Many of you have probably received (or will receive) a postcard in the mail named “President Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America”. The postcard has many usual suggestions on various measures aimed to slow the spread of the novel COVID-19 that we’ve all heard a thousand times, like washing your hands and avoiding public places. However, since the card says “President Trump’s Guidelines” and not “CDC Guidelines”, it’s likely that President Trump did write his guidelines personally, and then the Deep State bureaucrats at the CDC rewrote the guidelines to turn it into a useless mush. Here is how the guidelines must have looked like when President Trump wrote them personally.
1) Don’t get sick and die. I like those who don’t get sick and die.
2) If you are an person older that 75, you should isolate yourself and end your presidential campaign against me immediately.
3) If you cough or sneeze, take no responsibility at all.
4) If you think you have coronavirus, stay home and quarantine yourself for 14 days. We don’t have enough tests or medicine, so you’re going to get tested, you’re just going to make our stats look bad.
5) Don’t touch your own face. Grab others by the pussy, if you’re a star they let you do it.
6) If your school is closed, find something for your kids to do. You could give your kids pretend-jobs, like I gave mine.
7) I’m going to send everyone $1200 hush money, I mean, a stimulus check. You could buy yourself a roll of toilet paper with it.
8) Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly after being in a public place. If you don’t have access to water and soap or hand sanitizer, have your Vice President lick your hands clean for you.
9) Avoid public gatherings, unless it’s my inauguration party, because it’s going to be historic, biggest inauguration in history, everyone is going to be there, you can’t miss it.
10) If you’re Mexican on Muslim, you don’t need to do anything.
The card also has the following small print section:
List of X 
“No more testing. I guarantee you the number of cases will drop.”
LikeLike
“And for those of you who still want to get tested, we’re developing a test that’s going to show everyone as a negative”
LikeLiked by 1 person
This… just feels too painfully potentially true. I think you may have accessed the President’s brainwaves, X, and exhumed his true thoughts. Could you maybe take this a step further and do some Inception on him? It would be nice to hear something coherent out of the lad.
LikeLike
It’s really not that difficult to access the President’s brain waves. They go in these big, beautiful concentric circles around his ego.
LikeLike
Like an unholy halo?
LikeLike
Good News: For the first time in his presidency, Trump has actively sought someone else’s opinion on an issue.
Bad News: He phoned ex-pro baseball player A Rod for his take on COVID-19.
LikeLike
I don’t know A-Rods medical credentials, but I’m sure he’s at least as well or possibly better informed on COVID-19 than Trump.
LikeLike
but what does Kanye West think about all this?!
LikeLike
You dont want to know, but I’m sure we will all find out whether we like it or not.
LikeLike
I got my postcard two days ago. (I hope the mailman didn’t sneeze on it!) My wife is jealous, she didn’t get one. I reminded her that she got a letter from Melania two weeks ago and i didn’t, so there!
LikeLike
Oooh, neither I nor my wife got anything from Melania. What did it say, “Be Best”? Or “Get Good Soon”?or something?
And I wonder if your kids, if you have them, will be getting a nice present from Ivanka or Don Jr.
LikeLike
I’ve missed your lists! I have not received said postcard probably because I’m in California and he’s hoping the whole state gets infected.
LikeLike
I live in a very blue state, and I got it. Maybe California deemed the postal workers who were meant to deliver the card non-essential.
LikeLike
Or maybe the determined the card to be nonessential.
LikeLike
I actually think the card itself is essential to maybe 30-40% of people, who’ll react to CNN’s and New York Times recommendation to wash their hands and not hang out with other people with “stupid librul fake news don’t tell me what to do, the virus is a hoax anyway”.
But when the same recommendation comes from Trump, they’ll praise his wisdom and do as told. (Then they’ll complain that stupid librul fake news was keeping this vital information from them.)
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Still Skeptical After All These Years and commented:
I can’t think of anything to add to this reblog! List of X has sussed out the real story here!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. It was my honor to restore the real presidential recommendations.
LikeLike
Probably your funniest list ever. Good work!
LikeLike
Thank you.
LikeLike
I’m still waiting for Trump to start throwing rolls of Charmin at those pesky reporters at press conferences.
LikeLike
He would only throw Charmin if the company gave him a kick-back.
LikeLiked by 2 people
This is hilarious, but the sad part is that it has elements of truth. Sigh. What a mess we’ve become!
LikeLike