10 Reaction to The Climate Change Agreement

scorched_earth1

If the global warming trends continue, this is what the North Pole is predicted to look like in a few decades. Image source: meic.org

Last weekend, after long and difficult negotiations, representatives from 195 countries agreed to historic plan to lower the carbon emissions and slow down the climate change. The signers included countries from as large as the United States and China to tiny island nations like Nauru that could disappear due to the rising sea levels. It’s not exactly clear what the agreement will actually accomplish, since while the countries set the goals to reduce the greenhouse gas emissions, there is nothing that would enforce these goals – which is kind of like making prison optional for bank robbers as long as they promise to not rob any more banks. But at least it’s better than nothing and gives some hope to those who are concerned about the global warming – or adds to angst of those who think global warming is a hoax. Here 10 of the reactions to the climate change agreement.

1) Marco Rubio, Republican Senator: “I think this is a terrible deal. Frankly, any deal is a failure if it doesn’t repeal Obamacare and doesn’t stop Iran from building nuclear bombs.”

2) Donald Trump, reality TV star: “Obama is a weak leader and an incompetent negotiator. If I were doing the negotiating, I would negotiate the planet right back into the ice age!”

3) Ted Cruz, Republican Senator: It might be possible that this global warming is real, which is why we should immediately nuke the Middle East. Not only this bombing would destroy ISIS, but an added benefit is that a nuclear war would lead to nuclear winter, which is the only thing that can successfully lower the global temperatures.

4) Baron Waca, President of Nauru: We’re glad that there is an agreement, but since it’s not binding, we’re still ordering the life rafts.

5) North American Association of Polar Bears: “Do they have these life rafts in white?”

6) Rush Limbaugh, major greenhouse gas emitter: “I don’t think we need to worry about global warming, and it’s certainly not man-made. It’s all just natural cycles – basic science says that whenever there is a global warming in the North Hemisphere, there’s a global cooling in the Southern Hemisphere, and vice versa.”

7) Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: “I really hope this agreement fails, or there goes our hope for finally making Siberia habitable.”

8) U.S. Chamber of Commerce: “This deal will cost jobs – and not just thousands of jobs of coal miners and oil workers. Think of the millions of potential jobs that could be created rebuilding the cities and infrastructure ravaged by constant floods due to rising sea levels!

9) Pete Roleum, oil industry analyst: “As bad as this agreement might be for the industry, it’s good that it’s happening now – when the price of oil is as low as it is now, it probably makes more economic sense for the oil companies to pump the oil back into the ground.”

10) Ben Carson, amateur historian: “I don’t think global warming is real. And even if it is, we don’t have to worry about it, because we can just store all the snow we need in the pyramids.”

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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47 Responses to 10 Reaction to The Climate Change Agreement

  1. Ankur Mithal says:

    So, what does this warming thing lead to? Death of the race? Well, it could solve most of the problems the world is facing today. This movement bears watching.

    Like

  2. john zande says:

    I don’t know if I’ve just missed it, or there really hasn’t been anything, but I’ve been surprised by (what appears to be) a total absence of Republican whining over the Paris agreement.

    Like

  3. Between the amount of hot gas coming out of his mouth and the toxic pollutants found in whatever it is he uses to keep his hair looking like frozen wheat, Donald Trump alone is responsible for most global warming. It’s just a natural cycle though, and we shouldn’t worry about him.

    Like

  4. Is that what it’s been reduced to? Better than nothing? Progress really is a slow-moving freighter.

    I liked that you tagged Trump as a reality TV star instead of real estate mogul. It speaks to the trajectory of his career.

    Nice to see an oil executive flat on his ass. Kind of makes you feel all warm and Christmas-y inside, doesn’t it?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I think it’s fair to call Trump a reality show star rather than a real estate mogul. How many real estate moguls who aren’t reality TV stars can an average American name?
      As for progress, it can move pretty fast unless there’s a well-funded industry that can afford to spend billions to claim that we don’t really need progress and we can rely on God and 19th century technology.

      Like

  5. Well, it’s going to be downright balmy here in Maine on Christmas Day, but I’m still not sure if it’s hot air due to global warming or just Rush Limbaugh is in town.

    Like

  6. Awesome… I like it when somebody says it is cold outside so climate change must be a hoax or a mistake… like this isn’t a closed ecosystem where warmth in one place can generate increased cold in another… like global warming means it has to always be warmer everywhere.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Steve Ruis says:

    Brilliant, as usual, but the lead into #6 was LOL funny! I can see the headlines now: “Bloviators major cause of climate change!”

    Like

  8. goldfish says:

    Pete Roleum.

    Groan.

    Like

  9. You make me weep with the accuracy of your satirical take, especially on those who would be president. Putin though, yeah I can see where this might be a benefit for all the refugees Russia is taking in.

    Like

  10. pegoleg says:

    Great list! The only thing missing is a quote from Chinese Premier Li Keqiang. But I don’t know how to write “yeah, right…like we’re going to do any of THAT stuff!” in Chinese characters, either.

    Like

  11. ….And perhaps this from Jeb Bush: “This is a definite ploy to prevent and eliminate the Bush family from signing a historic accord (by signing this before 2017)”

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  12. “…which is kind of like making prison optional for bank robbers as long as they promise to not rob any more banks.” hehehe!

    Like

  13. Jay says:

    That Trump. So reasonable.

    Like

  14. My daughter said “I think these quotes are made up. Well, except maybe Trump’s.” Because that moron will say anything. Are you doing something with the potty break? Because someone has to write about that. They just HAVE TO.

    Like

  15. Reality is killing the power of satire. All of these reactions are so close to legitimate sound bytes you might expect from these personalities.

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    • List of X says:

      I try to make it believable, so I end up walking the fine line between the things these people actually said in the past and the things they might eventually say in the future.

      Like

      • Bill Simmons has a concept called the Tyson Zone–named for Mike Tyson–in which a celebrity’s behavior becomes so crazy that we’ll literally believe any story we hear about that celebrity. Trump has entered the Tyson Zone in which you could make up the most insane quote, attribute it to Trump, and the public would shrug.

        Like

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