10 Activities That Can Land You On Terrorist Watch List

And the best thing about not flying is that you can skip this fun activity. Image source: politico.com

And the best thing about not flying is that you can skip this fun activity.
Image source: politico.com

Many people are afraid to fly – and with all the news about Malaysian Airlines flights and few other recent plane crashes, it seems like flying on an airplane is more dangerous than ever. Thankfully, the US Department of Homeland Security is running a program intended to save thousands people from having to fly ever again, better known as the “No Fly list”. Officially, the No Fly list is based on the list of suspected terrorists, and you may not feel like you could be eligible for this exclusive program. Luckily, according to a recent article, the US government is very generous with the “suspected terrorist” designations, and doesn’t even require concrete facts for you to be added to the terrorist watch list, just a reasonable suspicion. Here are 10 activities that can help you get on the list.

1) Trying to find out if you’re are on the terrorist watch list. Why would an honest person worry about being on a terrorist watch list?

2) Visiting Google.com – because this is the most popular site that terrorists use to find information on how to make bombs.

3) Have a weird Muslim-sounding name. Just watch what happens in 2017 when Barack Hussein Obama can no longer fly Air Force On and has to board a commercial flight back home.

4) Using “there” instead of “their”, “their” instead of “they’re”, and so on: systematically murdering the English language is clearly the first step to murdering those who speak it.

5) Buying fertilizers. Even if you’re not actually buying the chemicals to make explosives or grow weed, then you’re must be trying to grow your own vegetables. However, by growing your own food, you’re undermining the American agricultural industry and sabotaging the US economy as a whole.

6) Carrying a bottle of water: packing objects that are deemed too dangerous to be taken on board of an airplane naturally raises plenty of suspicion even when you’re not actually flying.

7) Taking flight lessons. If you ask the instructor to skip the lesson on how to land a plane, this is an immediate red flag. It’s a double red flag if you do ask the instructor for a lesson on how to land a plane, because you probably just hiding your true intentions.

8) Buying underwear: since someone once used underwear to hide a bomb, all underwear purchases are now closely watched. And no, I don’t mean closely watched by that weird guy hanging out at Victoria’s Secret and pretending to look for something for his non-existent girlfriend.

9) Speaking Arabic. This includes using Arabic words in your conversation or E-mail, for example, words like “algebra”, “chemistry”, “alcohol”, “coffee”, “giraffe”, “jar”, “lemon”, “magazine”, “orange”, “sugar”, or “zero”.

10) Liking and commenting on a list about terrorists. (That’ll teach you not to click “Like” without reading the post.)

Hat tip to eideard.com for the story.

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

83 Responses to 10 Activities That Can Land You On Terrorist Watch List

  1. serins says:

    O! I’m sooooo on that list now! 🙂


  2. Ankur Mithal says:

    I have read somewhere that to be on the hit(I think that is terrorist lingo for watch)-list, one has to be an innocent, mind-your-own-business, peacable, preferably female or pre-adult, kind of person. Clearly shows the US govt is lagging behind terrorists even in this important area of security. Are we safe?


  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Underwear and shoe wearer here…guess I should not have said anything!

    Eh, I am not flying for a while anyway. Plenty of time to get my name off the list.


    • List of X says:

      I don’t think it’s the kind of list where you can get off for good behavior. Just the opposite, the longer you avoid flying voluntarily, the more suspiscious it looks.


  4. Paul says:

    Ha! The urbanized, flying, news reading public lives a very different life of priorities than many who enjoy a rural existence. As the safety manager of a fuel transport company we had all the lectures about terorists hijacking diesel or gas laden tankers and were admonished to only stop in populated areas at night where people were around. We were to watch out for “suspicious” vehicles following us and were to report them, etc. I was responsible for any driver complaints as well as safety and one day had a driver come to me with a problem. We delivered to a fuel distribution center in a remote location in northern Ontario. It was owned by a farmers co-op and consisted of a group of large aboveground diesel storgae tanks surrounded by a high chain link fence to keep out the curious. The driver was complaining that the co-op had reduced manoeuvering room inside the compound by piling large bundles of fertilizer inside the fence to keep it safe from thieves. I couldn’t believe my ears – they had stacked fertilizer all around diesel storage tanks. What if there was a leak? (and it used to happen more often than anyone would like) Or what if someone decided to see what would happen if they opened the tank valves? I called the co-op manager and registered my concern. He was not aware that the combination of fertilizer and diesel was a potential problem – that news had not made it to the community. And he, apparently, had stored fertilizer with diesel many times in the past and didn’t see a problem and wasn’t going to change because of some silly rules that some city folk had dreamed up. I guess diesel mixed with fertilizer doesn’t explode in rural areas. What can I say?


  5. Given the amount of flying I use to do I would bet I am now going to be on the list. Half of your list is stuff I do! Woe is me.


  6. ernestortizwritesnow001 says:

    I’m surprised I’m not on the list yet.


  7. pieterk515 says:

    Great list. I would also add having a full beard when you’re sixteen. Or having your mom dressed like a girl-ninja in public.


  8. 1jaded1 says:

    #11…breathing. I can’t pick a fave because these were all hilarious.


  9. I guess I’m on the list now.


  10. Steve Ruis says:

    I’ve always wanted to fly on Air Force On, too! ;o)
    On point as always! Good job. New definitions of Catch 22.


  11. El Guapo says:

    Not owning a large collection of handguns and semi-automatic weapons.
    Because then you’re obviously against America..


  12. I just bought some orange underwear for my pet giraffe. I hope there not watching me.


  13. Amaya says:

    ♥ #4!

    A sentence with no actual words; I am murdering the English language right now.


  14. Carrie Rubin says:

    So from now on, I better stick to saying “that animal with the super long neck”…


  15. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    I’m bound to be on the list since I’m big friends with Google!

    Seriously, I bet I’m on the list because my ovaries did not agree with the SCOUTUS’s last decision.


  16. Elyse says:

    #11 — writing a blog about the terrorist watch list.

    Sorry, X, you’re toast.


  17. Julie says:

    algebra. where do eye find the list to see if my name is on their? Can you help me load this fertilizer onto my giraffe? Just don’t put it on my new underwear. Ok then, I’m gonna grab my water bottle and I’m off for my flying lesson. Today I am learning take over and aim!


    • List of X says:

      You can’t find this list. Seriously. And they’re won’t even tell you if you’re on it. It’s just someday you try to board the plane, and they tell you that there is a problem with your ticket – and that’s how you know they read your comment.


      • Julie says:

        (Shhh! Iknowthatalready! It’smyjobtomakethelist!)

        Are you shure? I think I will google it and see if I kant find they’re list somewares on the internet….


  18. Jim Wheeler says:

    Seems to me the easiest way to get on the no-fly list is to absent-mindedly try to get on a plane with a pen knife. Mine’s on my key ring. It’s a little Swiss Army version with a 1 ¼” blade, tiny tweezers, and two little screw drivers. The motivation is obvious – I am trying to whittle my way into the cockpit. Or maybe tweeze my way in. Eek. Call the swat team!


  19. Twindaddy says:

    I suppose reading this post makes me a terrorist. I’m surprised gallivanting around in stormtrooper armor hasn’t gotten me the least bit of suspicion.


  20. Great list. I shall never stop buying and wearing underwear. That is the only thing that separates us from animals!


  21. pegoleg says:

    Great list, but you didn’t go far enough. People who mess up there, their and they’re should be lined up and shot.


  22. I also assume that just because we are bloggers we are on not only that list but the top of the NSA watch list too… yay!


  23. Trent Lewin says:

    You know, for a country where the government is not supposed to be the be-all of everything, your government feels awful scary.

    Number 7 made me waste some very expensive coffee. It exited via my left nostril. I don’t know what’s wrong with the right one. They can have my underwear, by the way, and everything that comes with it. I’m now officially done with underwear.

    X. I think you may be fucked. I don’t know how to help you other than to offer refuge in the great white north. I hope you’re okay with beaver poutine and salad forks.


    • List of X says:

      I don’t know what’s wrong with your right nostril, but I think it’s just impervious to my jokes. I apologize for wasting your precious coffee, but I did put a disclaimer in one of my header images warning against reading while drinking, so I can’t offer you any compensation (but you can deduct it from the salary you’ll pay me).
      I’m afraid that even if I move to Canada, I’ll eventually piss off even your very polite authorities enough that they’ll ask me to please move back, thank you, eh?


      • Trent Lewin says:

        No, the coffee was emitted in that fashion because I was laughing. Sheesh, do I gotta spell this out? It was damn good coffee too. A pour-over served in a mason jar at a scotch shop.

        X, in Canada, we will take anyone. Literally, anyone. And we love it. Plus, our authorities are no longer polite. Our Prime Minister just had a go at the Chinese for cyber-espionage…we all sat back and said oooooooooo……


  24. Reasonable suspicion + dark skin will get you pulled over every time. Have you flown recently? It’s the definition of over-reacting. Also, driving a taxi in New York City will land you in a heap of delays at JFK if you’re trying to board a plane.

    I rolled the dice and hit “Like.” Let ’em come and get me.


    • List of X says:

      I know, they made it practically impossible to board a plane while driving a taxi.
      But you have nothing to worry about, with your fair skin you don’t fit the criteria for their totally random searches.


  25. This is one of the reasons libraries don’t keep records of the books you check out anymore. After 9/11 and the “I’m a good Patriot not a Communist Act” librarians just started dumping records rather than let them be searched. Cause if you read a book with bombs in it, you are clearly a terrorist wannabe. But if you are, you’re protected, thanks to your local librarian.


    • List of X says:

      Then, I guess, I have you to thank for keeping me off the list for now. Actually, I haven’t checked out a book from a library in years, but now that I know they don’t keep the records, I guess it’s safe to go back.


  26. aFrankAngle says:

    If one is already on the list, would your suggestions cause someone to get a higher rating?


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