10 NSA Reforms Proposed By Obama Administration

A predator drone on surveillance oversight program.

Fulfilling Barack Obama promise of more oversight, here is a Predator drone on surveillance oversight program.

Last Friday, President Barack Obama made a speech, announcing his plans for reforming the National Security Agency in order to protect the privacy rights of Americans.  The reforms are also meant to make the government surveillance more transparent – or, in other words, less visible.  Here 10 of the proposed NSA reforms.

1)  Whenever an NSA agents would be listening to your phone calls, an oversight agency auditor will listen along with them to make sure that the agents aren’t listening to anything inappropriate.

2)  NSA employment application will now include the question “Do you plan to escape to China or Russia and leak state secrets to them?” with two possible responses “Yes, to Russia” and “Yes, to China”.

3)  To prevent a future Snowden-like fiasco, NSA will implant a chip into the body of every agency employee to track their whereabouts. This measure will also impact all unpaid NSA interns, i.e., those who keep checking Facebook to see what the people they barely know in real life are up to.

4)  From now on, Obama administration will diligently listen to the concerns of the privacy rights advocates and civil liberties organizations.  The president had asked NSA to put all such organizations under 24-hour surveillance to make sure no concern of theirs is left unheard.

5)  Barack Obama promised that he will shed more light on the NSA surveillance activities.  This measure will come in response to NSA’s management request to replace 60 Watt light bulbs in the agents’ cubicles with brighter 100 Watt ones.

6)  Out of concern for your privacy, NSA will only keep your information for 1 month.  After a month, it will purge the data from their system by selling it to the highest bidder.

7)  Due to budget constrains, NSA and NASA will be merged under the umbrella of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), where NSA will be responsible for security and NASA for transportation.  Once the merger is complete, the TSA agents will be able fly directly to your house on jetpacks and frisk you in the comfort of your own home, thus saving you the trip to the airport and even the money for the airplane ticket.

8)  NSA will continue its tremendously successful “if you see something, say something” program. After all, the concept had became the foundation for many companies, like Facebook and Twitter.

9)  Addressing the multiple complaints of NSA’s racial profiling of Muslim Americans, the NSA will no longer profile Muslims, and will instead assume that everyone is an Islamic terrorist.

10)  NSA will de-classify more of their documents and papers.  The agency’s first step will be to re-classify their used toilet paper from “Top Secret” to merely “Confidential”.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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39 Responses to 10 NSA Reforms Proposed By Obama Administration

  1. Laura says:

    #7 is great news. TSA agents in jetpacks are so much less impersonal than drones.

    Like

  2. lexborgia says:

    #5 is great, specially for us Europeans. Maybe now Americans can finally understand why we’re so pissed off: we(the People) use energy saving light-bulbs,

    Like

    • List of X says:

      We’ll soon have to use the energy-saving CFL’s and LED’s here in the US, and many Americans are already pissed off about that. But NSA has so much money, they can afford to blow it on incandescent light bulbs forever.

      Like

  3. stephenpruis says:

    Hey, those chips in #3, they could be used to target drone strikes on rogue employees, right? Government should always be trying to kill two birds with one stone like this; it is more effcient.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      It should be trying to kill 2 birds with one stone – but not literally, however. All the killing has to be done by the most expensive machinery imaginable, because all those military contractors have to eat, too.

      Like

  4. Another great post. A particular highlight for me was; “those who keep checking Facebook to see what the people they barely know in real life are up to…”

    Keep them coming please.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you.
      I’m one of those unpaid interns, by the way, and let me tell you, the job is horrible: no pay, no benefits, no chance of promotion, and you have to work nights and weekends.

      Like

      • Urgh, well that sucks, sorry. Though hopefully somebody somewhere will recognise your talent and offer you a decent, paying job so you can get out of there.

        Although this won’t aid you in the process (and probably won’t gain you any new readers), I shall be adding your site to my recommended blogs list. I’m somewhat late to the party but I most definitely enjoy your work.

        Like

        • List of X says:

          I really appreciate your compliment, and being added to your very short list of recommended blogs. And you’re definitely not late – I’m still planning on posting, so the party is still on.
          I do have a decent, paying job, so I guess I really should think of quitting the NSA internship.

          Like

  5. 7, 8, 9 right in a row. Cost savings, revenue generation and homoginization. Perfect, simply perfect.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I knew that as a businesswoman, you’d see the need for these reforms. Now they just need to sell shares to capitalize on that, and I’m sure many investors in China and Iran would be very interested in buying the NSA shares.

      Like

  6. Carrie Rubin says:

    I’m all for #1. The more the merrier, right? And knowing they will eventually sell my information goods to the highest bidder ensures that none of my daily drivel will go to waste. I can now be at peace.

    Like

  7. mairedubhtx says:

    I liked #6. I can see that happening.

    Like

  8. Screw the NSA… I only talk about poop on the phone now. Wait… I need to Tweet that…

    Like

  9. CubicleViews says:

    Love this. You had me at #1.

    Like

  10. HoaiPhai says:

    #4 reminds me of Groucho Marx in Duck Soup when, as President of Freedonia, he responds to that country’s workers’ demands for shorter hours by reducing their lunch hour to 20 minutes.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      In accordance to advice of my lawyer, I’m going to say that I’ve never seen this movie, so that you can’t accuse me of plagiarism. But I’m going to have to watch it to see if there are other jokes it in that I could use.

      Like

  11. EagleAye says:

    Freakin’ hilarious, dude! The NSA has obliged a call for more transparency by revealing two of their sources: Facebook and CNN. While using your own TV to monitor you, the NSA will (upon request), provide you with a free video of how silly you look while watching TV.

    Great stuff. I loved all of them.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you, dude! I agree with you on FB, it’s definitely a major NSA’s source, but since when did CNN had newsworthy stories? All they have is fluff about Kardashians and so-called “human interest stories”. Not even NSA cares about that.

      Like

      • EagleAye says:

        Yeah it’s hard imagine that fluff is necessary while Egypt is self-immolating again and senators are texting their Weiner around. Perhaps Wolf Blitzer is getting older and a little tired to cover these things in depth.

        Like

  12. Huffygirl says:

    The 100 watt bulbs may be a problem – the government is also starting to regulate our light bulb watts, in the absence of having anything constructive to do. So, the 100-watters will have to be converted to fluorescent or LED. LED is a hundred times more expensive, so no doubt they’ll choose those.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Yes, no doubt they’ll want whatever is the most expensive. But we can’t really blame the govt for trying banning the inefficient lightbulbs – it’s so that we more oil left for our SUV’s.

      Like

  13. alienorajt says:

    Excellent! I love it. A damn fine piece of scathe, if I may say so! Alienora (recent-ish arrival on Planet WordPress)

    Like

  14. Anonymous says:

    Hi, I’m from the NSA. You don’t need to know my name only that we really liked #4 and #5. Keep ’em coming. Your file’s getting fatter and fatter, X.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to compile my file. By the way, I wrote you an e-mail, but since I did not have an address to send it to, I just saved it into my draft folder. Please feel free to read it there.

      Like

  15. Elyse says:

    I’m pretty sure that the NSA is staffed by teenage girls who will giggle uproariously whenever the word “butt (or but)” is used.

    Like

  16. ohnwentsya says:

    Reblogged this on Spirit In Action and commented:
    Thank you! It is so much better to laugh at the ridiculous than to worry.;-)

    Like

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