Many of you have probably received (or will receive) a postcard in the mail named “President Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America”. The postcard has many usual suggestions on various measures aimed to slow the spread of the novel COVID-19 that we’ve all heard a thousand times, like washing your hands and avoiding public places. However, since the card says “President Trump’s Guidelines” and not “CDC Guidelines”, it’s likely that President Trump did write his guidelines personally, and then the Deep State bureaucrats at the CDC rewrote the guidelines to turn it into a useless mush. Here is how the guidelines must have looked like when President Trump wrote them personally.
1) Don’t get sick and die. I like those who don’t get sick and die.
2) If you are an person older that 75, you should isolate yourself and end your presidential campaign against me immediately.
3) If you cough or sneeze, take no responsibility at all.
4) If you think you have coronavirus, stay home and quarantine yourself for 14 days. We don’t have enough tests or medicine, so you’re going to get tested, you’re just going to make our stats look bad.
5) Don’t touch your own face. Grab others by the pussy, if you’re a star they let you do it.
6) If your school is closed, find something for your kids to do. You could give your kids pretend-jobs, like I gave mine.
7) I’m going to send everyone $1200 hush money, I mean, a stimulus check. You could buy yourself a roll of toilet paper with it.
8) Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly after being in a public place. If you don’t have access to water and soap or hand sanitizer, have your Vice President lick your hands clean for you.
9) Avoid public gatherings, unless it’s my inauguration party, because it’s going to be historic, biggest inauguration in history, everyone is going to be there, you can’t miss it.
10) If you’re Mexican on Muslim, you don’t need to do anything.
The card also has the following small print section: