10 Reasons Why “Operation American Spring” Was A Failure

The patriots celebrated when they saw Vice President Joe Biden leaving White House, but it turned out that he was just getting lunch. Photo by Matt Cohen (dcist . com)

The actual attendance looked like this, and you can spot an epic fail even if you do not look closely. 
Photo by Matt Cohen (dcist . com)

This Friday was the day of “Operation American Spring” – a Tea Party rally held simultaneously in Washington and in Nevada to rail against Obama’s tyranny. Of course, yet another Tea Party rally would have been completely unremarkable, had it not been for the fact that event organizers’ promised to bring out 10 to 30 million American patriots, force President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Attorney General Eric Holder, and congressional leaders of both parties to resign from office, all the while non-violently fighting against Obama’s ferocious drone attacks. The actual attendance for the rally, however, was only around a hundred people, no government official actually resigned – the patriots celebrated when they saw Vice President Joe Biden leaving White House, but it turned out that he was just getting lunch. There wasn’t even a single drone attack – all of which marked the event as a dismal failure. Here are 10 reasons why most of the promised 10 to 30 million people never made it to the event.

1)  4,253,203 people thought that clicking “Will Attend” on the Facebook event counts as physically attending the actual event.

2)  672,186 people stayed home because spring is allergy season and they have a severe drone attack allergy.

3)  The event organizers were counting on 666,666 liberals to attend the event to mock the participants of the rally. Unfortunately, the modern technology has given liberals the flexibility of mocking from home.

4)  Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Eric Holder, John Boehner, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Mitch McConnell all said that they couldn’t come to the rally because they have to wash their hair.

5)  129,671 people couldn’t decide between attending the event in Washington or Nevada, so they stayed at home watching Duck Dynasty.

6)  398,810 people suspected that a rally where they would have to show up unarmed is just a sneaky Obama’s trick to get them out of their houses and quietly confiscate their guns while they’re out.

7)  1,599,582 people were truly planning to come out and bravely face the imminent wrath of Predator drones and ruthless jack-booted thugs defending Obama’s tyranny, but stayed home because it was raining on the morning of the rally.

8)  2,122,613 people estimated that the traffic caused by 10 million patriots driving into Washington on the same day would be dreadful (patriots don’t use mass transit because it’s socialist), and no one would probably notice if they didn’t go.

9)  157,024 people were recovering from an apoplectic heart attack caused by the realization that Barack Obama is STILL president!!!

10)  138 of the Tea Party patriots actually had a job to go to on a Friday.

Do YOU have an excuse?

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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71 Responses to 10 Reasons Why “Operation American Spring” Was A Failure

  1. Gee, I hadn’t heard about a rally. Are you on the Tea Party mailing list?

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  2. Paul says:

    I’m Canadian and would like to know what flavor of tea were they serving at their tea party? I don’t suppose it was Earl Grey, which I prefer, as I understand that was all thrown into Boston Harbour some centuries ago.

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    • List of X says:

      I don’t know what is the exact flavor, but whatever they are drinking, I’ll want to stay away from it as far as I can.

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    • David Jones says:

      It’s T-Party brand tea. It’s somewhat sour with a lingering aftertaste of regret. Pure white in colour, conveying none of the discordant tones of real tea. Those tones have been leached out, thanks to the application of extract of CLR – the cleanser of choice for yankee Klan members, er, sorry, T-party faithful. T-Party-tea is drunk from gallon jugs that have finger holes. It is important to know that when drinking T-Party-tea one should say “shucks” and “dang” a lot but the names of God and Jesus Christ must never be uttered during the consumption of tea. During the firing of weapons however and at the beating of dissidents God and Jesus may be invoked at will. That is all.

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      • Paul says:

        Thanks David! I learn so much about American politics on these here blogs -Wsheeeew! God and Jesus to be invoked at the beating of dissidents – let me make a note of that. And I hear that one of their heros is a gun toting Mama in Alaska who shoots moose and she must drink her tea iced I imagine ’cause it’s so cold there. Is that so, do ya figure?

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  3. Laura says:

    I think the confusion comes from the fact that you’re counting the number of physical human bodies, while the organizers were counting the number of voices in the attendees’ heads.

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  4. When I saw you in my e-mail I read you first, I laughed all the way through. I didn’t even take a sip of coffee first (thankfully). I now love you more than coffee (not chocolate) but more than coffee, definitely. I kept on saying they were using new math, you know 1+1=100,000

    6 yes 6 is my absolute favorite. All are good but 6 is by far my favorite.
    Can you say cretin excrement? They are not cretin, but definitely what is left behind.

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  5. Jeff Winbush says:

    I wuz comin’ to evict the Kenyan from the White House but got busy with a “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” marathon and after chasin’ my sister around the trailer I got tired and fell asleep. Did Sarah Palin show up? She’s HAWT!

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    • List of X says:

      Well, at least you have a good excuse. And no, Sarah didn’t show up. I think she started driving to the event, but halfway there she quit and turned around.

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  6. Lahk’ a farcracker’ Bebe.

    I was gonna go to DC—- but then I got high.
    I was gonna go to DC—- but then I got high
    I was gonna go to DC—- to kick out the Pres. and his V.P.
    I was gonna go to DC—- but then I got high.

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    • List of X says:

      I think getting high is more a liberal thing. “Then I got drunk” is probably more likely.
      And thanks for the song, never heard this one before, and now got it on repeat.

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  7. Twindaddy says:

    I claim ignorance. I knew nothing about this. Pfft, tryanny….sigh. Their rhetoric grows more idiotic by the day…

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  8. Elyse says:

    I can say as a resident of this area that it did rain very hard Thursday night and into Friday morning. The roads were flooded, people were rescued, traffic was at a standstill.

    I am quite sure it was God’s way of telling these fuckers to stay away.

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  9. Carrie Rubin says:

    My excuse is I hadn’t even heard about the event. I guess they need to step it up in the PR department…

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  10. Sherry says:

    I mean we packed a lunch before hand so we could sit glued to the TV all day watching…what a crock…I was so disappointed. What has happened to the Tea people? Like puppies, they have a short attention span it seems.

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  11. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    They had nothing to wear as Billy Bob still has three days to wear the one pair of boxers and the only Rebel flag available to take was the one Billy Bob’s mama sewed into curtains for her pick-um-up truck.

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  12. mhasegawa says:

    #2 is why I didn’t go to DC – plus #7. And I guess I fall under #3 also.

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  13. HA! Awesome… did they make too much tea?

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  14. I couldn’t attend because I’m Rob Ford’s crack dealer and videographer and since he’s gone into “rehab” my ass is broke. You wouldn’t by any chance want to buy some crack and then have me film you smoking it, would you?

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  15. Hahahaha. I live to serve.

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  16. etomczyk says:

    Gee, I must have misplaced my invite . . . not!

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  17. samara says:

    I couldn’t make it because I accidentally clicked “will attend” for the wrong Facebook event.

    I ended up at a Tea Party enema thrown by Art. It was a virtual uh…blast.

    (this is your best yet. You just get more brilliant all the time)

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Tea Party enema at Art’s sound much more interesting than this event. At least it’s original and there’s no way there would be 10 million people there, so it would be exclusive rather than disappointing.

      Like

  18. Pingback: Sunday Reads: Link Dumps and a Feel Good Video, News Story | Sky Dancing

  19. Trent Lewin says:

    My excuse is my Canadian citizenship, otherwise I would have totally been there. These Tea Party-ists (is that the right term?) sound like a lot of fun. They also sound like absolute wankers. Is that a term they’re familiar with? I think they should adopt it, and get to wankering immediately. They seem to be in dire need of a good wank.

    Good one, X. This hardly made the news up here.

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    • List of X says:

      I don’t know if they are familiar with wankering, but I’m sure they’ll have no worse chance of overthrowing the government by wankering than by announcing a 10 million attendance while getting a hundred.

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  20. This is why free speech is a beautiful thing. Give ’em enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. Works every time. That goes for both sides of the aisle, btw. The far right doesn’t have a monopoly on lunacy. The NY Times just published an hysterical article about how liberal colleges want to include “trigger warning” stickers on classic literature like The Great Gatsby and Huckleberry Finn. Reading them might upset them or “cause symptoms of post-traumatic stress in rape victims or war veterans. Students would be cautioned about anything that might contain “racism, classism, sexism, heterosexism, cissesism [whatever the hell that is], ableism [ditto], and other issues of privilege and oppression. The whole sad, funny article is below. See that…idiots are everywhere!

    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/18/us/warning-the-literary-canon-could-make-students-squirm.html?hpw&rref=education&_r=0

    Like

    • List of X says:

      We probably should just put a generic trigger warnings on the college admission letters: “Warning, education at this college may expose you to ideas that don’t agree with yours, graphic and questionable content, books written before political correctness and using the terms and themes that are inappropriate today, and calculus.”

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  21. aFrankAngle says:

    A contradiction in its self … Tea Partiers with too much time on theirs too busy to attend rally.

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    • FYI and mine too

      a·ble·ism /ˈeɪbəˌlɪzəm/ Show Spelled ey-buh-liz-uhm] noun discrimination against disabled people

      cissesism no dictionary results

      Wikipedia ,*The page “**Cissesism**” does not exist. *

      *cissexism* (which is sometimes used synonymously with transphobia) refers to the assumption that, due to human sexual differentiation, one’s gender is determined solely by a “biological” sex of male or female (based on the erroneous assumption that all people must have either an XX or XY sex-chromosome pair, which ought to define their gender), and that trans people are inferior to cispeople, being in “defiance of nature”.

      Like

    • List of X says:

      I think a lot of Tea Partiers have plenty of free time. Half of Fox News viewers are now 68 or older, so free time should not be a problem for most of them.

      Like

  22. I happened to catch this lovely event on another blog (since I try to avoid the news because it always makes my brain want to evict itself) and was so excited to see that you were covering it! I especially love the “modern technology allows liberals to mock from home.” Exactly what I did. What a bunch of morons. I bet Obama sat there quietly drinking tea while they had their little rant.

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