patroness of nature and magic. She’s the first daughter of Geb (not to be mistaken with Jeb Bush), who is the God of the Earth, and Nut, who is the Goddess of the Sky.

    If you continue to insult her, she will shed tears of sorrow that will flood the Nile. This will cause mass starvation, warfare, and a pestilence upon the earth. So please be kind to Isis, and may you live in peace, and be fruitful, and have many children and a good, obedient wife.


    • List of X says:

      I apologize. I read the first five words of your comment and called the FBI.
      Then i read the whole thing, and I realized I made the right call, because we can’t let your goddess win either. And no one can threaten America with warfare. That’s our thing. And we can also make our own mass starvation (thanks to food stamps-cutting politicians) and pestilence (thanks to vaccine skeptics).

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Carrie Rubin says:

    At least I’m safe with #9. Parties aren’t my thing. Neither is the flu…

    Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays to you!


  10. I’m guilty of ISIS-friendly ploy #17: Leaving the toilet seat up in the middle of the night.


  11. goldfish says:

    I’ve done my part by reading this post! I feel so much better now.


  12. The Cutter says:

    Crap, I think the terrorists really are going to win then


  13. EagleAye says:

    Haha! Excellent list. I’m still smiling. I think another thing ISIS wants is that Americans keep eating Big Macs & fries and avoid eating any of that “foreign food.” So to combat ISIS, I’m eating as much Arabic Shwarma, Kubideh, and Dolmas as I can get my hands on. The Arabic guys who serve up these delights actually get to meet a white guy who’s happy to see them, thus preventing their radicalization in the future. Other white folks see me eating them and want to try them too, thus more Americans realize that good things can come from our Arabic brothers. This prevents further radicalization of Americans. Okay, it’s not such a big sacrifice on my part. I’m majorly addicted to these foods anyway, but I just want folks to know another way to pitch in towards peace.


    • List of X says:

      That’s probably a great way to prevent radicalization. If they’re too exhausted from making our food and counting their profits, they will have neither the time nor the energy to radicalize.
      And I do want a shawarma now. I used to work near a shawarma place and went there for lunch so often, they were starting my usual order as soon as they saw me walking into their door.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. The owning a gun one is funny and sad… and just… so… depressing…


  15. The Hook says:

    I better get on that!


  16. I think people being shot with their own guns is a way of thinning the heard. Or is that too harsh?

    Never mind a Christmas or New Year’s part. My family went on a cruise ship over the holidays and we all came back sick. Some souvenir. There’s more than one way to skin a cat.

    I think ISIS would hate it if people sent you cash in unmarked envelopes. Imagine how angry that’d make them.


    • List of X says:

      I think if people would send me cash in completely unmarked envelopes, these envelopes won’t get to me and that would make me just as angry as ISIS. But otherwise I agree, and I don’t understand why people are so willing to let ISIS win.
      Sorry to hear about your cruise experience. What probably makes it worse is that we had pretty much tropical weather around Christmas right here in the Northeast.


  17. Pingback: Pingbacks and Twitter Mentions, Are You Up to Snuff? | The Write Transition

  18. rossmurray1 says:

    Missed this. Well played.


  19. Trent Lewin says:

    I have a horrible feeling that ISIS wants me to run about naked in the snow while doused in maple syrup and bearing a paint roller… but I will not! Oh wait, but if I don’t, then I’m kind of doing what they want, aren’t I? So I should probably just go ahead and do it, which fits right into their plans… which I must thus thwart by refraining, and so on. I think. Well thanks X, my head is now officially a mess.


  20. Nooooooo!!! Not number 2! Not number 2!! I can never stop that!!!!


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