This Monday, the United States Supreme Court had decreed that a private company can use the religious beliefs of its owners as a justification for denying certain types of contraception to its female employees. And now that the court finally recognized that private companies are able to hold religious conviction just like regular non-incorporated people, we can expect other companies to become more outspoken about their faith, and to change their policies accordingly. Here are 10 policy changes you can expect from other corporations as a result of the decision.
1) Walmart: “Because our company firmly believes in the wisdom of Biblical verses about slavery, all Walmart workers shall become the legal property of Walmart Corporation.”
2) Aetna Health Insurance: “Any sickness or medical condition must be regarded as God’s will, and as such, any medical treatment for said condition runs contrary to God’s purpose and will not be reimbursed.”
3) Comcast: “When you have called upon our customer service in time of need, and no Technician had come forth between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. as had been prophesied, you shall not doubt the wisdom of our company, but must instead search into your soul and question whether your prayers for His coming had been sincere.”
4) Pfizer, pharmaceutical company: “Our company has adopted the Hindu belief in reincarnation of all living creatures. As a result, any lawsuits alleging that Pfizer products may have caused a patient’s death will now become null and void because Pfizer will no longer recognize the concept of death. In addition, any Pfizer drug warning labels will remove “death” from the list of expected side effects and will replace it with “expedited reincarnation”.
5) Facebook: “Since so many of you come to Facebook to talk about your sins, you must treat the website as a confessional booth, and must not hide any embarrassing or mundane detail in of your life. Our advertisers are immensely grateful to millions of users who have seen the light and embarked on this difficult path already.”
6) United Airlines: “Our company mission is to help all of our clients ascend into Heaven, if only temporarily. And as you cannot bring your earthly possessions into Heaven, any piece of your carry-on or checked luggage will now be required to have its own airplane ticket.”
7) McDonalds: “Our company believes that cow is a holy animal, so from now on please do not expect any actual beef in your Big Macs.”
8) Smith & Wesson, firearms manufacturer: “Since guns enjoy the status of sacred objects in our culture, with some people even worshipping their guns more than their own children, any restrictions on gun sales are tantamount to Congress prohibiting the sales of religious artifacts and clearly violate the First Amendment.”
9) General Motors: “When our company issues a notice for our cars to return to its maker, we will refer to this action as “a rapture” rather than “recall”, and you may consider it a great blessing if one of our rapturemobiles has granted you your personal rapture.”
10) Apple: “Since the court has recognized the personhood of a private company, it is only fair that any current Apple employees leaving to work for our competitors would be condemned as adulterers and shall be punished by stoning.”