10 Ways How Russia Is Preparing For 2014 Winter Olympic Games

"As a result of our thorough preparation, our foreign competitors will have about that much chance of winning any medal."

“As a result of our thorough preparation, our foreign competitors will have about this much chance of winning any medals.”

In about two weeks, 2014 Winter Olympic Games will begin in Sochi, Russia, and Russian Federation is preparing to host the biggest sporting event of the year – or at least the biggest between the Superbowl and the NBA playoffs.  And Russia is taking its job very seriously – so seriously, in fact, that it will import snow from Israel – because, obviously, if there is one thing Russia lacks in the winter, it’s snow.   Here are 10 more the ways how Russia is getting ready to host the Olympic Games.

1)  Russian police officers are going through extensive training on working with foreigners, so that they’ll be able to ask for a bribe in 12 different languages.

2)  Russian authorities released members of punk rock band Pussy Riot and tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky from prison, because several unfinished Sochi Olympic construction projects are behind schedule and urgently require more workers.

3)  In response to China’s famous Nest Stadium built for 2008 Beijing Olympics, Russia is building a Nesting Stadium, with a smaller second stadium built within the stadium, then an even smaller third stadium inside the second one, and so on, and so on. (This will also be known as “the Inception stadium”). The Nesting Stadium will be built in this way as a homage to the famous traditional Russian nesting dolls, as well as a homage to Sochi’s ridiculously high real estate prices.

4)  Due to Russian security services’ concerns about possible terrorist attacks, all foreigners will be asked to surrender all dangerous items in their possession and leave them in the custody of Russian law enforcement officials until the end of the Games.  Dangerous objects will include biathlon rifles, skates, and hockey sticks.

5)  The country banned gay propaganda to emphasize the masculinity of the Olympic Games.  Because there is absolutely nothing gay about the sporting event that started out as a bunch of naked men running around and wrestling each other.  In addition, by passing the anti-gay law, Russia hoped to trick most of the Western athletes into boycotting the Games and dropping out of medal contention.

6)  Vodka will be promoted as both the official drink, and the official doping of the Olympics.

7)  Russian Olympic committee has ordered sand-and-sand-spreading trucks to make the figure skating rinks safer for the American and Chinese skaters.

8)  Russian intelligence services lured Edward Snowden from the United States, hoping to get their hands on the NSA information on how exactly American athletes are training for the Games.

9)  Per agreement with Bashar al-Assad, Russia took over all of Syria’s chemical weapons, in case it needs to break up a demonstration.

10)  And finally, throughout the previous 500 years, Russia conquered most of the Eurasia’s landmass covered by snow in winter in order to secure enough place for the Russian athletes to practice.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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69 Responses to 10 Ways How Russia Is Preparing For 2014 Winter Olympic Games

  1. Laura says:

    #3 made me LOL, literally.

    I’ve heard they’re also hiring Ukrainian consultants to set up a text-messaging system to notify spectators when they’re sitting in the wrong seats.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Hmm, interesting. In the 20th century, they used to have this personalized voice announcement system where the holders of correct tickets would come to their seats and verbally tell the squatters to move.

      Like

  2. Mal Content says:

    Dude, hockey sticks ARE dangerous objects. Any hockey player’s dentist will tell you that.

    Like

  3. Aussa Lorens says:

    I so badly wish the nesting stadium were true.

    Like

  4. Ankur Mithal says:

    Great list.
    Permit me to add:
    11. Putin and followers buying up land in Sochi on which the Games would be held
    12. Convincing villagers nearby that it was for their benefit that the Games were being held in Sochi

    Like

  5. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Nesting stadium is brilliant.

    I wholeheartedly support item #6.

    Like

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    They could make conception stadium…*shudder*

    Like

  7. The winter Olympics are promising to be a cluster-fuck, which ironically, was one of the original events, back in olden times.

    Like

  8. It’s a good thing you provided a link to that story about buying snow from Israel because I wouldn’t have taken your word for it. But can we trust Georgian TV News? Are they fair and balanced?

    Like

  9. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    #1 and #5 were the best! Actually they all were. I couldn’t resist temptation to post on Facebook.

    Like

  10. rossmurray1 says:

    #3. So crazy it just might work.

    Like

  11. EagleAye says:

    I thought for sure that gay flags might show up on the “dangerous items” list. And if gays do end up boycotting the Olympics, we might not have a men’s figure skating event. I also oppose the allowance of vodka for the athletes. It gives the Russians an unfair advantage!

    Like

  12. Amaya says:

    I love Nesting Stadium! 😀

    Like

  13. mcnorman says:

    There will be atleast 10 ways that Putin will take selfies during the award ceremonies. 😀

    Like

  14. Jueseppi B. says:

    Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat™.

    Like

  15. Dr. Rex says:

    Very interesting … Reblog: on It Is What It is … 🙂

    Like

  16. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    Preparations for SOCHI!! Russia and Putin …..

    Like

  17. Carrie Rubin says:

    A Nesting Stadium–that’s genius! I love all your posts, but this one is one of my favorites. Well done!

    Like

  18. Man, you crack me up… Putin is also busy training to ride around shirtless on a horse whilst not looking too gay… and they have the same problem with the training for all the people who walk around in the opening ceremony swinging big, colorful flags.

    Like

  19. Ned's Blog says:

    I have to say, I worry about how the Russians will deal with the inevitable “empty nesting syndrome” once the games are over.

    Like

  20. Sherry says:

    good list but I have a bad feeling about this Olympics. Sure hope I’m wrong.

    Like

  21. speaker7 says:

    #3 is genius…just genius.

    Like

  22. I agree with the others – the nesting thing was great. Also banning the gay propoganda when the Ancient Greeks started it. They didn’t have much of a problem being naked and hanging out together a LOT. I do wonder how they could, uh, run that well with it all hangin’ out though.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Well, considering that Greeks haven’t invented underwear yet, it probably wouldn’t have been much different from running in a toga. Except toga would probably keep slipping off, and you had to keep slowing down or stopping to catch it, so the whole competition would be less like a sport, and more like a bunch of frat boys trying to entertain themselves.

      Like

  23. Anonymous says:

    дебилы ебаные yanki gou hou!

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Весьма признателен за ваш исключительно разумный и ценный комментарий. Единственное замечание – “янки гоу хоум” по-английски пишется “Yankee go home”.

      Like

  24. benzeknees says:

    Great take on what the Russians are doing to prepare!

    Like

  25. El Guapo says:

    As long as Russia doesn’t steal the air from Beijing as well.
    I understand the North Koreans are heavily favored to win the Rasputin Assasination event

    Like

    • List of X says:

      This is a very difficult event. The guy was extremely hard to kill when he was alive, but now that he’s dead, it’s pretty much impossible.
      But we can still count on North Korean media announcing their overwhelming victory.

      Like

  26. mcnorman says:

    You know if Pooter had fallen on the slopes during a run for a medal and broken his ski, you have to wonder who would help him out? I’m guessing only paid staffers. lol

    Like

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