10 Reasons Why Florida Will Ban Voters From Using Bathrooms

depends

Adult Depends diapers by Kimberly Clark corporation, official sponsor of the 2014 Florida elections.

If you thought voting was hard, especially in places like Florida where during the 2012 election many voters had to wait in line for several hours, then Florida’s most populous county Miami-Dade just made it even harder. In future elections, voters standing in lines will not be allowed to use the polling place’s bathrooms while waiting for their turn to perform their civil duty. (Yes, I said “duty”.)  Here are 10 reasons why Miami-Dade county has banned voters from using the restrooms.

1)  Voting is your constitutionally protected right. Going to the bathroom is not.

2)  Voters who do make it to the polls after standing in line for several hours without being able to go to the bathroom are expected to complete their voting in about 3 seconds – thus making the voting process much faster for everyone.  And if the lines are still too long, election workers can reduce the lines further by giving out free Ex-Lax samples.

3)  As 2000 election has made clear, Florida voters get easily confused, and may drop their vote in the bathroom stall instead of the voting booth.

4)  After years of Republican efforts to regulate women’s reproductive systems, expanding into regulating everyone’s urinary systems was the next logical step.

5)  Allowing everyone to use the bathroom unfairly discriminated against the people who haven’t eaten in days, and homeless people and anorexic models are two of the largest minority groups in Miami.

6)  People may sneak away to the bathroom and cheat on their ballots by copying each other’s answers.

7)  It’s a good way to weed out all the people with pre-existing medical conditions that require access to a bathroom, because they’re just going to automatically vote for Obama just because Obamacare saved their lives.

8)  Florida is planning to switch to fully electronic voting in all voting precincts, and the pilot program was a success (again, see 2000 election) – except for the pilot polling place’s bathroom where the transition from a paper-based model to a fully electronic one did not go quite so smoothly.

9)  Instead of people standing in one line to vote, there now will be a second line to the bathroom. Having two separate lines will make it impossible to tell who had already voted or who already went to the bathroom, and would encourage both voter and bathroom fraud.

10)  Most polling places are located in schools, and Florida’s election commission decided to respect the established policies in schools which teach abstinence-only bathroom etiquette.

Hat tip to Fifth Column for giving me this unique opportunity to mix politics and bathroom humor.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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97 Responses to 10 Reasons Why Florida Will Ban Voters From Using Bathrooms

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I can’t even come up with a sarcastic response. Thank you for taking care of that for me.

    Like

  2. bernasvibe says:

    Just when you think they’ve got the max on crazy and nonsense laws in the country… Leave it to Florida to think of yet another ban/law/whatevers that is beyond ridiculous. I’m not even going to get started on the retarded Florida stuff( but its a long, long way from California…) Anyways, waving X!!! Of course if I’m going to pick a fave it is #4 hands down.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Waving back! Long time no see, Berna! 🙂
      A couple of years ago, I stopped thinking “Oh, they just can’t get any crazier than this” – because they always manage to beat any expectation. But are you saying California is even crazier than Florida?

      Like

      • bernasvibe says:

        Nope, I’m saying California rocks! (& is far more progressive than Florida will ever be…)

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        • List of X says:

          I’m actually going to CA in a few weeks, so I’ll have a chance to see that for myself. I’ve lived there for a couple of years, but I’ve only seen a small part of the state.

          Like

          • bernasvibe says:

            That is way cool! San Diego, Laguna Beach, Santa Monica and Santa Barbara are some of my fave Cali places..In that order. Hopefully you’ll come back & write at piece @ 10 Reasons Why California is the BEST state in the union. I’m sure you /your fam will have a fabulous time there

            Like

  3. That is fucking insane that this is true – I thought Arizona was harsh – Florida is cruel.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      There’s some more or less lame excuse for this in the article. And personally, I never even thought about bathrooms at polling places because it never took me more than 20 minutes to vote. But this is the state where keep people in line for six hours!

      Like

      • Denying a bathroom to anyone is so inhumane. When my kid was 4 we were trying to get to a bathroom in downtown Tucson and I carried a backpack (for his meds and it was my purse) and we couldn’t get into any of the restrooms b/c of my backpack – we ran all the way back to the convention center and the poor kid was only able to hold it until we made it to the bathroom door. I couldn’t believe it that people would not allow a 4 year old to use a bathroom b/c we weren’t buying anything and I had a backpack. Assholes.

        Like

  4. This could cause the voting lines to get a bit messy…….

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  5. Laura says:

    11. Because the rule forbidding voters from breathing while waiting in line turned out to be difficult to enforce.

    Like

  6. El Guapo says:

    Can’t we just sell the rest of Florida to Disney and have them be a non-voting corporate park?

    Like

  7. Just for the record, it is not currently illegal to sell hospital urinals outside of polling places. I think.

    The ban is what’s best for business.

    Like

  8. onnyu2 says:

    Loved #9! By the way… where are you going to work after Letterman’s retired? 🙂

    Like

  9. Eva says:

    Thank you for your list. I’m less-no, screw that. I’m still upset.

    Like

  10. rossmurray1 says:

    What, no one’s going to say they love number two?

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  11. It should be pointed out that my standard reaction once the curtain is closed and I see my choices is to drop my drawers and crap on something anyway.

    Like

  12. They should just move the polls into the bathrooms, and voters can vote and poop with the same action.

    Like

  13. Every time we hear about something that is really fucked up, (whether it be people eating each others faces cause they’re high a shit on bath salts, or this bathroom/voting happy horseshit), my wife and I turn to each other and say: “That must be Florida!” Oh Florida, you are the Quebec of America.

    Like

  14. Twindaddy says:

    I just figured it was because people voted smarter with a full bladder.

    Like

  15. Carrie Rubin says:

    This was so much fun to read. Loved it, especially #4. Very clever.

    Not being able to go to the bathroom but being expected to wait hours to vote? That’s beyond ridiculous. I’d never make it. Not by a long shot.

    Like

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  17. Elyse says:

    Oh shit.

    I can’t believe that nobody beat me to that line. What’s wrong with everybody? Constipated?

    As somebody who qualifies for #7, I repeat: Oh shit. Now I can never move to Florida. Somehow I am pretty sure I can contain my disappointment.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I’m not surprised that no one beat you to “oh shit”. The field of bathroom humor is vast and its intersection with politics offers many pun possibilities.
      I was actually thinking of mentioning you in #7, but I thought that you are the only one who should be discussing your medical conditions.

      Like

  18. 1jaded1 says:

    In protest and solidarity, everyone should piss themselves while waiting. Seriously, Florida?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I don’t know, this kind of protest sounds like more of self-punishment. I would just make it a campaign slogan: “Vote for Democrats, because we’ll let you use the bathrooms”.

      Like

  19. Elyse says:

    Reblogged this on FiftyFourandAHalf and commented:
    Nope. It’s not voter suppression. Nope. You can Depend on it.

    Like

  20. Elyse says:

    Did I mention that I re-blogged this?

    As someone who has never stood in line anywhere without using a bathroom, I feel that this rule is designed for me. I shit in their general direction.

    But not in X’s general direction. Because X is wonderful and would let me use the bathroom if I needed it.

    Like

  21. I love the idea of combining the two! Men could vote with urinal target practice.

    Like

  22. Sherry says:

    I hope there are pee-in-place voters…It could start a new trend..

    Like

  23. Steve Ruis says:

    Florida’s Governor was rated “Worst Ever” by a state newspaper. Unfortunately nobody reads newspapers anymore. Did they go electronic like the bathrooms in Florida?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I don’t read newspapers, and I haven’t heard about that. However, I would not be surprised by it – I rarely write about a story from a specific state, and Florida already made the list twice.

      Like

  24. Voting and bathroom humor + Dade County Florida. Sorry, I know you declined the altar I proposed, tough shite it is going up and in Texas no less. I can see the lines now! I am planning it in a PortaPotty, I think it will work, people can leave their deposits and vote.

    😉

    Like

  25. you said duty… ha! This might be your best one yet.

    Like

  26. Trent Lewin says:

    X, I think you may be a genius of some kind. I don’t know what kind. But some kind. This is flippin hilarious.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      An evil genius of political bathroom humor and backstabbing, maybe?
      P.S. thank you.
      P.P.S. I was a little lost in your cat story, Trent, honestly, and will need to come back and re-read it. What happens on May 27th is still a mystery to me.

      Like

      • Trent Lewin says:

        He drowned.

        Whether evil genius or more benign one, I dunno, but genius nevertheless. Your insight and ability to translate that into humour quite humbles me.

        Like

        • List of X says:

          I really need to stop reading your posts while I’m working or falling asleep (which is about 70% of my non-sleeping time). It felt to me as though May 27 was something that would happen in the future, and a past drowning was a metaphorical one. Now that I re-read it, it does seem like I need work on my reading comprehension skills; and I’m too embarrassed to actually leave a comment there now.

          Like

          • Trent Lewin says:

            Oh come on X, it’s not like the story is straightforward, the truth of the matter is kind of slipped in there rather than drawn clearly. It’s me being vague, a habit I have to break one of these days. But it’s so much fun.

            Like

  27. K says:

    It is not the State of Florida but Miami-Dade county where this seems to be an issue.
    http://miami.cbslocal.com/2014/04/10/commode-confusion-can-miami-dade-voters-use-restrooms-at-polling-places-or-not/

    Like

  28. I wouldn’t move to Dade County if you gave me a free house with an ocean view. And you might think I’m trying to be topical and witty and whatnot, but I’m not kidding. That place is insane. Maybe it’ll snap off and float away one day. We should be so lucky.

    Like

  29. pegoleg says:

    I love it when our government figures out a way to make things move more quickly. Score!

    Like

  30. Douglas E says:

    I guess there will be no voting along potty lines. Groan…..

    Like

  31. aFrankAngle says:

    Outstanding … and number 4 is my favorite!

    Like

  32. benzeknees says:

    I guess I wouldn’t be voting if I lived in Florida!

    Like

  33. Paul says:

    Very funny X. As John Callaghan pointed out, this sounds like the Quebec of America and in fact there are so many Quebeckers in Dade county that it is sometimes known here as Floribec. They fit right in. Would it be possible to subscribe to your inestimable blog? Further humour is desired.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you, and I’ll be happy to have you subscribe. There’s a box on the right, just below the header, to subscribe by e-mail, if you haven’t started your blog yet. Speaking of which, you should – from your comments it sounds like you have enough of just the warehouse stories to last you at least a year.

      Like

  34. yearstricken says:

    Sorry I missed this when it first came out, but delighted I found it now.

    Like

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