10 Reactions To Nuclear Deal With Iran

The exhausted negotiators are finally saying their goodbyes, until they have to meet for the next round of talks beginning in about 30 minutes. Image source: Al Jazeera

The exhausted negotiators are finally saying their goodbyes, until they have to meet for the next round of talks beginning in about 30 minutes.
Image source: Al Jazeera

Last week, after weeks of non-stop negotiations in Switzerland, the United States, Iran, and several other countries had agreed to a deal that is supposed to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear bomb. Actually, to be more accurate, what the countries had agreed on was to agree to negotiate an agreement by June 30 to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear weapons within 15 years – which still a huge progress from the 2013 agreement which was a deal to negotiate a compromise on having an agreement on meeting with Iran to talk about stuff. The current deal is intended to stop most of Iranian enrichment activities for at least 15 years and allow the International Atomic Energy Agency inspectors to oversee the Iran’s nuclear facilities – but, of course, this isn’t the actual deal. Here are 10 reactions to… whatever this is.

1) Ayatollah Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran: Our plan is to keep annoying the United States with non-stop negotiations, talks, meetings, agreements, conferences, compromises, arrangements, discussions, summits, and deals, until the Americans give up and just give us the nuclear bombs just so they wouldn’t have to deal with us anymore.

2) 47 Republican Senators who wrote Iran a letter demanding that they stop negotiating: We are outraged that Iranians had ignored our letter. We’re already composing a nasty text message, if that doesn’t work, we’ll stalk Iran on Facebook and Pinterest!

3) President Barack Obama: Israel has expressed their concerns that the deal isn’t actually going to stop Iran from creating nuclear weapons. But I give my solemn promise that Israel has no reason to worry about Iran’s nuclear attack for as long as I am president!

4) Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea:  We congratulate Iran on winning a 15-year extension in their deal, because when you’re building a nuclear bomb, it could be very dangerous to rush things.

5) Hassan Rouhani, President of Iran: This deal will lift the sanctions and will finally open the gates for the biggest Iranian exports, oil and terrorism. However, it’s too early to celebrate before the agreement is finalized – as we say in Iran, the Great Satan is in the details.

6) IAEA inspectors: We have not been given the access to every Iranian nuclear enrichment site, but the early signs are very encouraging: the Iranians have already allowed us to inspect a zoo, a movie theater and a beach, and we have found no suspicious activity there.

7) Republican Senator John McCain: I have always been calling for the United States to pull out of the negotiations and just bomb Iran. But you know, I’m actually glad we have a peace deal, because now Iranians will never expect us to bomb them.

8) Ben Ki-moon, UN Secretary General: While the United Nations is heartened by the news of the agreement, we are disappointed by the slow pace of negotiations. Since we want to complete the next round of talks on time, we will no longer hold these talks in a nice place like Switzerland, but will instead schedule the next round in a place like Somalia, Antarctica, or Detroit.

9) List of X: This list will stop at 9, because an unfinished deal doesn’t really deserve a finished list.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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60 Responses to 10 Reactions To Nuclear Deal With Iran

  1. Paul says:

    If they are to be refining less uranium does that mean they can only make little bombs ? – Like the size that fits under a turban – no wait, I take that back … (In honor of Doob I placed a space before and after that ellipsis. 😀 )

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Actually, did you know that the amount of plutonium it took to build nuclear bombs that were dropped on Japan can easily fit under a turban? Except actually trying to do just that would cause immediate nuclear explosion, so I can’t recommend that. 🙂

      Like

      • Paul says:

        Oh yeah, it is potent shit – like you say X, my understanding too is that the majority of the size of the bomb is to keep the fissile material separate until it is time to create a hole a 1/2 mile across. you know what amazes me about that stuff? The powers that be, rant about nuclear contamination and that any detonation would make things uninhabitable for thousands of years (even with just uranium 235) Yet Hiroshima has a memorial at ground zero and there is little or no radiation after only 70 years. What gives? (was this a world sized clean-up? has the post radiation exposure been exaggerated? Not that the gov’t would ever do that Ha!).

        Like

        • List of X says:

          The government must have been lying to us to discourage the private citizens from bombing each other with nukes. My god, so many missed opportunities because of these lies.

          Like

  2. Laura says:

    Have those 47 Republican senators actually figured out how Pinterest works? Because I haven’t.

    Like

  3. You forgot to mention that a deadlock was broken by the promise of a DVD boxed set of the fist two seasons of Game of Thrones. We don’t export as much as we used to, but we know how to entertain ourselves. You play your strongest hand.

    Like

  4. I used to rely on Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert for my news, now I strictly follow List of X.

    Like

  5. aFrankAngle says:

    Tough to pick a spot-on quote …. but gotta go with McCain.

    Like

  6. I see a conspiracy, I suspect the 47 working with outsiders to blow things up.

    Like

  7. I’m still waiting for them to lift the travel ban to Iran. Of course, I wouldn’t want to go until I could be sure that I wouldn’t get killed for being an American… but Iran is supposed to have some great sites.

    Unless ISIS gets its hands on them…

    Like

    • List of X says:

      But Iran is one of the biggest players who are actually fighting against ISIS on the ground. Maybe we should let them have the bomb…
      Considering that there are about 200 countries on the planet, there should be always be plenty of countries to go to while waiting for Iran travel ban to be lifted.

      Like

  8. Glazed says:

    If this was a deal to continue non-stop talking, I think my mother was in on it. Or maybe my wife.

    Like

  9. Elyse says:

    An incomplete post deserves an incomplete commen

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Sherry says:

    well done as usual

    Like

  11. Nurse Kelly says:

    Hi X – this is the first time I’ve commented on your blog (I’m sure you are aware of that, so I don’t know why I said that) but anyways, I appreciate your humor on this but still find it all somewhat confusing – they agreed on an agreement then agreed to negotiate a compromise on another agreement and ended up with a deal that really isn’t – correct? Is there anything I’m missing?!

    Like

  12. Even if we do get inspection rights I am sure it will be no time at all before they are kicking the inspectors out. Haven’t I seen this play out somewhere else before? Was it with Iraq and the WMDs or was it North Korea and the nuke? I know I’ve seen it somewhere else before.

    Like

  13. Jim Wheeler says:

    I just found out from a reliable source (I read it on the internet!) what actually brought Iran to the negotiating table. It was a threat, inspired by Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi, that if they didn’t agree to talk about agreeing to talk about nukes, another sanction would be added. No iPhones for you!

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Or worse, that they’ll only be able to get the iPhones of two versions ago – that way, they’ll get hooked and won’t be able to resist the overwhelming urge to get the newest model.

      Like

  14. rossmurray1 says:

    Cynical but funny.

    Like

  15. 47 Republican Senators: “We don’t want you to build nukes because we have better ones here that we can sell to you.”

    Like

  16. pegoleg says:

    I’m delighted that the parties have agreed to meet to hammer out a further agreement in June, when I foresee they will all agree to disagree.

    Like

  17. Gibber says:

    My ocd is saying you can’t stop the list at 9! 😉

    Like

  18. I’m waiting for the completed list in June.

    Like

  19. well, once again you have managed to make me laugh about a subject that is distinctly not at all funny…

    Like

  20. You had to be pleased with #5.

    Also, nice to see you again!

    Like

  21. EagleAye says:

    I think Iran has got to be pleased we’re so focused on the nuclear weapons they haven’t quite figured out how to make, and not paying so much attention to the terrorism they’re exporting, which they’re quite expert at making. 😦

    Like

    • List of X says:

      It’s probably just way too late to close all terrorism enrichment facilities, so our last hope is to prevent the really explosive mix of terrorism and nuclear weapons from forming.

      Liked by 1 person

      • EagleAye says:

        Hehe. “Terrorism Enrichment Facilities.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard the term, but it works. I like it. Yeah, terrorism and nuclear weapons would be the worst thing possible.

        Like

  22. Ankur Mithal says:

    Success (at what?) of these talks give immense hope to countries like Haiti, Chad and Mongolia who never had hopes or ambitions of a nuclear bomb. They can now negotiate from a position of strength.

    Like

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