Last week, one of the Republican Senators was asked if he is ready to run the White House and the country, and the senator confidently responded that yes, of course, he’s ready. It probably doesn’t even matter which senator was it, because other Republican senators would probably give the same answer. While the answer may seem arrogant considering that the job of the American president is extremely stressful and dangerous (with about 9% chance of being killed on the job), preparation for the position is actually not that difficult. Here are 10 things an average Republican senator needs to do to prepare himself for the Oval Office.
1) Make up a “countries to bomb” list. Be generous, but double-check to make sure there are no allies on the list.
2) Write an obligatory “I am a uniter, not a divider” speech and compile an invitation list for reading of the speech consisting of few hundred Republicans and one Democrat (for the purposes of bipartisanship).
3) Ask billionaire brothers Charles and David Koch to provide the list of laws they need to get signed. (This would cover all legislative agenda for the next 4 to 8 years).
4) Locate own birth certificate and write “NOT FAKE” in large red letters.
5) Visit Cancun to brush up on foreign policy experience.
6) Add Cancun to the “Countries To Bomb” list because the food in the all-inclusive resort was atrocious.
7) Make a list of largest campaign contributors, and the list of “Nice But Pretty Much Useless Countries” like Maldives or Luxembourg, and randomly give out ambassadorships to the people on the first list. (Note: Do NOT mix up the “Nice But Pretty Much Useless Countries” list with “Countries to Bomb” list when giving out the ambassadorships, because that would be aaaawkward!!)
8) Find out what the Vice President does exactly, and train a monkey to do his job.
9) Organize a schedule of fundraisers and other events for the re-election campaign starting from the day after the election.
10) Read the books written by predecessors to gain valuable insight, for example, “How Not To Get Impeached” by Richard Nixon (important – read the Second Edition only!), “How To Avoid Assassina…” by William McKinley, and “Playing Dumb To Win: How To Win Elections And Attain Policy Goals By Pretending To Be An Intellectual Peer Of The Average Voter”, by George W. Bush.