10 Reasons Why Agent 007 Cannot Possibly Be Black

According to Rush Limbaugh, only one of these people looks like James Bond.

According to Rush Limbaugh, only one of these people looks anything like James Bond.

There are few time-honored traditions that aren’t meant to be broken, such as the sun coming up every morning, or Santa Claus having a beard, or an American president being white (well, until recently). And a white actor playing Agent 007 has been one of these proud traditions. So when one of the leaked Sony Pictures’ executive’s e-mails contained a suggestion to make British actor Idris Elba the next Agent 007 James Bond, quite a few people became upset with this idea, because in Ian Fleming’s book James Bond is Scottish, and Idris Elba is, let’s face it, British. Oh, and black. This was the objection of the conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who insisted that a black Briton Idris Elba shouldn’t be playing Bond, because that would wouldn’t be true to Fleming’s story. So here are 10 reasons why James Bond shouldn’t be played by Idris Elba, or any other black actor for that matter.

001)  James Bond is a fictional character and Idris Elba is real.

002)  A drastic change from a white to black hero would leave the audiences shaken, not stirred.

003)  Like some other famous black people, black Agent 007 would always have to have his birth certificate ready to prove that he really is Bond, James Bond.

004)  Because every secret agent in every spy movie is white, no one can possibly expect a black man to be a secret agent – which is why everyone should and would suspect him of being a secret agent.

005)  While riding in his shiny BMW supercar, black Agent 007 would constantly get pulled over by the police eager to know what a man like him is doing in such an expensive car in such a nice neighborhood. As you can imagine, this would make car chase scenes nearly impossible.

006)  According to FBI statistics, black secret agents are 31 times more likely to get killed by villains that the white ones.

007)  If James Bond suddenly becomes black instead of white, Bond’s moral character would instantly become an huge issue considering that as James Bond he had likely sired and left fatherless dozens of children with various Bond Girls.

008)  Police are much more tolerant of white people carrying guns than black ones, and a black 007 better hope they don’t find his license to kill during a routine stop-and-frisk.

009)  Since most Bond villains are white and probably racist, they would not trust black Agent 007 enough to tell him all the details of their evil plans just before Bond’s escape.

010)  When black James Bond saves the world, everyone is going to assume that he succeeded only because of the affirmative action.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

66 Responses to 10 Reasons Why Agent 007 Cannot Possibly Be Black

  1. And if Bond was Mexican, he’d have a Tequila and scare people off with his moustache alone. What if he was Asian? He wouldn’t need a gun as he could kill people with his bare hands 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. How could he do that and help run a drug dealing business in Baltimore?

    Oh, wait…that’s a fictional character. Never mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is a test, right?
    Sorry. Sorry.
    I came in late. Just need to sharpen my pencil…..

    Like

  4. Steve Ruis says:

    Brilliant. Plus no self-respecting Black man would be packing a .25 caliber Walther PPK. People would think he was compensating for having a body part that is too large … oh, wait.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Amaya says:

    Spot on. Black 007 would be too unrealistic. All other James Bond movies are so believable.

    Like

  6. 0011 – If black James Bond showed up in a tux at the baccarat table drinking a martini, people would mistake him for P Diddy, because all black guys in tuxes drinking martinis in casinos look alike.

    Like

  7. One of your very best!!! XD….

    Like

  8. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    This is a good one …. Idris Elba vs Rush! My money is on Idris ….

    Like

  9. This post is ballsy and awesome. You are making me laugh while making me think while making me want to change the world while making me hate Rush Li… wait… I already hated him…

    Like

  10. you’ve been on a great roll of posts. Hilariously venomous, just the way I like it.

    Like

  11. Absolutely brilliant! Thank you for the giggles.

    Like

  12. ddupre315 says:

    Are there black people in Scotland?

    Like

  13. mcnorman says:

    My BIL and I should have had a beer before going through this one. LOL

    Like

  14. Elyse says:

    A list of 10 where’re I can’t find a favorite! Well played, X

    Like

  15. Samara says:

    This is fantastic. You’re edgy without using all the profanity I need to stoop to.

    For what it’s worth, I’m not crazy about a black Annie. I’m sure that will invite a maelstrom of criticism. But she’s a REDHEAD. And there aren’t many, as main female characters. Can that just be left alone?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Are you sure you’re not just upset just because you’re a redhead yourself? 🙂
      However, I haven’t seen any versions of Annie, so I have no idea how important is that Annie is a redhead.

      Like

      • Samara says:

        Yes, of COURSE that’s why I’m upset, silly!

        I haven’t seen any versions of Annie either. It looks painful to watch. But I do know she’s a redhead. Which is how she should stay.

        Happy Holidays, my talented friend. You outdid yourself with this one.

        Like

  16. Can you imagine if black British 007 slept with a white CIA operative? Holy Jesus! Conservative America’s eyes would bleed. These are very funny, pal.

    God, are you reading those Sony leaks? I’m trying not to. It makes me feel all dirty inside, but they’re so great. A bunch of wealthy morons full of their own egomania and self-importance devouring one another. It’s pretty great.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I’m not reading the actual leaks, but I am reading the stories about the leaks and the stories about the stories about the leaks. I feel like it gives me some perspective without actually have to dig in the dirt, and could be just as entertaining.
      Sort of like watching the reaction of a conservative watching a black 007 sleeping with a white CIA agent.

      Like

  17. Ankur Mithal says:

    Next you will say M will be male…Sure

    Like

  18. Xena says:

    Had that director considered Tony Osoba, there could not have been as excuse that the Black actor is not Scottish. http://www.tonyosoba.com/

    Like

  19. rossmurray1 says:

    How has no one mentioned the numbering yet? This is brilliant. All of it. Pure comedy Goldfinger.

    Like

  20. What does Mr Limbaugh say about the black Felix Leiter in “Casino Royale” and “Quantum of Solace”?

    Like

  21. pegoleg says:

    #002 – bwahahaha!

    Like

  22. aFrankAngle says:

    Well done on working with Rushbo material. My fav? Tough one … probably #9. Meanwhile, Happy New Year & best wishes for 2015.

    Like

  23. Trent Lewin says:

    4 and 7 bloody killed me… thanks for the laughs, X, this was bloody hilarous.

    Like

  24. Jae says:

    Rush-ty has been watching too much Megyn Kelly – she insists Santa Clause can’t be black because the real Santa was white. I think there’s a theme going on over at Fox News. They still insist that the American president must be white – because all of the other ones have been. They’ve been living in a Fox bubble the last 6 years.

    Like

  25. The Cutter says:

    There’s a theory that “James Bond” isn’t a person, but rather a code name for a series of super agents. So this would fit with that theory.

    Like

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