10 Ways To Prepare To Be American President

Those commie flowers are going to have to go. sorry.

Those commie flowers are going to have to go. sorry.

Last week, one of the Republican Senators was asked if he is ready to run the White House and the country, and the senator confidently responded that yes, of course, he’s ready. It probably doesn’t even matter which senator was it, because other Republican senators would probably give the same answer. While the answer may seem arrogant considering that the job of the American president is extremely stressful and dangerous (with about 9% chance of being killed on the job), preparation for the position is actually not that difficult. Here are 10 things an average Republican senator needs to do to prepare himself for the Oval Office.

1) Make up a “countries to bomb” list. Be generous, but double-check to make sure there are no allies on the list.

2) Write an obligatory “I am a uniter, not a divider” speech and compile an invitation list for reading of the speech consisting of few hundred Republicans and one Democrat (for the purposes of bipartisanship).

3) Ask billionaire brothers Charles and David Koch to provide the list of laws they need to get signed. (This would cover all legislative agenda for the next 4 to 8 years).

4) Locate own birth certificate and write “NOT FAKE” in large red letters.

5) Visit Cancun to brush up on foreign policy experience.

6) Add Cancun to the “Countries To Bomb” list because the food in the all-inclusive resort was atrocious.

7) Make a list of largest campaign contributors, and the list of “Nice But Pretty Much Useless Countries” like Maldives or Luxembourg, and randomly give out ambassadorships to the people on the first list. (Note: Do NOT mix up the “Nice But Pretty Much Useless Countries” list with “Countries to Bomb” list when giving out the ambassadorships, because that would be aaaawkward!!)

8) Find out what the Vice President does exactly, and train a monkey to do his job.

9) Organize a schedule of fundraisers and other events for the re-election campaign starting from the day after the election.

10) Read the books written by predecessors to gain valuable insight, for example, “How Not To Get Impeached” by Richard Nixon (important – read the Second Edition only!), “How To Avoid Assassina…” by William McKinley, and “Playing Dumb To Win: How To Win Elections And Attain Policy Goals By Pretending To Be An Intellectual Peer Of The Average Voter”, by George W. Bush.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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38 Responses to 10 Ways To Prepare To Be American President

  1. You’re usually good about this but you have a basic factual error in there. It’s the Dems and not the Republicans who are more likely to put newbies into presidential contention. Republicans tend to nominate the “next in line” while Dems usually fall in love with the Next Big Thing. (Sometimes the next in line is in that slot by questionable means, but still…)

    Otherwise, good list. Too bad Clay Aiken is a Democrat because he’d make a great comparison to Ronald Reagan. Now that’s a scary thought: American Idol as a path to the White House.

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  2. Do you know that I fell for that “I’m a uniter, not a divider” spiel? I did! I think I might have actually voted for that dude based on that promise. Wow, did he fool me! I don’t mind voting for a Republican. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. But they have to be sane and the current crop seems to fall short of that requirement.

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    • List of X says:

      You know, the previous guy was also a “uniter, not divider” type, by which he meant that Democrats were supposed to do what he wanted. So I was pretty sure that the hope of unification was not the reason why I voted for Obama. And from now on, I would be very sceptical that any president could ever unite the electorate that’s as divided as it is today. Of course, that’s not going to stop the candidates from running on the same promise.

      Like

  3. Eva says:

    Aren’t they all monkeys in the White House?

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  4. Now which catagory of country does Canada fall under?

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  5. Carrie Rubin says:

    “Visit Cancun to brush up on foreign policy experience.”—-Hahaha. Just so long as they don’t tweet any Speedo self-portraits to their constituents.

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  6. Tell everyone that you make bad things go away, and if bad things happen, it’s the opposite side’s fault.

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  7. EagleAye says:

    Brilliant! This is a very good list. I think you could also add, “Must have been the kid everyone told lies about in school, so then when president it will all seem normal.” Given the past routines, the incumbent president must be ready when the other side claims you’re the worst president ever, even before you’ve done anything.

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  8. If I knew it was that easy, I would have run a long time ago.

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  9. Huffygirl says:

    Perhaps the monkey would not even need to be trained, as long as he knows how to behave at a funeral already. Though, who says politicians behave? The monkey would have to know how to take selfies though.

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    • List of X says:

      It’s important to know whose funeral we are talking about, because if it’s the funeral for the president, that vice-presidential monkey is better evolve into a human really quickly.

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  10. bernasvibe says:

    Not even sure where to begin commenting on this..So this is one time I’ll keep my mouth shut..Rare indeed 🙂 Well sort of..The cherry to top this list off would be that one has to be super-filthy rich & have friends of the same lot; plus drum up millions of moolah from the poor(& non -existent middle class) to get elected! And that is just one of the things I think that makes our political system fall short of its purpose.

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  11. Laura says:

    #7 sounds good in theory, but I’m not sure how well it will work in practice. I’m not sure how people will react to the announcement that the new ambassadors to Maldives, Luxembourg, and Monaco are Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, and Citigroup.

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    • List of X says:

      I think people won’t even bat an eye if they read an announcement that Goldman Sachs opened another office on Maldives which will deal primarily with legislative issues.

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  12. pegoleg says:

    Great list! But I don’t see how this applies specifically to Repubs. It would work equally well for the legion of Democrat senators wetting their pants with excitement to be president. Except you’d have to switch out the Koch brothers for the union bosses at AFSCME vis a vis obscenely influential people pulling the strings behind the scenes.

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  13. Sherry says:

    you limited it to 10? lol…I imagine the real list is much longer…#11…offer blow jobs to all the men folk on Fox….oops…my bad..

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  14. Trent Lewin says:

    Is it possible to bomb parts of your own country? Also, do you think Canada is on anyone’s list? I’m just curious. I figure we must at least be an alternate somewhere.

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    • List of X says:

      I think it may come to that at some point. There are a whole bunch of people itching to go to war against American government, and there’s a chance they’ll get their wish.
      And there’s a good chance that a few bombs will land in Canada. Purely accidentally, of course, nothing to do with your socialism or Justin Bieber.

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  15. pegoleg says:

    I planned to attend, but #2 got me as well. Claritin D (for Drone) isn’t on the formulary of approved drugs for my new health plan. Damn Obamacare.

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  16. Austin says:

    I’ve never understand how, when there’s 4 years to prepare for the election, the parties can’t come up with a better bunch of candidates. It’s befuddling!

    Like

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