10 Real President Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America

Many of you have probably received (or will receive) a postcard in the mail named “President Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America”. The postcard has many usual suggestions on various measures aimed to slow the spread of the novel COVID-19 that we’ve all heard a thousand times, like washing your hands and avoiding public places. However, since the card says “President Trump’s Guidelines” and not “CDC Guidelines”, it’s likely that President Trump did write his guidelines personally, and then the Deep State bureaucrats at the CDC rewrote the guidelines to turn it into a useless mush. Here is how the guidelines must have looked like when President Trump wrote them personally.

1)  Don’t get sick and die. I like those who don’t get sick and die.

2)  If you are an person older that 75, you should isolate yourself and end your presidential campaign against me immediately.

3)  If you cough or sneeze, take no responsibility at all.

4)  If you think you have coronavirus, stay home and quarantine yourself for 14 days. We don’t have enough tests or medicine, so you’re going to get tested, you’re just going to make our stats look bad.

5)  Don’t touch your own face. Grab others by the pussy, if you’re a star they let you do it.

6)  If your school is closed, find something for your kids to do. You could give your kids pretend-jobs, like I gave mine.

7)  I’m going to send everyone $1200 hush money, I mean, a stimulus check. You could buy yourself a roll of toilet paper with it.

8)  Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly after being in a public place. If you don’t have access to water and soap or hand sanitizer, have your Vice President lick your hands clean for you.

9)  Avoid public gatherings, unless it’s my inauguration party, because it’s going to be historic, biggest inauguration in history, everyone is going to be there, you can’t miss it.

10)  If you’re Mexican on Muslim, you don’t need to do anything.

The card also has the following small print section:

By the way, I took the test and I got the perfect score. The lying failing mainstream media say that negative is good, and positive is bad, which sounds totally upside down to anyone with half as much common sense as I have, their obviously lying. All the doctors are asking, how is it that I know so much about this coronavirus, when no one knew anything about this virus until yesterday? And I knew everything before everybody, because my uncle was a professor at MIT, so I have genius genes in my brain, and I knew at least two weeks ago, and no one even told me about this virus until today. Not many people know this virus came from China, and I knew it all along, it’s a terrible virus, it killed 21 million people in China and I knew it before anyone in China even noticed, very sad! It’s very dangerous out there and the people should go back to work right away because the market and jobs need people to work, and did I say I will personally write every American a check for $1200 and covfefe

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to 10 Real President Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America

  1. Ankur Mithal says:

    “No more testing. I guarantee you the number of cases will drop.”

    Like

  2. Trent Lewin says:

    This… just feels too painfully potentially true. I think you may have accessed the President’s brainwaves, X, and exhumed his true thoughts. Could you maybe take this a step further and do some Inception on him? It would be nice to hear something coherent out of the lad.

    Like

  3. Good News: For the first time in his presidency, Trump has actively sought someone else’s opinion on an issue.
    Bad News: He phoned ex-pro baseball player A Rod for his take on COVID-19.

    Like

  4. Jim Wheeler says:

    I got my postcard two days ago. (I hope the mailman didn’t sneeze on it!) My wife is jealous, she didn’t get one. I reminded her that she got a letter from Melania two weeks ago and i didn’t, so there!

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Oooh, neither I nor my wife got anything from Melania. What did it say, “Be Best”? Or “Get Good Soon”?or something?
      And I wonder if your kids, if you have them, will be getting a nice present from Ivanka or Don Jr.

      Like

  5. goldfish says:

    I’ve missed your lists! I have not received said postcard probably because I’m in California and he’s hoping the whole state gets infected.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I live in a very blue state, and I got it. Maybe California deemed the postal workers who were meant to deliver the card non-essential.

      Like

      • goldfish says:

        Or maybe the determined the card to be nonessential.

        Like

        • List of X says:

          I actually think the card itself is essential to maybe 30-40% of people, who’ll react to CNN’s and New York Times recommendation to wash their hands and not hang out with other people with “stupid librul fake news don’t tell me what to do, the virus is a hoax anyway”.
          But when the same recommendation comes from Trump, they’ll praise his wisdom and do as told. (Then they’ll complain that stupid librul fake news was keeping this vital information from them.)

          Like

  6. Jim Wheeler says:

    Reblogged this on Still Skeptical After All These Years and commented:
    I can’t think of anything to add to this reblog! List of X has sussed out the real story here!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Probably your funniest list ever. Good work!

    Like

  8. I’m still waiting for Trump to start throwing rolls of Charmin at those pesky reporters at press conferences.

    Like

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