10 Things White House Intruder Had Done Before He Finally Got Caught

The floor plan of the White House with the red line showing the approximate path of the intruder.

Floor plan of the White House with the red line showing the approximate path of the intruder.

A couple of weeks ago, a man armed with a knife jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn into the White House and was, as we were told, apprehended just inside the building. (Barack Obama had left the mansion a few minutes earlier and missed all the excitement.) However, according to more recent articles, the intruder, an Army veteran named Omar Gonzalez, has actually made it much further into the White House than the Secret Service originally admitted, and penetrated “five rings of security”, which, apparently, include such fool-proof measures as “Do Not Enter” sign, running sprinklers on the lawn, and a cardboard cutout of a large dog. Since we can safely assume that Secret Service is still not telling the whole story about the intrusion, here are 10 things that Omar Gonzalez probably managed to do in the White House before the security finally caught up with him.

1) Checked in on Facebook and posted a selfie on Instagram.

2) Startled a couple of Secret Service agents getting busy with some Colombian prostitutes. (What? The president was out!)

3) Bumped into Vice President Joseph Biden and gave him a wedgie.

4) Ran out of the White House to leave his heavy backpack in his car, then ran back into the White House again.

5) Took a shower to wash off the sweat from all the running.

6) Carved “Omar was here” on the surface of the desk in the Oval office.

7) Called Comcast from the Oval Office phone and spent two hours on hold. (It would have been at least six hours from a regular phone.)

8) Called Pentagon and ordered them to bomb Comcast. Or Syria. Whichever is less likely to fight back.

9) Slapped several Secret Service agents on the back, yelling “You’re it!”

10) Scattered a stack of leaflets advertising the services of a home alarm company.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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51 Responses to 10 Things White House Intruder Had Done Before He Finally Got Caught

  1. Paul says:

    Ha! Funny post X. Good thing Michelle didn’t catch hold of him – she’d have beat him so bad he would have been him the hospital for a year.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Or she’s make him do jumping jacks and eat broccoli until he’d tried to jump the fence out of this terrible place.

      Like

      • Paul says:

        Bwahaha! Then they gave him a raise because his wage was too low as breaking and entering is not considered a professional designation. then before he could get too happy or get away, they took away his raise and that much more again for Obamacare – and his deductible is only $15,000 peroccurrence. he tripped going back over the fence, fell face first on the concrete sidewalk and gave himslef a concussion which he couldn’t afford to have treated as the deductibe was more than everythng he owned and his brain swelled from the iimpact and he passed away shortly thereafter, much to the dismay and frustration of those who wanted him punished severely for what he had done and the NRA was very outspoken that he had violated the sanctity of the highest security home in the nation and the seat of the capital of the country with the largest number of guns per household and no one even got to shoot at him so they went to the mortuary and burst in with automatic weapons and filled his dead body with bullet hoes and everyone felt much better and he was buried in peace.

        that could have happened too and the secret police whose job it is to protect the president covered it all up so they wouldn’t be embarrassed and called it a national security matter because he could hace been a spy and no one knew so they would never tell anybody.

        Like

  2. There are reports of approximately 60 fence – jumpers during this administration. I wonder what proportion of those people suffered from post- traumatic Comcast interaction.

    Also, I wonder why autocorrect replaced “post-traumatic” with “pop-traumatic.”

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I would say “everyone who ever had Comcast”.
      And you haven’t been blogging a lot recently, so that’s probably why your autocorrect no longer thinks that “post” is a word. 🙂

      Like

  3. John says:

    Actually, all the intruder at the white house wanted to do was search his records and find his roots. I think the guy had a root fascination and he went to the only gubmint agency he could think of for help. That might have been the root cause of all the commotion.

    Like

  4. 11. “Short-sheeted” Malia’s bed. Tee-hee.

    I saw that diagram in my feeder and knew this was going to make me laugh. Have you ever been to DC? The White House is hardy a “mansion.” Or are you being ironic? I’m so thick. I can never tell.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I’ve been to DC, and I know White House isn’t large. “Mansion” is what CNN called it. And as we know, CNN is always accurate and never ironic, and probably still diligently looking for that plane.
      Short-sheeting! (Why not the First Bed, though?) I wish I knew about that back in the pranking days, or even just last night when I was writing this post.

      Like

  5. Carrie Rubin says:

    Let’s hope he didn’t try on Michele Obama’s clothes while he was at it.

    Like

  6. mhasegawa says:

    Love #9.

    Like

  7. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    😀 I like #10… Never miss a chance to advertise. 😛

    Like

  8. rossmurray1 says:

    It’s like this occurred just so you could do this list.

    Like

  9. 11) Kicked the Nuclear Football and it was wide right. <—Obscure FSU & Buffalo Bills reference

    Like

  10. I am not going to try to outdo you with cleverness because that was really freakin’ funny.

    Like

  11. Once again I am crestfallen to find the secret service of movies, books, and television, are nothing like the real secret service. Sigh. Great post.

    Like

  12. Elyse says:

    Laughin and crying, you know it’s the same release …

    Like

  13. Gibber says:

    Annnnddd ordered a pizza. 😉

    Like

  14. aFrankAngle says:

    Fabulous map!!! Lots of laughs at this end, thus maybe one of your best!!! Love the bits with Comcast, but running into Biden may be tops.

    BTW … I invite you and your readers to stop by my weekend-long celebration party … and there will be plenty of entertainment.

    Like

  15. All that map needed was the kid from the Family Circus taking the long way home. Geez what a funny comic that wasn’t!

    Like

  16. Julie says:

    I think it was the REAL Barry Obama. He escaped from the holding area that he has been in since he was replaced with this impostor marauding around the world acting as the leader of the free world. He was just trying to take his rightful place. That and it’s a free country. The white house belongs to every American and we should be allowed to run the halls whenever we please. Just not with pointy objects because that just isn’t safe.

    Like

  17. El Guapo says:

    The bastard probably stole a bunch of soap from the oval office bathroom – the ones shaped like eagles.
    TERRORIST!!!

    Like

  18. pegoleg says:

    (Snicker, chortle, snort!) I’m trying to come up with a clever comment but this here post used up all the funny!

    Like

  19. EagleAye says:

    Haha! It’s all brilliant as always. Re: Number 8, I guess that explains why we’re bombing Syria. Comcast is FAR more difficult to control.

    Like

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