America is finally hiring! Well, it is at least hiring for the position of the US President. There will be a position opening up in November, and there are only a couple of qualified candidates in the running. And, as you well know, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are also in consideration. So, if you are thinking of applying for the job, please review the following 10 requirements to see if you qualify for the job of the American president.
1) Birth Certificate. Note: this requirement is waived for white males with WASP-sounding names. If you are not eligible for the above waiver, please note that you will be required to provide your birth certificate daily. In addition, you will also need to have the document certified by allowing anyone requesting the verification an opportunity to be physically present at your birth.
2) Must have a detailed plan for economic recovery, such as “Blame the other guy”, “Tax the rich” or “Screw the poor”.
3) Foreign policy experience. Please note that living in foreign country (e.g., Indonesia) will not count as a foreign policy experience. However, it will count as a foreign policy experience if you are living in foreign country (e.g., France) for the purposes of avoiding the US military draft. Being able to see a foreign country from your own house is also a plus.
4) Successful business experience is a must. For an example of successful business experience, see Bernard Madoff. However, since Mr. Madoff’s schedule is fully booked for the next 150 years, other qualified candidates are encouraged to apply.
5) Drug test. If everyone else’s less-important jobs require it, why do we have to get tested and the candidate for president does not?
IQ over 100 is required. Effective November 2000, this requirement had been deleted as too burdensome and had been replaced with the following: IQ above zero is a plus.
7) Relevant experience: Must not have any, or at least must pretend not to have any, in order to be eligible for the preferred “outsider” status.
9) Proper spelling skills. You must be able to correctly spell the name of the country you aspire to govern. Every HR offical in Amercia agrees that resume typos are a big turn off.
10) Attention to detail and ability to count to 10 is a plus. If you have not noticed that this list has only 9 items, how can you be trusted with managing the federal budget?
If you have met all the requirements, congratulations! Please submit your application along with the $1.75 billion application fee, and you will be notified of the decision on November 6, 2012.