Last weekend, after long and difficult negotiations, representatives from 195 countries agreed to historic plan to lower the carbon emissions and slow down the climate change. The signers included countries from as large as the United States and China to tiny island nations like Nauru that could disappear due to the rising sea levels. It’s not exactly clear what the agreement will actually accomplish, since while the countries set the goals to reduce the greenhouse gas emissions, there is nothing that would enforce these goals – which is kind of like making prison optional for bank robbers as long as they promise to not rob any more banks. But at least it’s better than nothing and gives some hope to those who are concerned about the global warming – or adds to angst of those who think global warming is a hoax. Here 10 of the reactions to the climate change agreement.
1) Marco Rubio, Republican Senator: “I think this is a terrible deal. Frankly, any deal is a failure if it doesn’t repeal Obamacare and doesn’t stop Iran from building nuclear bombs.”
2) Donald Trump, reality TV star: “Obama is a weak leader and an incompetent negotiator. If I were doing the negotiating, I would negotiate the planet right back into the ice age!”
3) Ted Cruz, Republican Senator: It might be possible that this global warming is real, which is why we should immediately nuke the Middle East. Not only this bombing would destroy ISIS, but an added benefit is that a nuclear war would lead to nuclear winter, which is the only thing that can successfully lower the global temperatures.
4) Baron Waca, President of Nauru: We’re glad that there is an agreement, but since it’s not binding, we’re still ordering the life rafts.
5) North American Association of Polar Bears: “Do they have these life rafts in white?”
6) Rush Limbaugh, major greenhouse gas emitter: “I don’t think we need to worry about global warming, and it’s certainly not man-made. It’s all just natural cycles – basic science says that whenever there is a global warming in the North Hemisphere, there’s a global cooling in the Southern Hemisphere, and vice versa.”
7) Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: “I really hope this agreement fails, or there goes our hope for finally making Siberia habitable.”
8) U.S. Chamber of Commerce: “This deal will cost jobs – and not just thousands of jobs of coal miners and oil workers. Think of the millions of potential jobs that could be created rebuilding the cities and infrastructure ravaged by constant floods due to rising sea levels!
9) Pete Roleum, oil industry analyst: “As bad as this agreement might be for the industry, it’s good that it’s happening now – when the price of oil is as low as it is now, it probably makes more economic sense for the oil companies to pump the oil back into the ground.”
10) Ben Carson, amateur historian: “I don’t think global warming is real. And even if it is, we don’t have to worry about it, because we can just store all the snow we need in the pyramids.”