10 Actual Reasons Why America Has So Many Mass Shootings (Nope, Not Guns!)

How can you even say that this cutest thing could possibly be responsible for something as heinous as a mass shooting???

How can you even say that something this cute could possibly be responsible for something as heinous as a mass shooting???

Last week, a high-profile mass shooting in California made headlines – but by some counts, there have already been over 300 mass shootings this year alone. As always, liberals are pushing the crazy idea that the easy access to guns is causing all these shootings. But if you ask the people who know guns, and I mean, really, really know guns – own them, shoot them, spend every waking moment with them, and at night have nightmares that Obama will take them away – they will tell you that it’s not the guns that are causing these tragedies. So here are 10 actual reasons why America has so many mass shootings.

1)  Mental illness: Mental illness is the huge problem causing gun violence. For example, the majority of the U.S. Senate just voted to allow people on terrorist watch list to buy guns (yes, really), and, clearly, no sane person could have possibly voted this way.

2)  Not enough good guys are armed: The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Obviously, we don’t want to arm bad people who go on murderous rampages, which is why it is crucial to let these people buy as many firearms as possible while they are still law-abiding citizens who haven’t broken any laws yet.

3)  Foreign immigrants: It’s a well-known fact that there were zero mass shootings in America until immigrants from Europe arrived in the 16th-17th century.

4)  Ban on fully automatic weapons: Basic math says that a good guy armed with a machine gun that can shoot 900 bullets per minute can prevent 15 mass shootings every second.

5)  Barack Obama: A lot of mass shootings are caused by Obama. The only reason the media isn’t seriously looking into this is because they just lazily put him into the same category with the rest of the foreign immigrants.

6)  American exceptionalism: Because America is Number 1, it’s the duty of every American patriot to do everything possible to keep America at the top spot by every metric, including the number of mass shootings.

7)  Gang violence: A lot of shootings are the result of the actions of various lawless and murderous organizations like Crips, Bloods, Hells Angels, or Chicago police.

8)  People: Guns don’t kill, people kill. Which is why the Republican party, by trying to dismantle Obamacare, cut Medicare, repeal environmental protections is being the only party that is earnestly trying to prevent mass shootings by being tough on people.

9)  God’s will: All mass shootings are a part of God’s plan, and we must accept them as a part of life and shouldn’t get angry about them. Unless, of course, a shooting was caused by foreign immigrants, in which case it’s definitely not a part of God’s plan and we must avenge the victims by nuking all other countries and deporting all Muslims.

10)  Illegally purchased guns: A lot of guns are bought illegally, and liberals who want to impose more restrictions on gun sales are going about it completely wrong, because people will keep breaking laws. No, the only guaranteed way to end illegal gun sales once and for all is to make all gun sales legal.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

90 Responses to 10 Actual Reasons Why America Has So Many Mass Shootings (Nope, Not Guns!)

  1. I love the graphic!

    Like

  2. Print out 535 copies. Send to every member of Congress.

    Like

  3. Haha, very good! I particularly like numbers 3, 6, and 9 – yes, go on, scroll back up to see which ones they are, cursing again that you’re not better at remembering your own lists 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m still waiting for the blame to be heaped on gays, abortions and the War on Christmas. Or gays performing abortions on Christmas Day.

    You tag this as satire but I hazard to point out that people are actually using these rationals to explain the problem. It make me ILL.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      These are all real excuses, I just rephrase them so that they look like satire. And I thought gays and abortions are not at fault, because they are only responsible for earthquakes, tornadoes, and other natural disasters – except for snowstorms and blizzards that are God’s punishment for the war on Christmas.

      Like

  5. fatherkane says:

    Whenever someone starts dragging out the mental illness, video games, gun free zones as the reason we have so many mass shootings, I always ask don’t developed Nations have mental illness, video games and gun free zones?
    Yet no ‘lone wolf’ mass shootings……..

    Liked by 1 person

  6. rossmurray1 says:

    #7. Everybody goes “Oooooooo….!”

    Like

  7. Glazed says:

    Beautiful art piece, and comprehensive list. But you failed to mention bullets. I firmly believe that guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. The Cutter says:

    There is a lot of bad logic tossed around on this issue. For instance, there’s the meme that says “If guns don’t make people safer, then why is the Secret Service armed?”

    Unfortunately, when you there are “zingers” like that going around, who needs to actually think through all of their points?

    Like

  9. Steve Ruis says:

    As a resident of Chicago, I found #7 to be … spot on!

    And, c’mon, the only reason mass killings are even possible is due to the reckless and feckless Constitutional right to gather a bunch of people in one place, the right of assembly. If you could only find people in ones and twos, could there be a mass shooting? Noooo-oh. So, why blame the shooters when clearly it is this shameful tendency of people to gather in large groups of potential targets.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Absolutely! And don’t forget the freedom of speech, thanks to which people keep talking about these shootings, which causes even more shootings by encouraging copycats and by angering people.

      Like

  10. I think you may have stumbled onto the solution. Replace all bullets with rainbows. Or even better — with little Hershey kisses because chocolate.

    Like

  11. goldfish says:

    Foreign immigrants, as opposed to all those native immigrants, are the number one issue, particularly if they’re terr’ists, which all of them are. We need a huge fence.

    Also, now I know how truly moderate Republicans must feel (if there is such a thing) since I am a liberal and own guns. Yes, plural.

    Like

  12. Carrie Rubin says:

    The blame on mental illness is wearing thin, isn’t it? Yes, that’s a part of the problem, but so are many other things. I agree with the commenter who said to send this to Congress. Then again, some of them might not understand the satire…

    Like

  13. beingwoke says:

    This piece cheered me up after a rather horrid day – thank you!

    Like

  14. Elyse says:

    Laughin’ and crying you know it’s the same release …

    Like

  15. EaSY G says:

    Reblogged this on End Stand Your Ground and commented:
    Reblogged & tweeted – Thumbs Up!

    Like

  16. Too funny to be true; Too true to be funny.

    Like

  17. Jim Wheeler says:

    Aha. I see through your cynicism, X!! You don’t actually want there to be more guns.

    It has been obvious for years now that over-population has been Earth”s main problem. For example, it’s now clear that China and India want our stuff. They’re buying cars, televisions, even iPhones for God’s sake! Mass shootings are the only solution. Why can’t they see that?

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I swear, every time I think you can’t possibly outdo yourself, you do! Your sarcastic irreverence is otherworldly.

    Like

  19. List of X says:

    I think crying by itself just isn’t enough when it comes to guns.

    Like

  20. Ankur Mithal says:

    Bang! Sorry, bang on!

    Like

  21. aFrankAngle says:

    #6 and #9 are to home runs (to me). After all, the ills from the Obama presidency will live in infamy as and entire generation will blame any that happens in the future on him … just like what happened to FDR before Clinton came along. … In terms of #9, you may recall my post on pre-destination, so I had to chuckle. ,,, Well done, X … and hope you make it to my party next weekend!

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Ohhh… I think I already missed your party…
      And yes, Obama definitely has ruined the country. I don’t see how America can possibly recover from 5% unemployment and 17000+ stock market – unless we get a Republican president who can take us back where the last Republican president left off.

      Like

  22. The Hook says:

    This needs to go viral.

    Like

  23. Weeping at the truth even as I laugh at the truth. American exceptionalism, does anyone even know what this actually means?

    Like

  24. lolol!! How are you this hilarious!?! Posting on reddit and twitter- I agree with thehook- this really should go viral!

    Like

  25. Ok just kidding about reddit, I can’t remember my login- but when I can get in I’m posting it!!

    Like

  26. My head spins with this logic! Thank you! I think you should loan your pretty drawing out to the Republicans so they can make guns look happier. Or distribute that not-at-all disturbing picture of the politician (I forget her name, they are so alike) who had her entire family pose together while holding babies and / or shotguns. I wish I was kidding!

    Also please direct any Republicans you get spewing vile logic at you (do you get those? I would like to see that) to my page which has many great gift ideas for the gun-toting wacko on your holiday list. They should add your drawing to one of the fun political T-shirts on Amazon.

    Oh yeah, and if you should ever want to guest post, that would be great. I think I might be able to come up with a top ten list for your blog. Like Republicans? Why? 1. Act of God? 2. Free Will? 3. Obama? 😀

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I think I saw that picture you’re referring to. And these people don’t need my help to make guns happier – for them, guns are the happiest thing there is. (until someone gets shot – but even then the guns are flowers and rainbows and it was just that someone’s time to meet Jeeesus.)

      I accept guest posts if it’s a list of 10. So far, I had only one guest post here, although I had quite a few emails asking if I’m interested in featuring guest posts on high-end bicycles and other products. If you want to guest post here, you’re welcome.

      Like

      • Thanks! If I come up with a list of ten that pertains to your blog somehow (I do like making fun of politicians) I’ll run it by you. You can also post anything again here (like you did with Miley Cyrus- though that particular episode seems almost tame by comparison to recent activity.)

        Did you watch the Democratic debate? I am watching it now in bits and poor O’Malley – he has to yip like a puppy to get heard and the moderators just wave him off “Oh you can talk later.” while they go back to Sanders and Clinton. Ha.

        Like

  27. pegoleg says:

    Love your picture. Hoping Santa remembers to bring the Browning Semi-automatic Rainbow-Shooter that’s on my Christmas list.

    Like

  28. kutukamus says:

    Ugh.. what about 11). Trump? He’s so awesomely charming that everybody is going nuts from envy?

    Like

  29. julie says:

    Do you need me to send some of Chicagos Finest to visit?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Are you saying I should legitimately fear them, and what I said about them isn’t actually a joke? 🙂
      Fortunately for me, I’m out of their jurisdiction, so I’ll probably never going to find that out.

      Like

  30. julie says:

    Jurisdiction schumurisdiction. Do you think that matters to Chicago’s finest? Really? On a serious note, I give kudos for all law enforcement. I don’t even want to imagine what they face but sometimes things can get “excessive”? I get it,as a recent victim of unnecessary gun violence, and the (law enforcement) put their lives on the line everyday. They were little help for my situation but I was sure happy to see them!

    Like

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