10 Pentagon Strategies For Defeating A Zombie Invasion

In related news, Pentagon requested $230 billion to develop a strategic plan to defeat Godzilla.

In related news, Pentagon requested $230 billion to develop a strategic plan to defeat Godzilla.

We live in a dangerous world, and we’re so lucky to have the United States military that worth every penny of that half a trillion dollars it costs every year. Because Pentagon is prepared for not just the foreseeable threats like a North Korean attack, but also for the less unlikely event of zombie apocalypse.  Extraordinary situations call for extraordinary measures, and so it is very likely that Pentagon’s plans for dealing with zombies aren’t conventional either. Here are 10 possible Pentagon’s strategies for fighting a zombie invasion.

1) Make zombies visit the United States Congress. Once they meet our leaders, zombies will quickly realize that if those are supposedly the smartest people in the country, there is little hope for zombies to find any brraaiinnzz elsewhere in America, and they will go back where they came from.

2) Give $10 million to each zombie, and immediately raise taxes to 90%. Infuriated by higher taxes, zombies will immediately move to Canada in protest.

3) Send representatives from American Civil Liberties Union to meet with zombies and tell them that as dead, they are no longer eligible to vote in the elections. This will cause zombies to organize a million zombie protest march to Washington, where they will all listen to the “I have a drreeaamm” speech and demand the end to discrimination. And once all the zombies are all conveniently gathered in the same spot, the military can use one of their bombs they love so much.

4) Allow all private businesses to produce as much carbon dioxide as they want. This will speed up the global warming, melt the Arctic and Antarctic ice sheets, and will raise the sea level, so if zombies will eventually appear, most of them will immediately drown.

5) Outsource American zombie jobs to lower-paid Mexican and Indian zombies imported into the US on the Z-1 visa. American zombies, bitter that immigrant zombies are taking their jobs and stealing their braaainzzz, will lash out at the foreign zombies and will leave the living alone.

6) Recruit an army of school bullies to mock zombies’s physical appearance, unfashionable clothing, and awkward movements. If that doesn’t destroy zombie self-esteem, well, then we at least will have far fewer school bullies, so it’s a win-win.

7) Make zombies get a human-hunting permit at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Frustration and anger caused by standing in lines for hours and dealing with rude DMV employees will make most of the zombies want to re-kill themselves all over again.

8) Remove all restrictions on gun sales, and make it possible for zombies to buy firearms with no restrictions. Because, as the National Rifle Association says, the only thing that can stop an evil zombie with gun is a good zombie with a gun.

9) Unleash the Obamacare’s death panels against zombies (because fictional organizations are the most obvious way to deal with fictional invaders). If death panels turn out to be too fictional, then simply exclude dental coverage from Obamacare. With teeth weakened by lack of decent dental care during their lifetime, zombies will not be able to bite humans, and will not pose much of a threat.

10) Set up a WordPress blog for every zombie. Maintaining their own blogs and reading other zombie blogs will take so much effort, that zombies will have neither the time nor the energy to chase the rest of us. And, judging by some of the bloggers who follow me, that IS the option that Pentagon had picked.

 

Advertisements

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in List of 10 and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

68 Responses to 10 Pentagon Strategies For Defeating A Zombie Invasion

  1. Laura says:

    The NRA will, of course, use the zombie apocalypse to recruit both zombie and human members:

    “Guns don’t bite people. Zombies bite people.”
    “Guns don’t kill zombies. Zombies kill zombies.”
    “You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. But if you get close enough to do that, I’ll probably eat your braaaaains.”

    Like

  2. I love number 10 (The WordPress one), how true, I woke up at 5.30am this morning, unintentionally, but then thinking I would have a quick look at WordPress before getting up and having a good start on a productive day. It is now 8.30am and I’m still looking at WordPress.

    Like

  3. Ankur Mithal says:

    When they see that humans are so smart that they are destroying their planet themselves, perhaps to prevent it from being destroyed by an alien or zombie invasion, they will have to bow to superior intellect and withdraw.

    Like

  4. mhasegawa says:

    #9 and #10 are both wonderful.

    Like

  5. How did we end up shitting a half a tril away on the military? What kind of economy is that? What a goof. That’s for reminding me.

    What about our bestest, most secret weapon? The steely gaze of Donald Trump? How can zombies possibly survive that? I’ll sleep like a baby tonight, without a worry.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Oh, you know, those fighter planes that can’t fly in the rain, and so on.
      As for Trump and zombies, his tendency to go bankrupt and then come back to wealth makes me suspect he’s one of them.

      Like

  6. The ACLU needs to learn to respect the politically correct labels for people’s identities.

    Zombies are not dead. That’s just a cruel stereotype. Zombies are undead.

    Like

  7. El Guapo says:

    I think your list is off.
    Are you sure the zombies haven’t already taken over the DMV?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Well, first of all, it was your DMV post that inspired this item, so it’s very possible that your DMV has been taken over. However, I had to visit mine recently, and my visit wasn’t that bad, and most workers there were very human-like.

      Like

      • El Guapo says:

        When you say things like that, I can’t help but doubt that you were really at the dmv.
        Though I’ve had good trips to them.
        On rare occasions.

        Like

        • List of X says:

          Oh, you want proof? Okay. I tried to renew my license, filled the form to renew online, only to be told at the end that I need to print out the form and bring it to the DMV office, and when the form printed, it had all the checkboxes checked, so that I was both male and female, veteran and not veteran, had a license and never had a license which was suspended and never suspended, and so on and not so on. But once at DMV office (which I picked for least expected wait times) it only took 20 minutes.

          Like

  8. Steve Ruis says:

    Egad, they just kept getting better and better! Nice work, X!

    Like

  9. Twindaddy says:

    I think 10 is the way they went, too.

    Like

  10. #1 – nails it in one. You are a genius.

    Glad I saved this till after coffee. Now though I have been driven to drink. Would you like a shot of Tequila?

    Like

  11. If the zombies move to Canada we’ll just wait for a minus fifty degree celcius winter day. The zombies will freeze and we’ll simply smashy smash with a hockey stick (everyone in Canada owns a hockey stick, it’s mandatory, kind of like America and guns).

    Like

  12. This may be my favorite one yet… worth waiting for…

    Like

  13. rossmurray1 says:

    What? No one wading into the “can zombies drown?” debate?

    Like

  14. Elyse says:

    The CDC is also preparing for zombies: http://blogs.cdc.gov/publichealthmatters/2011/05/preparedness-101-zombie-apocalypse/

    Me, I am waiting for the vaccine.

    Like

  15. Giving a zombie 10 million bucks and the first thing he’ll do is make friends with a congressman or two. Also, rumor has it they find the term “zombie” quite offensive, and prefer to be called “animation challenged” or “neuro-vores”.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      According to Laura’s comment, a BBC zombie TV series called In The Flesh refers to their zombies as “PDS sufferers”, where PDS stands for Partial Death Syndrome. It immediately reminded me of the “IBS sufferers” blog who went on a zombie blog attack against you a few months ago.

      Like

  16. Paul says:

    It could be our chance to get rid of all the Zombies. You direct them up here to Canad and we’ll send them to see our Rob Ford – he’ll introduce them to crack and they’ll be so disgusted with our lack of ethics and legal behaviour, they’ll run screaming into the ocean and drown.

    Like

  17. aFrankAngle says:

    Outsourcing zombies caused the biggest laugh …. but then there was Laura’s comment about the NRA, which was outstanding!

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I could totally see zombie outsourcing happening, because I’m pretty sure those foreign zombies will be in a much better physical shape that American ones.

      Like

  18. Bill Carson says:

    You really hit home with number 10. I mean truly, the only thing keeping me from giving in to my intense craving for brains is the fact that I have to spend that time SEO optimizing my next blog post. My stomach is freaking rumbling over here.

    Like

  19. onnyu2 says:

    Living in Canada, I cannot really appreciate #2, but I enjoyed #5 …and #6 is pure genious!!!

    Like

  20. Austin says:

    Zombie blogs…good one. 🙂

    Like

  21. MissFourEyes says:

    Bahaha! These are all brilliant!
    #10 is perfect. Instead of “braaainzzz!” they’ll be thinking of “Staaaatz, commennntttzz, pooostzz!”

    Like

  22. The Hook says:

    I didn’t need to go any further than #1 to be blown away!
    Well done, X!

    Like

  23. Aussa Lorens says:

    I was going to say that #7 wins all but #10 just might be the best strategy of all.

    Like

  24. aqilaqamar says:

    Reblogged this on Iconography ♠ Incomplete.

    Like

  25. benzeknees says:

    You could also put them to sleep for years by letting them listen to the debates in parliament (Canada) or congress (US) over the issues on how to take care of the citizens of their respective countries!

    Like

  26. Pingback: Run, run, run and don’t look back | Improbable Frontiers

I can see you have something to say...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s