10 REAL Culprits In New Jersey’s Bridge-Gate

As as result of the Washington bridge traffic scandal, the "Bridge Closed" sign has been redesigned.

As as result of the Washington bridge traffic scandal, the “Bridge Closed” road sign has been redesigned.

Last week, the story broke that several top aides of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had organized a closure of two of the three lines of the George Washington bridge connecting New Jersey’s town of Fort Lee and Manhattan, thus causing biggest traffic delays since the one that kept dinosaurs from making it to the Noah’s Ark on time.  The closures were justified as a traffic study, but now it’s widely believed that the closures were ordered by Governor Christie as a punishment for Fort Lee’s Democratic mayor Mark Sokolich, for not endorsing Chris Christie’s gubernatorial candidacy. However, Chris Christie had stated at a press-conference that he had nothing to do with the traffic delays, and the blame should lie elsewhere.  When I expressed doubts, the governor had convinced me with a simple logical argument that sounded something like “A nice blog you got here, it would be a shame if something bad happened to it”.  So, because governor Christie is obviously not to blame, here are 10 people and organizations who are really at fault for the Washington bridge traffic jams.

1)  Fort Lee’s Mayor Mark Sokolich:  The traffic jams are totally his fault, because had he endorsed Governor Christie, none of this would have happened.

2)  Big And Tall clothing franchise:  By falsely implicating Governor Christie in a scandal, the chain had received millions of dollars worth in free advertising for their suits.

3)  New Jersey Port Authority:  Conducted a traffic study to determine whether traffic jams could persuade a Democratic mayor to endorse a Republican governor.

4)  GreenPeace:  Closed the bridge to encourage people to switch to more ecologically friendly mass transit.

5)  Toronto Mayor Rob Ford:  While under influence of drugs, hallucinated that he’s the mayor of Fort Lee, and then ordered to close the bridge to Manhattan, saying, “we’re not even near Manhattan – why the hell do we need a bridge to Manhattan for?”

6)  President Barack Obama:  Caused traffic delays to distract attention from Obamacare.  Also, according to the super-secret Fox News research, Obama also hired the Obamacare website developers to build the intentionally faulty bridge in 1931.

7)  Americans for Tax Reform (an anti-tax organization):  Attempted to relieve the tax burden on New Jersey commuters by having them pay the toll at only one toll booth instead of six.

8)  ExxonMobil, Inc.:  Artificially created traffic gridlock to keep hundreds of thousands of cars running and burning gas for extra few hours, so that the company could sell more gasoline.

9)  Occupy Wall Street:  Instead of idly sitting around Wall Street and watching the bankers destroy the economy, they finally proactively blocked the Washington bridge so that the bankers couldn’t even get to their offices.

10)  United States Congress:  Are there any other words that pop up in your mind when you hear “Washington” and “gridlock” in the same sentence?

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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39 Responses to 10 REAL Culprits In New Jersey’s Bridge-Gate

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    Excellent in-depth reporting that will no doubt turn the heat up. Probably in Canada. And I have to say, I don’t think Beyonce should be above suspicion. Rumor has it that recycling trucks filled with copies of her new CD dumped their loads in two of the tunnels, causing panicked commuters to pile into the third tunnel to avoid what many called “a terrifying stench.”

    Like

  2. Laura says:

    The real culprits are the people of Fort Lee. If they all just stayed home from work that week, there wouldn’t have been any traffic.

    Like

    • john zande says:

      Now we’re talking! 🙂

      Like

    • List of X says:

      Yes! And no one asked them to get a job in New York, either, when there are so many legitimate opportunities to make tons of money from home! With only a tiny initial investment of $1,995.00, they could be making tens of dollars every month! Contact me today for this exclusive one-time totally legitimate opportunity!

      Like

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    Rob Ford. Of course! Makes perfect sense. Can’t believe the connection wasn’t made right away. 🙂

    Like

  4. Trent Lewin says:

    Man, you Americans are super-weird… But you know, if you want to have and keep Rob Ford, you can, you know. He’s up for re-election this fall, but we can find someone to replace him. Like a Shop-Vac, or a dead person.

    Like

  5. Twindaddy says:

    It looks like someone photoshopped a big footlong sub OUT of Christie’s hands in that picture.

    Like

  6. If he wasn’t a politician, the only way he could close a bridge would be to stand in the middle…

    Like

  7. Elyse says:

    I think you nailed it with Rob Ford. Those damn Canadians, eh?

    Like

  8. Tears rolling down my face. I don’t know which I like more Rob Ford or the President and his sublime planning ability .

    Like

    • List of X says:

      There was a sizable chunk of people in Louisiana who said that for the shoddy Katrina response they blame Obama who wasn’t even president yet. It’s not inconceivable that they would blame Obama for something he did before he was born.

      Like

  9. benzeknees says:

    I can see the big oil companies conspiring in this to keep up the demand for more petroleum products.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      This absolutely plausible, I think. They already conspire to keep global warming under wraps, and are so successful in it that millions of people think that it’s actually the scientists who fake the data to preserve thousands of dollars in their grants, and not the oil companies trying to preserve billions in their profits.

      Like

  10. The Hook says:

    Why can’t politicians use their powers for good?

    Like

  11. mollytopia says:

    This is smart AND funny. You’re a genius.

    Like

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