10 People Who Are More Qualified To Give Advice On Iraq Than Dick Cheney

Former Vice President Dick Cheney in one of his lighter moments.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney in one of his lighter moments.

In recent weeks, sectarian violence in Iraq had escalated into a full-scale civil war, with Sunni extremist organization ISIS fighting the forces of the Iraqi government, and taking control of the large part of the country. This development brought forward dozens of current and former politicians who in 2003 had passionately advocated for invasion of Iraq, and finally got their golden opportunity to blame Barack Obama for it, as well as for the thousand-year-old Shia-Sunni conflict. Even the former Vice President Dick Cheney who was the main architect of the invasion, came out of hiding at his undisclosed location to criticize Obama for losing the war. Just to remind you, this is Dick “We will be greeted as liberators”, “Saddam Hussein is buddies with Al Qaeda”, “Iraq has weapons of mass destruction”, “It will be a quick war” Cheney, so generously speaking, not the best expert on Iraq. Here are 10 people who would be better experts on Iraq than Dick Cheney.

1) Kim Kardashian: This TV star’s 72-day-long first marriage proves that she is able to set an exit strategy and quickly cut her losses when she sees that things aren’t working.

2) Kanye West: By naming his and Kim’s daughter North, Kanye accurately predicted which exactly part of Iraq would become a hotbed of sectarian violence.

3) LeBron James: This Miami Heat superstar is objective enough to recognize that NBA Finals that went to San Antonio Spurs with the score of 4 to 1 did not constitute a Miami Heat victory.

4) Justin Bieber:  He may be guilty of various crimes, including crimes against humanity (also known as “Justin Bieber’s music”), but he at least knows better to stay away from Iraq during his tours.

5) Bashar al-Assad, dictator: He might be a heartless power-hungry sociopath (or, in other words, Syria’s Dick Cheney), but at least when Assad is talking about weapons of mass destruction, he’s probably not lying.

6) Entire cast of Jersey Shore reality TV show: Unlike Cheney, these beach addicts know a thing or two about the sandy terrain and blistering sun.

7) Dr. Mehmet Oz: He may have pushed questionable solutions to enrich himself, but at least he did not try to justify his schemes as national security interests.

8) Miss Manners: This etiquette expert can tell you that bombing and shelling a country you are visiting is a sign of boorishness and impoliteness, and is unbecoming of a civilized country.

9) Miley Cyrus: Just 15 seconds of any music video of hers is enough to make Shias and Sunnis bridge their differences and agree that all they want to do is to make this stop.

10) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: Having adopted several children from different countries, this couple has experience in building successful international coalition.

Since there are approximately 7 billion other people who are more qualified to give expert advice on Iraq and Sunni-Shia conflict, please feel free to suggest your experts.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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107 Responses to 10 People Who Are More Qualified To Give Advice On Iraq Than Dick Cheney

  1. But wasn’t the mess in Iraq created by the absence of renowned Iraq experts like Cheney et al. in the first place? http://andreasmoser.wordpress.com/2014/06/14/mess-in-iraq/

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  2. Ankur Mithal says:

    Not to forget Putin. Wherever there is a good fight, he wants in on it…

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    • List of X says:

      Good one. And he’s sneaky about it, too – at least, it looks like he’s trying to stir so much unrest in Ukraine so that Russian invasion WOULD be greeted as liberation.

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  3. Paul says:

    I think you are underselling poor Mr. Cheney. I mean, we all consider him a dunderhead, but I think he may have actually won. It has something to do with the $39.5 billion that his company Halliburton (the largest war service company in the world) has made so far on the Iraq war. Think about the jobs he created, the unwanted poor that he thoughtfully had killed so we wouldn’t have to deal with them (the poverty level paid supply people he has putting their lives on the line in a war zone), the money funneled into American arms manufacturers, his unending and selfless support of the American war machine and American militray, the American young and poor that, with his encouragement, didn’t come back from Iraq alive, etc. I mean how can you mistrust a man who so obviously cares deeply about profits (the king of the war machine), the oil companies (who are great supporters of the American way), and power in the American political system. What more could any person hope to achieve in a life time? O_o

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    • List of X says:

      Oh, I didn’t say Mr. Cheney is stupid. He and his Halliburton and oil industry friends probably achieved all of their profit goals in that war, and more. (Maybe Big Oil didn’t get as much oil they’d been hoping for, but just the war itself raised the oil prices enough to make it all worthwhile.) And now there is another huge business opportunity opening up in Iraq, so we hear the war drums once again.
      The only problem is, Cheney is an expert at what’s best for Halliburton, not so much on what’s best for the US and Iraq.

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  4. No suggestions that would be nearly as entertaining as these, but you reminded me of a question that I’m just too lazy to Google: is Kimye’s baby’s middle name Bynorth? Because that would be awesome.
    Good day to you!

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    • List of X says:

      I don’t know if there is a middle name – and googling her will bring up more pictures of Kimye which I’d rather avoid, so let’s just listen to North West’s expert opinion on Iraq.

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  5. john zande says:

    A rock. A rock is more qualified to give advice on Iraq than Cheney.

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  6. Me, I am more qualified. I am sure of this. You as well. I don’t know what we would do, but we could simply sit down and talk, endlessly until their ears bleed. Maybe play music, hold dances, bonfires. I am sure with enough inane activities over a long enough period of time they would beg to break into three countries with large fences and good border control.

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    • List of X says:

      You are definitely more qualified, Val. At least you’re an expert on how people get affected by violence, which is just not something Cheney cares about.
      I don’t think the split Iraq parts will need walls, though. It’s not like they’d want to ever visit each other.

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  7. Sadly, Paul is right. Cheney is no dope. He has profited greatly. And now he’s running his fucking pie-hole? Can you believe that guy?! All those helicopters, rounds of munitions, anti-aircraft missiles and vaults full of CASH are now in the hands of the insurgents because Cheney’s Iraqi army cut and run. Thanks, DICK. Shit, man, I don’t get angry about much but that guy really gets my dander up.

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  8. I think I’ll go controversial with my comment.

    George W. Bush is more qualified than Dick Cheney because Bush knows how to keep his trap shut; also, his successor from the opposing party, upon obtaining the top secret intelligence available to presidents, found many of Bush’s policies sufficiently correct to keep them… even considering the cost to his popularity ratings.

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    • List of X says:

      I think it was very smart of Obama to continue Bush’s policies. That way, if they work, Obama can take credit, and if they don’t, he can blame Bush. Of course, in reality, the exact opposite had happened.

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  9. Carrie Rubin says:

    Dr. Oz–Ha! And everyone would be nice and skinny thanks to his ‘miracle cures.’ An added bonus.

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  10. Amaya says:

    This had to be your easiest list ever.

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  11. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    Straight to the point! Anyone would …. Could Sarah Pailin be included??

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  12. HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    But seriously… you had me at Dick Cheney…

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  13. Eminem… Knows how to get the shit outta anyone… lol

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  14. I vote for myself. People will point out that I don’t know Dick, and I won’t disagree, but I still know more than Dick.

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  15. El Guapo says:

    But does Miss Manners know the appropriate utensil to use to stab someone in the back, or what gift to get-well to get someone you’ve shot in the face?

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  16. Twindaddy says:

    Number 9. I say we just bomb them with boomboxes blaring Cyrus’ blasted “music” and wait for them all to surrender.

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  17. goldfish says:

    I love this list, but you forgot Santa Claus. He clearly knows a bit about efficiency.

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  18. Elyse says:

    Ummm, I’m just going to say “Anybody with a pulse. And many with no pulse.”

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    • List of X says:

      But we have to be careful, because there are a few people who still have a pulse who you don’t want making decisions on Iraq either, like John McCain and other members of the Bomb Everything caucus.

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  19. Sherry says:

    I’d add, my dog, but that would be very rude to my dog…

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  20. EagleAye says:

    These are some of your best ever. You really got me laughing here. I might add that my Peace Lilly is more expert. It keeps insisting that Peace, Lilly is the better way to go. 😉

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  21. Trent Lewin says:

    X, this is your last warning. You need to cease and desist any further hammering of our beloved Biebs. The man is a superstar. You cannot deny him.

    You know, this Dick Cheney… I’m pretty sure our dearly departed comrades Pol Pot or Mussolini could probably serve in a more robust advisor capacity than he could. Dick seems dodgy to me.

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  22. kitchenmudge says:

    I’d say this guy knows more than Dick:

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  23. rossmurray1 says:

    Something something biting soccer players something something. I try to stay topical.

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  24. I can’t compete with you, Trent and Art. This was definitely one of your most entertaining. And I truly believe that #9 could work.

    In other news… “ALSO the dude who commented saying the book was another way to lose a girl made me die. He’s funny.” It seems you have a new fan after your most recent comment.

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  25. Bill Carson says:

    I think you’re totally right about LeBron. This offseason he should make the announcement, via ill-advised television special: “I’m taking my talents to Washington.”

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  26. gesvol says:

    Ten people more qualified to give advice on Iraq than Dick Cheney? C’mon, such low hanging fruit! Now a list of ten people LESS qualified to give advice on Iraq than Dick Cheney, that’s the list I want to see!

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  27. I’d sooner trust the Teletubbies.

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    • List of X says:

      It’s tough for me to say, because I know very little about them. But they still have a huge advantage over Dick Cheney by not being Dick Cheney – unless, of course, Dick Cheney is wearing a Teletubbies suit.

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