Last Friday, President Barack Obama made a speech, announcing his plans for reforming the National Security Agency in order to protect the privacy rights of Americans. The reforms are also meant to make the government surveillance more transparent – or, in other words, less visible. Here 10 of the proposed NSA reforms.
1) Whenever an NSA agents would be listening to your phone calls, an oversight agency auditor will listen along with them to make sure that the agents aren’t listening to anything inappropriate.
2) NSA employment application will now include the question “Do you plan to escape to China or Russia and leak state secrets to them?” with two possible responses “Yes, to Russia” and “Yes, to China”.
3) To prevent a future Snowden-like fiasco, NSA will implant a chip into the body of every agency employee to track their whereabouts. This measure will also impact all unpaid NSA interns, i.e., those who keep checking Facebook to see what the people they barely know in real life are up to.
4) From now on, Obama administration will diligently listen to the concerns of the privacy rights advocates and civil liberties organizations. The president had asked NSA to put all such organizations under 24-hour surveillance to make sure no concern of theirs is left unheard.
5) Barack Obama promised that he will shed more light on the NSA surveillance activities. This measure will come in response to NSA’s management request to replace 60 Watt light bulbs in the agents’ cubicles with brighter 100 Watt ones.
6) Out of concern for your privacy, NSA will only keep your information for 1 month. After a month, it will purge the data from their system by selling it to the highest bidder.
7) Due to budget constrains, NSA and NASA will be merged under the umbrella of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), where NSA will be responsible for security and NASA for transportation. Once the merger is complete, the TSA agents will be able fly directly to your house on jetpacks and frisk you in the comfort of your own home, thus saving you the trip to the airport and even the money for the airplane ticket.
8) NSA will continue its tremendously successful “if you see something, say something” program. After all, the concept had became the foundation for many companies, like Facebook and Twitter.
9) Addressing the multiple complaints of NSA’s racial profiling of Muslim Americans, the NSA will no longer profile Muslims, and will instead assume that everyone is an Islamic terrorist.
10) NSA will de-classify more of their documents and papers. The agency’s first step will be to re-classify their used toilet paper from “Top Secret” to merely “Confidential”.