10 Theories Explaining Vladimir Putin’s Disappearance

carputinThere have been some speculation surrounding the fact that the Russian president Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for at least a week, and had canceled all of his recent meetings and appearances. It has been rumored that Putin may have died, or is having serious health issues, and the Russian government has been busy fighting these rumors. According to the Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov, there is nothing to worry about, President Putin’s health is great, and his handshake is so firm that he can break someone’s hand. So here are 10 theories explaining the disappearance of President Putin.

1)  Vladimir Putin accidentally shook his left hand with his right hand and is in a hospital with multiple bone fractures.

2)  He has discovered Netflix.

3)  Olympic gymnast Alina Kabaeva, who is rumored to be Putin’s girlfriend, just had a baby, and a lot of men tend to disappear in this situation.

4)  Putin is undergoing his annual chest hair wax, because it’s almost season for taking shirtless photos.

5)  Vladimir Putin is definitely not fighting in Ukraine, not capturing key Ukrainian cities, and not single-handedly winning defensive victories there.

6)  Vladimir Putin has gone into hiding when the investigators of a recent high-profile murder of the opposition leader Boris Nemtsov have announced that they are close to capturing the killer – to avoid distracting the investigators from their work, obviously.

7)  President Putin had temporarily died and is currently resurrecting himself to officially attain the status of God of Russia. Also, after being reborn as a new man, he will become eligible to run for three more presidential terms.

8)  Vladimir Putin is modeling for the new Where’s Vlado? children’s book series.

9)  Some of Russia’s sovereign debt is overdue, and Putin is hiding from the collection agencies.

10)  As they used to say at the KGB, Russia is a big country; people disappear all the time.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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81 Responses to 10 Theories Explaining Vladimir Putin’s Disappearance

  1. Paul says:

    Ha! Well done X. Love the pic of Putin on the milk carton – milking it for all it’s worth. I suspect the most likely explanation is that Putin never did exist. His character is a construct of the old KGB and over the years numerous actors have played him. My guess is that the latest actor’s contract ran out and Russia doesn’t have the money to hire him back. до свидания.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      That’s a very plausible theory, Paul. It would explain all the weird changes in his face as if he was getting plastic surgery – but probably they just replaced the actors.

      Like

  2. What? No gay lover? That would have been my guess.

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  3. Ankur Mithal says:

    I am surprised someone noticed.

    Like

  4. Scott says:

    I’m going with Netflix. We all disappear into Netflix.

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  5. aFrankAngle says:

    Vlad on the milk cartoon is a hoot. Maybe an Amber Alert is in order. In terms of the list, I was thinking along the lines that he issued an order for someone to take him out.

    Like

  6. Carrie Rubin says:

    So many possibilities, but I’m going to blame Netflix. No one is immune to binge-watching.

    Like

  7. Steve Ruis says:

    Gosh, do you think his 15 minutes of fame were up? Maybe his mother-in-law was coming for a visit? Spring Training baseball (they invented it, you know)?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      It’s definitely not 15 minutes, because he’s been running Russia for 15 years already and is probably planning to run it for at least 15 more. And I know he deftly neutralized the mother-in-law threat by divorcing his wife recently.

      Like

  8. shhhhh… he is buried in my back yard…

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  9. ….right beside Jimmy Hoffa…

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  10. mhasegawa says:

    #6 is probably too close to the truth. Love the milk carton!

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  11. Trent Lewin says:

    I had no idea he had disappeared… I have an alternate theory. I think he’s busy impregnating himself to give birth to… himself. He is that good. Then he can do the Where Valdo books with… himself. It gets pretty twisted after that.

    Like

  12. Samara says:

    The chest hair wax. YES.
    I’ve heard that hurts like a mother! I’d like to imagine him getting one.
    I also support the idea of him engrossed in a Netflix binge. Breaking Bad?

    Like

  13. Sherry says:

    always on the mark!

    Like

  14. Glazed says:

    I’m still laughing. Funny stuff. I liked #1 best. Didn’t Kim Jong-un recently go missing for a few weeks? Maybe despotic rulers have a secret retreat somewhere, where they relax and rest up from all that oppressing and dictating they have to do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • List of X says:

      Yes, Kim did disappear for a few weeks recently too. And if there is a despotic ruler retreat somewhere, I’m pretty sure it would involve these despots getting oppressed themselves, possibly in some sort of 50 Shades style. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Elyse says:

    Russia IS a big country. Which is of course why Sarah Palin can see it from her house… Oh, and do you think they have disappeared together? Please?

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Gibber says:

    I like the broken hand theory!

    Like

  17. There’s also a rumor that he’s been overthrown by the far-right congency in the Kremlin and is indisposed.

    Are you trying to tell me there are people in the Russuian government who lean even further to the right than Vlad?! They have lucrative careers waiting for them at Fox News.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I heard the rumor, but the far-right contingency would probably start bragging about it if they were successful, or at least start telling people that Putin is sick, or really busy, or has to go wrestle a bear somewhere. No, I think in order to overthrow him, they have to find him first, too.
      There are definitely people to the right of Vlad (or to any direction of him) because in Russia, he is the center of the Universe 🙂

      Like

  18. I’m going to with #2. I too will disappear when the new season of Orange is released.

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  19. ddupre315 says:

    Drone strikes have improved to pinpoint precision, he was erased.

    Like

  20. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    Where’s Vlado…. Bwah ha ha ha! 😀

    Like

  21. Ned's Blog says:

    They just released a new season of Vampire Diaries on Netflix, so yeah… I’m going with that theory.

    Like

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  23. Chest waxing, yassss that is it. I am certain that is it. He cries like a baby and must kill all those involved.

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  24. EagleAye says:

    I think you’ve nailed it here. He’s off getting a chest hair wax before shirtless season. It’s the most plausible explanation. On the other hand, I just looked up pics of Alina Kabaeva. If she were my “friend” I’d disappear once in a while too!

    Like

  25. mcnorman says:

    I like the milk carton look. Heard he was with his baby moma who was birthing another ,mini me which is exactly what the world needs, right? LOL

    Like

  26. pegoleg says:

    OK, this is practically the best thing ever. Except for Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies.

    Like

  27. Paul says:

    The “separatists” are no stronger than when they were beaten back by Ukrainian forces. The difference is …and you know it, Ukraine cannot compete with the criminal Russian army!

    Like

  28. mollytopia says:

    Hahaha – he temporarily died. Your lists always crack me up!

    Like

  29. I think he just drank some vodka and went off hunting bears. He’s still a russian in the end.

    Like

  30. He is really a KGB-generated hologram and the projector suffered a temporary short circuit — but it’s fixed now.

    Like

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