Did you see what happened last night in Hollywood? The failed Hollywood elites have given each other all those fake gold Oscar statues for all these very overrated mediocre films no one ever watches, and even some black people – who are terrific, by the way, Violet Davis, Mohammed Ali, both bigly better than Frederick Douglass – but they obviously won because of the affirmative action! Yet world’s biggest star, the very yuuugest celebrity, Donald Trump, didn’t get a single Oscar! It’s a total disgrace! No doubt the Oscars were rigged, and Justice Department will be looking into that shortly. Donald Trump should have won at least 10 Oscars! At least these ones:
1. Best Supporting Male: For being so fantastic and dedicated to supporting Vladimir Putin.
2. Best Visual Effects: For presenting all Muslims as jihad-obsessed terrorists hell-bent on beheading every white American.
3. Best Animation: No one before has ever made rural white voters more animated than Donald Trump.
4. Best Short Feature: For Donald Trump’s fingers, tied with Donald Trump’s temper.
5. Best Female Lead: For being such a great leader who attracts so many terrific-looking females.
6. Best Costumes: Nordstrom such a failure, can’t appreciate how great are the costumes made by Ivanka Trump. They are fantastic, the best, and no one makes costumes with less forced child labor than her!
7. Best Foreign Picture: For painting a vividly horrifying picture of Sweden as a failed state overrun by barbaric brown people.
8. Best Editing: For outstanding achievement in taking the news out of context.
9. Best Sound Effects: For being the first ever to successfully use dog whistles, screams of rage, and unintelligible word salad to win the presidency.
10. Best Original Screenplay: For “I know words, I have the best words”.
Finally, any Oscar won by the movie Fences (which is by the way, only one, a total failure) should have been given to Donald Trump, because he will build a big beautiful wall, which is way better than some failing fences.