And the best thing about not flying is that you can skip this fun activity.
Image source: politico.com
Many people are afraid to fly – and with all the news about Malaysian Airlines flights and few other recent plane crashes, it seems like flying on an airplane is more dangerous than ever. Thankfully, the US Department of Homeland Security is running a program intended to save thousands people from having to fly ever again, better known as the “No Fly list”. Officially, the No Fly list is based on the list of suspected terrorists, and you may not feel like you could be eligible for this exclusive program. Luckily, according to a recent article, the US government is very generous with the “suspected terrorist” designations, and doesn’t even require concrete facts for you to be added to the terrorist watch list, just a reasonable suspicion. Here are 10 activities that can help you get on the list.
1) Trying to find out if you’re are on the terrorist watch list. Why would an honest person worry about being on a terrorist watch list?
2) Visiting Google.com – because this is the most popular site that terrorists use to find information on how to make bombs.
3) Have a weird Muslim-sounding name. Just watch what happens in 2017 when Barack Hussein Obama can no longer fly Air Force On and has to board a commercial flight back home.
4) Using “there” instead of “their”, “their” instead of “they’re”, and so on: systematically murdering the English language is clearly the first step to murdering those who speak it.
5) Buying fertilizers. Even if you’re not actually buying the chemicals to make explosives or grow weed, then you’re must be trying to grow your own vegetables. However, by growing your own food, you’re undermining the American agricultural industry and sabotaging the US economy as a whole.
6) Carrying a bottle of water: packing objects that are deemed too dangerous to be taken on board of an airplane naturally raises plenty of suspicion even when you’re not actually flying.
7) Taking flight lessons. If you ask the instructor to skip the lesson on how to land a plane, this is an immediate red flag. It’s a double red flag if you do ask the instructor for a lesson on how to land a plane, because you probably just hiding your true intentions.
8) Buying underwear: since someone once used underwear to hide a bomb, all underwear purchases are now closely watched. And no, I don’t mean closely watched by that weird guy hanging out at Victoria’s Secret and pretending to look for something for his non-existent girlfriend.
9) Speaking Arabic. This includes using Arabic words in your conversation or E-mail, for example, words like “algebra”, “chemistry”, “alcohol”, “coffee”, “giraffe”, “jar”, “lemon”, “magazine”, “orange”, “sugar”, or “zero”.
10) Liking and commenting on a list about terrorists. (That’ll teach you not to click “Like” without reading the post.)
Hat tip to eideard.com for the story.
List of X 
O! I’m sooooo on that list now! 🙂
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Welcome! 🙂
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I have read somewhere that to be on the hit(I think that is terrorist lingo for watch)-list, one has to be an innocent, mind-your-own-business, peacable, preferably female or pre-adult, kind of person. Clearly shows the US govt is lagging behind terrorists even in this important area of security. Are we safe?
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The article I had linked to mentioned a kid who somehow ended up on the No Fly List at the age of 2. I think this means that the US government is not lagging behind terrorists, but is actually 15-20 years ahead of them.
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Phew! Thanks X.
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Underwear and shoe wearer here…guess I should not have said anything!
Eh, I am not flying for a while anyway. Plenty of time to get my name off the list.
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I don’t think it’s the kind of list where you can get off for good behavior. Just the opposite, the longer you avoid flying voluntarily, the more suspiscious it looks.
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Ha! The urbanized, flying, news reading public lives a very different life of priorities than many who enjoy a rural existence. As the safety manager of a fuel transport company we had all the lectures about terorists hijacking diesel or gas laden tankers and were admonished to only stop in populated areas at night where people were around. We were to watch out for “suspicious” vehicles following us and were to report them, etc. I was responsible for any driver complaints as well as safety and one day had a driver come to me with a problem. We delivered to a fuel distribution center in a remote location in northern Ontario. It was owned by a farmers co-op and consisted of a group of large aboveground diesel storgae tanks surrounded by a high chain link fence to keep out the curious. The driver was complaining that the co-op had reduced manoeuvering room inside the compound by piling large bundles of fertilizer inside the fence to keep it safe from thieves. I couldn’t believe my ears – they had stacked fertilizer all around diesel storage tanks. What if there was a leak? (and it used to happen more often than anyone would like) Or what if someone decided to see what would happen if they opened the tank valves? I called the co-op manager and registered my concern. He was not aware that the combination of fertilizer and diesel was a potential problem – that news had not made it to the community. And he, apparently, had stored fertilizer with diesel many times in the past and didn’t see a problem and wasn’t going to change because of some silly rules that some city folk had dreamed up. I guess diesel mixed with fertilizer doesn’t explode in rural areas. What can I say?
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Isn’t that what happened in that big explosion in Texas last year? Apparently, that was a city …
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Just visiting ruralites trying to make a buck – Ha! Those who are not in touch with reality are scattered amongst us.You would think, though, if you were handling anything commercially you’d be aware of this stuff.
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On would be very disappointed.
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Well, if they are going to overlook the important things like not getting accidentally blown up, they might really end up scattered among us.
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Well, it’s a “city” of 2,800 people, and it’s in Texas, so that probably qualifies it as a rural area.
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So what you’re trying to say is that to make a bomb I need to mix fertilizer and diesel fuel… 🙂 Welcome to the list!
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Oh, oh. What have I done now?
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Nothing yet, but you should probably start watching out for the drones, just in case.
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Given the amount of flying I use to do I would bet I am now going to be on the list. Half of your list is stuff I do! Woe is me.
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But Val, didn’t you write once that you’re tired of flying so much? 🙂
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Yes!
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I’m surprised I’m not on the list yet.
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How do you know you’re not? 🙂
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Maybe I should ask. 🙂
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Sure, if you want to get their attention. 🙂
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Great list. I would also add having a full beard when you’re sixteen. Or having your mom dressed like a girl-ninja in public.
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And the surest way would be to have a full beard and be dressed like a girl-ninja.
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#11…breathing. I can’t pick a fave because these were all hilarious.
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Actually, breathing is not a requirement, because according to the article, dead people can be watchlisted, too.
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I guess I’m on the list now.
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Most definitely. But you’re there because you keep wearing that mask.
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I’ve always wanted to fly on Air Force On, too! ;o)
On point as always! Good job. New definitions of Catch 22.
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Air Force One? My unattainable dream is to just once fly first class 🙂
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Not owning a large collection of handguns and semi-automatic weapons.
Because then you’re obviously against America..
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Obviously. I mean, you can’t claim you love America if you’re not ready to defend America from other Americans.
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I just bought some orange underwear for my pet giraffe. I hope there not watching me.
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They’re not watching you. That giraffe in orange underwear is too distracting.
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It is distracting, giraffes usually favor greens and blues.
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♥ #4!
A sentence with no actual words; I am murdering the English language right now.
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Actually, that was a pretty safe sentence: you can’t butcher the language if you’re not using any words.
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So from now on, I better stick to saying “that animal with the super long neck”…
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I think it’s also more politically correct to call them that.
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I’m bound to be on the list since I’m big friends with Google!
Seriously, I bet I’m on the list because my ovaries did not agree with the SCOUTUS’s last decision.
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I do not doubt you’re friends with Google. After all, Google probably knows more about you than most of your friends do. 🙂
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#11 — writing a blog about the terrorist watch list.
Sorry, X, you’re toast.
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oooops. Guess I’ll be driving to Europe now…
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algebra. where do eye find the list to see if my name is on their? Can you help me load this fertilizer onto my giraffe? Just don’t put it on my new underwear. Ok then, I’m gonna grab my water bottle and I’m off for my flying lesson. Today I am learning take over and aim!
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You can’t find this list. Seriously. And they’re won’t even tell you if you’re on it. It’s just someday you try to board the plane, and they tell you that there is a problem with your ticket – and that’s how you know they read your comment.
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(Shhh! Iknowthatalready! It’smyjobtomakethelist!)
Are you shure? I think I will google it and see if I kant find they’re list somewares on the internet….
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I thought Internet is mostly just pictures of cats, but if you can find this list, then there really is a point to it.
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yes. I found kats that are not allowed on plains. and kats that are on lists. and katis playing in boxes. dammit. I gotta call my boss…
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Seems to me the easiest way to get on the no-fly list is to absent-mindedly try to get on a plane with a pen knife. Mine’s on my key ring. It’s a little Swiss Army version with a 1 ¼” blade, tiny tweezers, and two little screw drivers. The motivation is obvious – I am trying to whittle my way into the cockpit. Or maybe tweeze my way in. Eek. Call the swat team!
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I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I once went through TSA security three times in one day (that was less than 3 months after 9/11, so they were really paranoid) with exactly the same kind of keychain pocket knife. The first two times I didn’t even realized I had it.
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Don’t try to take it into a courthouse either.
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Don’t try to take my little knife into a courthouse? Darn, Julie. What a bunch’a wimps!! Next door to us here in Joplin, over in Oklahoma, some of the schoolteachers are packing heat. 😆
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I have the same little knife. Not in the courthouse. I guess they thought I might toothpick someone to death. It was during my divorce so it might have been a valid fear…
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😆
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I suppose reading this post makes me a terrorist. I’m surprised gallivanting around in stormtrooper armor hasn’t gotten me the least bit of suspicion.
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I suppose that TSA is really busy dealing with Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker, who walk around armed, tired, sunburned, and with sand on their robes, as if they just came back from a some sort of military training in some desert camp somewhere…
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Obi-Wan IS a sneaky one. They should be watching him.
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They should definitely use the force.
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Pfft. They don’t have the mental capacity, methinks.
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You’re right, mental capacity is not a strong point of the TSA agents.
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Great list. I shall never stop buying and wearing underwear. That is the only thing that separates us from animals!
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Personally, I’d like to be separated from animals by at least a fence and a 100 yards…. 🙂
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Hahaha. Good point.
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Great list, but you didn’t go far enough. People who mess up there, their and they’re should be lined up and shot.
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I agree, they should be shot right their.
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They’re ya go.
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you guys our so rite!
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Thanx!
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I also assume that just because we are bloggers we are on not only that list but the top of the NSA watch list too… yay!
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You with your crack squirrels and world domination plans are definitely in their top 10. And you should be really careful, because I think I heard some rumors about a planned operation against Art Qaeda.
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And his brother, Al…
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You know, for a country where the government is not supposed to be the be-all of everything, your government feels awful scary.
Number 7 made me waste some very expensive coffee. It exited via my left nostril. I don’t know what’s wrong with the right one. They can have my underwear, by the way, and everything that comes with it. I’m now officially done with underwear.
X. I think you may be fucked. I don’t know how to help you other than to offer refuge in the great white north. I hope you’re okay with beaver poutine and salad forks.
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I don’t know what’s wrong with your right nostril, but I think it’s just impervious to my jokes. I apologize for wasting your precious coffee, but I did put a disclaimer in one of my header images warning against reading while drinking, so I can’t offer you any compensation (but you can deduct it from the salary you’ll pay me).
I’m afraid that even if I move to Canada, I’ll eventually piss off even your very polite authorities enough that they’ll ask me to please move back, thank you, eh?
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No, the coffee was emitted in that fashion because I was laughing. Sheesh, do I gotta spell this out? It was damn good coffee too. A pour-over served in a mason jar at a scotch shop.
X, in Canada, we will take anyone. Literally, anyone. And we love it. Plus, our authorities are no longer polite. Our Prime Minister just had a go at the Chinese for cyber-espionage…we all sat back and said oooooooooo……
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That’s good to know you’ll take anyone. Incidentally, we seem to have 50,000 surplus of Central American kids which we have no idea what to do with….
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We’ll take em, no questions asked.
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Reasonable suspicion + dark skin will get you pulled over every time. Have you flown recently? It’s the definition of over-reacting. Also, driving a taxi in New York City will land you in a heap of delays at JFK if you’re trying to board a plane.
I rolled the dice and hit “Like.” Let ’em come and get me.
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I know, they made it practically impossible to board a plane while driving a taxi.
But you have nothing to worry about, with your fair skin you don’t fit the criteria for their totally random searches.
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This is one of the reasons libraries don’t keep records of the books you check out anymore. After 9/11 and the “I’m a good Patriot not a Communist Act” librarians just started dumping records rather than let them be searched. Cause if you read a book with bombs in it, you are clearly a terrorist wannabe. But if you are, you’re protected, thanks to your local librarian.
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Then, I guess, I have you to thank for keeping me off the list for now. Actually, I haven’t checked out a book from a library in years, but now that I know they don’t keep the records, I guess it’s safe to go back.
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If one is already on the list, would your suggestions cause someone to get a higher rating?
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I’m not sure you would like the higher rating, because if you’re on No Fly List already, you’d probably be promoted to No Drive List, and that can get very inconvenient.
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