10 Ways How Israel And Palestine Are Preparing For Barack Obama’s Visit

Map of Israel, the Palestinian territories (We...

Somehow, all of Obama’s security, diplomats and supporting staff would have to fit in this tiny area.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Later this week, Barack Obama is scheduled to make his first official visit to Israel and Palestine.  Undoubtedly, both Palestinians and Israelis would be eager to make good impression on the American President.  Here are 10 ways how Israelis and Palestinians are preparing for Barack Obama’s visit.

1)  Israeli government will paint the houses and pull weeds along the planned route of Obama’s motorcade to show that millions of dollars in American military aid did not go to waste.

2)  To highlight the harshness of life under the Israeli occupation, Palestinian Authority will burn houses and plant weeds along the route of Obama’s motorcade.  This measure will also make Barack Obama feel more at home, because it should remind him of Detroit.

3)  Israelis will dig an underground tunnel from Tel Aviv to the capital of Palestinian Authority at Ramallah, so that Obama will not see any Jewish settlements while traveling through the West Bank.

4)  Palestinian Authority will prepare a petition for Obama Administration to put pressure on Israel to withdraw from all the illegal Jewish settlements, including Jerusalem, Haifa and Tel Aviv.

5)  In response, Israel’s Prime Minister Netanyahu will prepare a petition to Obama and United Nations, asking them to officially recognize Palestinian territories as a giant pain in the tuches.

6)  West Bank will welcome the American President with celebratory billboards greeting “Welcome Great American Satan!”, while HAMAS, which controls the Gaza strip, will welcome the distinguished guest by setting off a homemade rocket fireworks over the cities of southern Israel.

7)  Barack Obama’s trip will include a visit to the Western Wall, where he is expected to place a note in the wall with his prayers.  Per the guest’s request, a section of the Western Wall will be removed so that all 2000 pages of Obamacare could fit in.

8)  In response to Obama’s request that Israel returns to the pre-1967 borders, Israel will offer President Obama a tour of Israel from the 1967 border to the Mediterranean Sea.  The tour will be conducted as a walking tour and is expected to take two to three hours, including lunch.

9)  Palestinian Authority will complain to Obama about Israel not allowing 3G cell phone service in West Bank and and are expected to compare this to the Holocaust.  The comparison would be perfectly valid, because Nazis did not provide 3G coverage to Jews in concentration camps either.

10)  In honor of the esteemed American guest, the personnel at Tel Aviv’s Ben Gurion airport will comply with the recent TSA decision and will allow for small knives, golf clubs, and baseball bats to be carried onto Air Force One.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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31 Responses to 10 Ways How Israel And Palestine Are Preparing For Barack Obama’s Visit

  1. One more news story I won’t have to watch, thanks to your provision of what will undoubtedly be accurate predictions.

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  2. Laura says:

    The underground tunnel is a great idea. Not quite as cost-effective as a blindfold, but it probably makes a better photo opportunity.

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  3. Another excellent and no doubt accurate list.

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    • List of X says:

      Thank you. I could have also mentioned that the visit will most likely be pointless and the conflict will go on indefinitely, but I don’t see the humor in that.

      Like

  4. You just might be an evil genius…

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  5. Sherry says:

    another great list!

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  6. Pingback: OBAMA’S LIMO BREAKS DOWN AFTER REPORTED GAS GLITCH: SEE THE PICTURES! « vineoflife.net

  7. Pingback: 10 Ways How Israel And Palestine Are Preparing For Barack Obama’s Visit | catmandue

  8. Pingback: 10 Ways How Israel And Palestine Are Preparing For Barack Obama’s Visit | catmandue

  9. Catmandue says:

    It took me forever, but I finally managed to reblog this post. I hope you like how I’ve done it… getting the picture just the right size took forever.

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    • List of X says:

      Looks good, and, by the way, I am always having problems with the pictures myself.
      There’s also a reblog button in the top WordPress menu bar. It’s much easier to use, though it mostly just refers readers to the original blog.

      Like

      • Catmandue says:

        Exactly… all you get with a “button” is a “link”.

        I dislike that intensely.

        That’s why I do it “my” way… and hopefully people like you will look at it and say, “Yep… that looks good to me.” Which in fact, is what you did.

        I’m happy and you’re happy, and that’s always at GoodThing™ in my book.

        Cheers!

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        • List of X says:

          I think it looks even better on your blog than it does on mine 🙂 I’m fine with other bloggers re-blogging my posts that way – as long as I get credit for it. But I don’t know if other bloggers look at it that way.

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          • Catmandue says:

            As you may or may not know, I was at the University of Waterloo (up here in the Great White North) taking Computer Science courses, and nothing else as I was in the “Adult Education” program.

            At that time, the “WWW” as we know it didn’t even exist. But Usenet did, and I used to post in “alt.funny”.

            Even back then, we always gave credit where credit was due… usually a joke we saw and reposted. That tradition lives on in me from then to now.

            I cannot imagine why anyone would be unhappy about having a post re-blogged, that is how we get some of the posts we use after all, when they have been credited with a “Via:” link.

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  10. Catmandue says:

    In “settings”, under media, you can set a max. width and height for a photograph. I set all the max. width setting in each offering to 275. I have found this to be the optimum picture width for my site layout.

    And interesting side note… You can initially select the largest picture you have during the “insert media” process. The you can then select from the drop-down box for image size the one that is the largest without exceeding the max. width you previously chose in the media settings screen. This process shows on the post in the max. width you selected, but… if you click the picture, it opens *full size* in the viewer window! Bonus!

    This works most excellently… you can caption, set the alignment, etc. as you are selecting the picture you wish to use. The only thing I do afterwords is to put a 2 px. border on and then 5 px. spacing on both the horizontal and the vertical.

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    • List of X says:

      Thank you for answering in such detail, I really appreciate it. My problem is that I do most of what you suggest, (I think), then save the post draft, and then picture appears not where I had just been, but somewhere else. Or the caption disappears magically, and won’t reappear even when I edit the picture to re-insert it. So I have to delete the picture, re-insert it, re-resize, re-caption, and hope it will come out right, only to find that it doesn’t. With some posts I lose all patience and just leave the picture wherever it ends up, as long as the caption is still intact. Well, I don’t want to bore you with the details anymore, I will just try to write another post and fight another picture. 🙂

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      • Catmandue says:

        I have suffered the things you describe. It usually turns out I have the same editing window open in a different tab.

        When a photo is giving me a really tough time, I close all my browser tabs, then restart the browsers. This almost *always* fixes the problem.

        I never save anything while I’m writing the post. I guess I like to live on the edge. And… harsh, harsh experience has taught me never to have more than *one* WordPress tab opened that is looking at my blog. This also fixes the problem I just mentioned.

        One blog, one tab… it’s a GoodThing™

        p.s. — I’m using MS Office Picture Manager to compress and re-size my photos before I upload them… this saves a *lot* of space in your WP media library. It makes an amazing difference as well for photo loading time when someone is reading the post.

        If I can be of any more help to you, please do not hesitate to ask… we’re all in this boat together and it’s best if we all try to paddle in the same direction.

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  11. John says:

    Due to the budget sequestration, all engine belts had been tightened, and 8% of the engine’s parts have been cut. – – – – (Now there is a minor sacrifice that I believe every American ought to be able to make for the sake of their country’s future – – that and at least on bike tire . . . and some old tennis shoes . . .and one in-law of choice….

    Like

  12. The Hook says:

    Great post!
    On a side note: it would appear everyone around me is getting Freshly Pressed – except for me!
    You couild write a “Ten Reasons WordPress Hates The Hook” post, my friend.
    By the way, keep up the good work!

    Like

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