10 Reasons Why Russian Bombers Are Flying Near California

American F-22 fighter escorting the Russian bomber in case the Russian visitor accidentally strays into a scary LA neighborhood. Image source: CNN

American F-22 fighter escorting the Russian bomber in case the Russian visitor accidentally strays into a scary LA neighborhood.
Image source: CNN

Last week, the U.S. Air Force intercepted two Russian bombers less than 50 miles away from the California coast. The bombers were accompanied by an aerial refueling airplane, apparently due to California’s ridiculously high gas prices. Here are 10 reasons why Russian bombers flew to California.

1) Vladimir Putin gave the order that this inane “Keeping Up With Kardashians” TV show must be stopped by any means necessary.

2) Facing possible sanctions on Russia for its actions in Ukraine, Vladimir Putin wanted to send a veiled threat to the United States by showing that Russian military still has two airplanes that are functional enough to reach American mainland.

3) White House asked for Russian bombers to help reinforce the American military because the U.S. Air Force just doesn’t have enough planes to bomb every country Senator John McCain wants bombed.

4) It turns out that General Motors engine recall was a little more widespread than we thought.

5) Due to a still-unfixed Y2K bug in the bombers’ navigation system, the planes’ GPS loaded an 1814 map, according to which Russia has a military base in Northern California.

6) The planes did not intend to threaten the U.S.. They were merely delivering a shipment of steroids to the Russian soccer team playing in the World Cup in Brazil. Also, if necessary, the planes were meant to help the Russian players by leveling the playing field (or the whole stadium, if the opposing team just doesn’t get the hint.)

7) The planes were on a reconnaissance mission to verify a recently obtained top secret intelligence report: a high-quality two hour long video showing San Francisco being destroyed by couple of 100,000 ton dinosaur-like monsters.

8) Vladimir Putin sent the planes to protect the oppressed Russian-speaking Americans like Google’s founder Sergey Brin and actress Mila Kunis, and to check if any of the American states are ready to secede and join Russia.

9) Russian security forces got tired of dealing with the NSA leaker Edward Snowden and tried to drop him off back in the US.

10) The pilots were lost, and Russian military pilots never ask for directions. They just fly over the nearest land, then comb Twitter for hashtags #OMGRussiansAreAttacking” or #WorldWarThree to find out where they are.

Advertisements

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

63 Responses to 10 Reasons Why Russian Bombers Are Flying Near California

  1. Apparently they didn’t know that Yakhov Smirnov spends most of his time in Dollywood, not Hollywood.

    Like

  2. Are you certain this is satire? #4 made me spit coffee at my screen, then I had to clean it up and it is early, had to wait to read the rest, more coffee…what a mess. Putin what a cretin. Are you sure they weren’t here to pick up McCain?

    Like

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    I thought I saw Snowden at Target. Now I understand how he got here…

    Like

  4. El Guapo says:

    !0 makes sense. I get most of my news from twitter these days…

    Like

  5. mcnorman says:

    I believe that Putin is a bit miffed over not getting an invite to the Kimye nuptials.

    Like

  6. Twindaddy says:

    I’m pretty sure number 1 is the correct answer. And I wish them success.

    Like

  7. Paul says:

    We Canadians used to meet them over the Arctic and shoo them away (true story). We need some new fighter jets, our old ones are broken, so we asked if they could give us a break for a few years. It’s good to get some collaboration from the Russians for a change. The Russians wanted us to buy some F-35’s from the Americans, ’cause they only have one engine and flying in the Arctic with the nearest airport 57 million miles away, that seemed like such a good idea (NOT). Anyway, all round thanks to the Americans and Russians for giving us a break for a bit.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      That’s the same F-35 fighter that can’t fly at night or in the rain? No wonder Russians would want every country to have them. Especially Canada, where parts of the country experience polar nights, so no one is there to shoo away Russian planes.

      Like

      • Paul says:

        Yep, same F-35’s. It is a sad state of affairs when we’re reduced to sitting on the ice cap drinking whiskey while listening to Russians snicker in the dark as they fly by. Oh well, at least the whiskey is always cold. Ha! Здравствуйте!

        Like

  8. Are you sure Sarah Palin didn’t just claim that she can see Russia from California too?

    Like

  9. #4 was spot on. They just recalled like a bizillion more vehicles yesterday. Pretty soon every GM vehicle ever made will be recalled. And #7 might not be too far fetched. Didn’t North Korea’s fat little dictator believe some Hollywood movie was real and used it for propaganda purposes? Anyway, great list.

    Like

  10. Elyse says:

    I’m there on #3.

    Like

  11. renxkyoko says:

    Huh ? They flew over here ? I’m from California. There’s a huge, huge community of Russians and Ukrainians here in my neck of the woods. My 2 besties are Ukrainians… they’re the best, but I hate their parents…… they’re politics is to the right of Clive Bundy. I’m not kidding. I believe the Russians when they said we were supporting ….. I don’t want to say it. I’ve been best friends with my Ukrainian pals for 10 years, but I was never allowed to darken their doorway. .

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I guess your friends’ families are just trying to integrate into the American society as well as they can – which means the older generation holding conservative views, while their kids are much more liberal. 🙂

      Like

      • renxkyoko says:

        Our white friends could go to their house, but I couldn’t. My friend admitted it was the color of my skin. That’s not conservatism. That’s racism.

        Like

        • List of X says:

          It is, and I should have said “conservative and racist”. Racism might be largely a conservative thing, but it’s not exclusively conservative, so I’m just glad it wasn’t genetically passed to your friends.

          Like

  12. dang it… I was going to make a joke about bad GPS and their history in the U. S… but you beat me to it…

    Like

  13. goldfish says:

    As a citizen of the Republic of California, I wholeheartedly agree with reason 1.

    Like

  14. I was just watching George Carlin’s stand up bit about war and then I saw this. So perfect. It’s a good thing the Russian bombers didn’t fly over Texas. Everyone’s armed. Bombers wouldn’t stand a chance against that many rednecks.

    Like

  15. pmahaney says:

    LOL #4 was inspired, not to mention the Russian military has only two functional planes in a nod to #2.

    Like

  16. aFrankAngle says:

    Numbers 1 & 3 were my favorites … especially with Sen McCain ramping up his hawkish side.

    Like

  17. We want revenge for Francis Gary Powers!

    Like

I can see you have something to say...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s