Last week, the story broke that several top aides of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had organized a closure of two of the three lines of the George Washington bridge connecting New Jersey’s town of Fort Lee and Manhattan, thus causing biggest traffic delays since the one that kept dinosaurs from making it to the Noah’s Ark on time. The closures were justified as a traffic study, but now it’s widely believed that the closures were ordered by Governor Christie as a punishment for Fort Lee’s Democratic mayor Mark Sokolich, for not endorsing Chris Christie’s gubernatorial candidacy. However, Chris Christie had stated at a press-conference that he had nothing to do with the traffic delays, and the blame should lie elsewhere. When I expressed doubts, the governor had convinced me with a simple logical argument that sounded something like “A nice blog you got here, it would be a shame if something bad happened to it”. So, because governor Christie is obviously not to blame, here are 10 people and organizations who are really at fault for the Washington bridge traffic jams.
1) Fort Lee’s Mayor Mark Sokolich: The traffic jams are totally his fault, because had he endorsed Governor Christie, none of this would have happened.
2) Big And Tall clothing franchise: By falsely implicating Governor Christie in a scandal, the chain had received millions of dollars worth in free advertising for their suits.
3) New Jersey Port Authority: Conducted a traffic study to determine whether traffic jams could persuade a Democratic mayor to endorse a Republican governor.
4) GreenPeace: Closed the bridge to encourage people to switch to more ecologically friendly mass transit.
5) Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: While under influence of drugs, hallucinated that he’s the mayor of Fort Lee, and then ordered to close the bridge to Manhattan, saying, “we’re not even near Manhattan – why the hell do we need a bridge to Manhattan for?”
6) President Barack Obama: Caused traffic delays to distract attention from Obamacare. Also, according to the super-secret Fox News research, Obama also hired the Obamacare website developers to build the intentionally faulty bridge in 1931.
7) Americans for Tax Reform (an anti-tax organization): Attempted to relieve the tax burden on New Jersey commuters by having them pay the toll at only one toll booth instead of six.
8) ExxonMobil, Inc.: Artificially created traffic gridlock to keep hundreds of thousands of cars running and burning gas for extra few hours, so that the company could sell more gasoline.
9) Occupy Wall Street: Instead of idly sitting around Wall Street and watching the bankers destroy the economy, they finally proactively blocked the Washington bridge so that the bankers couldn’t even get to their offices.
10) United States Congress: Are there any other words that pop up in your mind when you hear “Washington” and “gridlock” in the same sentence?