The ISIS insurgency continues in Iraq, and, as it always happens, every American politician seems to automatically assume that whenever there is a war anywhere in the world, the United States must immediately get involved. For the last few weeks, the United States has been supporting the Iraqi army by launching airstrikes against ISIS, but when Barack Obama recently said that the United States has no defined strategy on ISIS, he was criticized for it, because, as we all remember, having a strategy worked out so well the last time the US invaded Iraq. Since it appears that staying out of yet another Middle Eastern war is not an option, here are 10 strategies for defeating ISIS.
1) Persist in having no defined strategy. Choosing a military strategy allows the opponent to guess what it is and prepare for our next move, but if we continue arbitrary and chaotic airstrikes against ISIS, they can’t possibly predict when and where our next attack is coming.
2) Since officially recognizing ISIS as a credible threat to the United States only raises the profile of the terrorist organization and helps them recruit more fighters, one of the most damaging things Obama could do to ISIS would be to ignore them and go golfing.
3) Assemble an international coalition to fight ISIS, or, in other words, outsource the actual fighting to China and India.
4) Take the advice of Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty reality show, that the way to defeat ISIS is to convert them to Christianity or kill them. This recommendation must be taken seriously, since, after all, this man spent decades of his life fighting the bloody take-no-prisoners war against ducks.
5) Bomb Russia: Not only it would punish Russia for its meddling in Ukraine, but a Russian retaliation would prevent an ISIS attack since there won’t really be anything left in the US that would be worth attacking.
6) Let National Rifle Association sell firearms to every Iraqi old enough to lift a gun: if a nine-year-old girl with an Uzi can defend herself against a weapons instructor, peaceful Iraqis should have no problem beating ISIS.
7) Refer to ISIS as “ISIL” in all official documents. This will ensure that when ISIS-related classified documents eventually get leaked, ISIS will think that Pentagon is talking about someone else.
8) Elect Republican politicians into ISIS’ leadership: by filibustering every move of the organization, they will completely paralyze it and won’t let it accomplish any of its goals.
9) Insist that there would be no boots on the ground until Iraqi government gets the hint and rolls out the red carpet.
10) Train and arm moderate Syrian rebels. The first step would be finding these people who are willing to kill and die for peace, and crush their enemies in the name of diversity and tolerance.