A couple of weeks ago, a man armed with a knife jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn into the White House and was, as we were told, apprehended just inside the building. (Barack Obama had left the mansion a few minutes earlier and missed all the excitement.) However, according to more recent articles, the intruder, an Army veteran named Omar Gonzalez, has actually made it much further into the White House than the Secret Service originally admitted, and penetrated “five rings of security”, which, apparently, include such fool-proof measures as “Do Not Enter” sign, running sprinklers on the lawn, and a cardboard cutout of a large dog. Since we can safely assume that Secret Service is still not telling the whole story about the intrusion, here are 10 things that Omar Gonzalez probably managed to do in the White House before the security finally caught up with him.
1) Checked in on Facebook and posted a selfie on Instagram.
2) Startled a couple of Secret Service agents getting busy with some Colombian prostitutes. (What? The president was out!)
3) Bumped into Vice President Joseph Biden and gave him a wedgie.
4) Ran out of the White House to leave his heavy backpack in his car, then ran back into the White House again.
5) Took a shower to wash off the sweat from all the running.
6) Carved “Omar was here” on the surface of the desk in the Oval office.
7) Called Comcast from the Oval Office phone and spent two hours on hold. (It would have been at least six hours from a regular phone.)
8) Called Pentagon and ordered them to bomb Comcast. Or Syria. Whichever is less likely to fight back.
9) Slapped several Secret Service agents on the back, yelling “You’re it!”
10) Scattered a stack of leaflets advertising the services of a home alarm company.