In a just-released bombshell report, the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Seymour Hersh has questioned the Obama administration’s official story of how exactly Osama bin Laden had died. According to Hersh and his very anonymous source, the Pakistanis knew about the American SEAL Team 6 raid in advance, because they kept bin Laden under house arrest in a compound paid by Saudis, the story of how the CIA found bin Laden is also completely made up, and everything that was true was covered up. However, I have my own, just as trustworthy and well-connected anonymous source. I won’t give you my…I mean, the source’s name, but believe me, the information from my source is even more sensational than from Hersh’s. Here are 10 of these revelations.
1) The SEALs whom Obama credited with killing bin Laden aren’t the lovable marine mammals as you may have been led to believe, but are actually humans with extensive military training.
2) Osama bin Laden wasn’t killed by a bullet, but by a heart attack resulting from frustration due to his inability to sign up for Obamacare.
3) The money which Saudis were paying for bin Laden’s compound came from selling popular “Where’s bin Laden?” books.
4) Contrary to Obama’s and CIA’s assertion that outside of a few people in the White House and the Pentagon no one including the Pakistanis knew about the raid, Pakistanis knew, Saudis knew, and pretty much everyone was aware of the operation. In fact, according to my source, you were the only one left in the dark.
5) Every senior Pakistani official, including the prime minister and head of Pakistan’s intelligence service, had been taking acting classes for decades so that upon hearing the news of the American raid they could convincingly portray ignorance and outrage.
6) Osama bin Laden wasn’t found by the CIA thanks to the information they obtained by water-boarding terror suspects. In reality, CIA has pinpointed bin Laden’s location after he checked in at “Abbotabad compound” on Facebook. (CIA, however, was forced to water-board Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to get him to explain how to modify Facebook settings to stop bin Laden’s check-ins and selfies from popping up in CIA’s Facebook feed every few seconds).
7) The bearded man in the strange dress shot at the compound was actually Santa Claus. Every parent who has been telling their children about Santa’s list, his visits, and his presents was complicit in the cover-up.
8) There was no Pakistani doctor who helped find bin Laden while doing polio vaccinations in the Abbottabad area. You can now scratch “helps defeat international terrorism” from the already embarrassingly short list of vaccination benefits.
9) The true name of the town in which bin Laden’s compound was located wasn’t Abbottabad, but Costellobad.
10) When Barack Obama had been reading the speech about the success of the raid, he stood behind a podium, because he was covering up an unzipped fly.