We live in a dangerous world, and we’re so lucky to have the United States military that worth every penny of that half a trillion dollars it costs every year. Because Pentagon is prepared for not just the foreseeable threats like a North Korean attack, but also for the less unlikely event of zombie apocalypse. Extraordinary situations call for extraordinary measures, and so it is very likely that Pentagon’s plans for dealing with zombies aren’t conventional either. Here are 10 possible Pentagon’s strategies for fighting a zombie invasion.
1) Make zombies visit the United States Congress. Once they meet our leaders, zombies will quickly realize that if those are supposedly the smartest people in the country, there is little hope for zombies to find any brraaiinnzz elsewhere in America, and they will go back where they came from.
2) Give $10 million to each zombie, and immediately raise taxes to 90%. Infuriated by higher taxes, zombies will immediately move to Canada in protest.
3) Send representatives from American Civil Liberties Union to meet with zombies and tell them that as dead, they are no longer eligible to vote in the elections. This will cause zombies to organize a million zombie protest march to Washington, where they will all listen to the “I have a drreeaamm” speech and demand the end to discrimination. And once all the zombies are all conveniently gathered in the same spot, the military can use one of their bombs they love so much.
4) Allow all private businesses to produce as much carbon dioxide as they want. This will speed up the global warming, melt the Arctic and Antarctic ice sheets, and will raise the sea level, so if zombies will eventually appear, most of them will immediately drown.
5) Outsource American zombie jobs to lower-paid Mexican and Indian zombies imported into the US on the Z-1 visa. American zombies, bitter that immigrant zombies are taking their jobs and stealing their braaainzzz, will lash out at the foreign zombies and will leave the living alone.
6) Recruit an army of school bullies to mock zombies’s physical appearance, unfashionable clothing, and awkward movements. If that doesn’t destroy zombie self-esteem, well, then we at least will have far fewer school bullies, so it’s a win-win.
7) Make zombies get a human-hunting permit at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Frustration and anger caused by standing in lines for hours and dealing with rude DMV employees will make most of the zombies want to re-kill themselves all over again.
8) Remove all restrictions on gun sales, and make it possible for zombies to buy firearms with no restrictions. Because, as the National Rifle Association says, the only thing that can stop an evil zombie with gun is a good zombie with a gun.
9) Unleash the Obamacare’s death panels against zombies (because fictional organizations are the most obvious way to deal with fictional invaders). If death panels turn out to be too fictional, then simply exclude dental coverage from Obamacare. With teeth weakened by lack of decent dental care during their lifetime, zombies will not be able to bite humans, and will not pose much of a threat.
10) Set up a WordPress blog for every zombie. Maintaining their own blogs and reading other zombie blogs will take so much effort, that zombies will have neither the time nor the energy to chase the rest of us. And, judging by some of the bloggers who follow me, that IS the option that Pentagon had picked.