10 Barack Obama’s E-mails Stolen By Russian Hackers

"Allright...Obama's mother's maiden name?...Here we go...School he went to?... Here you go...Pet name?...Here you go!...Aaaaaaaand access granted!  Gee, Wikipedia, you're a treasure!" Image source: authormedia

“Allright…Obama’s mother’s maiden name?…Here you go…School he went to?… Here you go…Pet name?…Here you go!…Aaaaaaaand access granted! Gee, Wikipedia, you’re a treasure!”
Image source: authormedia

According to a recent news story, Russian hackers broke into the White House e-mail server and accessed and read thousands of unclassified E-mails, including those in the president Barack Obama’s account. The FBI and the US Secret Service have reported that hackers did not access any classified correspondence – although, of course, if hackers did get to the classified stuff, that fact would probably get immediately classified, too. In any case, the breach is a huge embarrassment to the White House. Here are 10 of the e-mails in Barack Obama’s account that Russian hackers were able to read.

1) From: Barack Obama
To: Hillary Clinton
“Hillary, why do you insist on using your private e-mail server and not our White House servers? Don’t you realize your E-mails could get hacked?”

2) From: Amazon.Com Fulfillment Center
To: Barry O.
“Thank you for using Amazon Prime. Your order has been shipped and will be delivered via our Amazon Drone program to the designated recipient in Pakistan within 2 to 3 business days.
Please don’t hesitate to use Amazon.com for all your future online orders.”

3) From: George W. Bush
To: Barack Obama or Current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington
“Hiya, its me George, I movd out of this place few years back. Just checking if you got any e-mails for me at this address. I’m just checking cause sinse after I movd out of their I stopd getting most of my mails and so was wundering if you had em. Thanx alot.”

4) From: Mitch McConnell (Republican senate majority leader)
To: Barack Obama
“Mister president. The Republican party considers your presidency the worst of the American history by far, and we will not rest until you are impeached, imprisoned, and deported.
P.S. By the way, happy birthday.”

5) From: Vladimir Putin
To: E-mail sender
“Thank you for your E-mail. Unfortunately, I am currently out of the office wrestling bears and opposition leaders, and will not have any access to E-mail during that time. If your country needs to contact me urgently, please declare independence and I will be with you very shortly.”

6) From: National Security Agency
To: Barack Obama
“Mr. President. We would like to express our concern that the NSA surveillance program overhaul proposal we found in your e-mail draft folder is extremely overreaching, and could damage our unfailing ability to protect the country from foreign threats.”

7) From: Bank of America
To: Loan applicant
“Dear customer, we regret to inform you that your mortgage loan application for $1,000,000,000,000.00 (one trillion dollars) to refinance your house at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC has been denied.
Reasons for the denial are:
[x] There is an existing $18.2 trillion mortgage on the house;
[x] Insufficient job security because you have indicated that your position is only temporary;
[x] Too many dependents listed on the application (318 million).”

8) From: Kim Jong-Un
To: All Filthy Americans
“We laugh at your puny threats! We will crush you and your putrid rotten American imperialism! America is a scourge of the world and everything American must be mercilessly destroyed in the blazing bonfire of the revolution!!
Sent from my iPhone”

9) From: Secret Service
To: The president
“Hello. We just want to let you know know that we just had another guy jump the fence around the White House. If you see a guy running through the Oval Office, would you mind giving us a call?”

10) From: Joseph Biden, Vice President
To: Barack Obama
“Barack! Did you know you can send letters from one computer to another? This electric mail thing is a gas!”

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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66 Responses to 10 Barack Obama’s E-mails Stolen By Russian Hackers

  1. Reblogged this on The Militant Negro™ and commented:
    Number 1 is a muthafuckin HOOT!!!!

    Like

  2. He can add the incident to his “Bucket” list.

    Like

  3. Paul says:

    This is hilarious X. #8 is my favorite -“Sent from my iPhone”

    Like

  4. renxkyoko says:

    State dep’t ‘s emails, too were hacked . #1 is the funniest. Darn it, Hillary !

    Like

  5. 1jaded1 says:

    Bahahaha. #1 is the best but all are hilarious. Thank you!

    Like

  6. After reading number three I had a hard time reading the rest because of the tears of laughter. Great post as usual X. 😀

    Like

  7. I like the “bandit” in the photo above. A stereotypical Russian gangster, if ever I saw one.

    GWB typos = LOL. As did Biden’s use of “gas” to describe fascination. Very accurate portraits.

    No penis enlargement pills? Well done, X. That’s low-hanging fruit and I’m glad you weren’t tempted.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      You’re giving me too much credit. Penis enlargement was one of the things I first thought of. Then I thought about those e-mails, but I just couldn’t come up with a half-decent joke about.

      Like

  8. Carrie Rubin says:

    Haha, these are great. Love the ones from Bush and Biden.

    Like

  9. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    Too funny! Biden was hilarious. 😀

    Like

  10. Samara says:

    All of these. Numbers 1 and 10 my fave.
    I wish all list posts were this clever. I hate most list posts.
    “Ten Reasons I Hate List Posts” – go!

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I’ve actually been working on this post for a year (or, more accurately, it’s been collecting dust in my draft folder for about that long since you first suggested it.)
      Will you be interesting in considering it for a guest post, if I finish it in a year or two?

      Like

      • Samara says:

        I would post anything you give me as a guest post!
        Okay. You once gave me something and I didn’t post it. Because I suck, and am a bad blogging friend and I forget everything.

        Finish it and send it on! My blog needs you.

        Like

  11. Having had “issues” in the past with a certain [unnamed] financial institution, #7 is my favorite.
    And I no longer have any accounts with that institution, so I believe I’m relatively safe in posting this comment.

    Like

  12. Jim Wheeler says:

    Best list yet. 😆

    Like

  13. john zande says:

    I can’t select a favourite. Each is a gem.

    Like

  14. OMG! LOL! CNN! FBI! GMO! I honestly don’t know which one made me laugh the outloudest. It might be one of the first three… but maybe not.

    Like

  15. Steve Ruis says:

    Again, LOL funny! You are making a habit of this. (My favorite was #6.)

    Like

  16. Kim Jong Un, Putin, and Biden, are my favourites. Funny stuff. Again!

    Like

  17. The Cutter says:

    So you’re saying that Joe Biden is a bit of a Luddite?

    Like

  18. Gibber says:

    #3 Soo funny!

    Like

  19. Nurse Kelly says:

    Every one of them was hilarious – thanks for the laugh 🙂

    Like

  20. Did you know that most of Congress do not know how to send an e-mail? So obviously the last one is my favorite.

    As always, you slay me.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I did not know that, but I’m not at all surprised that most of Congress doesn’t use E-mail. After all, many of them don’t really use modern conveniences like scientific method, facts, logic, or brains.

      Like

  21. aFrankAngle says:

    Gotta love it. PS my McConnell, priceless!

    Like

  22. Lol! Hillary-ous! Great post!

    Like

  23. pegoleg says:

    OK, this is the best thing every, in the world. FunNY!

    Like

  24. These are hilarious! Thanks for the giggle.

    Like

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