10 Absolutely Essential Items Pentagon Gave To Your Local Police

St. Louis police is still waiting for their snow camouflage parkas. Image source: vanityfair

St. Louis police is still waiting for their snow camouflage parkas.
Image source: vanityfair

Protests in Ferguson, Missouri, where peaceful protesters faced St Louis county police equipped with machine guns, gas masks, camouflage, and armored vehicles, has made it clear that your local police department might be armed well enough to defeat the army of a country like Albania or Guatemala. As it turns out, Pentagon has a multi-billion dollar program which gives away all kinds of military hardware to the police, from the basic stuff like assault rifles, sniper scopes, and grenade launchers, to more advanced machinery like helicopters and armored vehicles, and to occasional non-military equipment. For example, Pentagon gave New Orleans police things like snow camouflage and men’s scarves. And although many people believe that the police doesn’t need things like armored vehicles or snow camouflage in snow-less New Orleans, all of this equipment is truly necessary for police work. Here are the explanations for 10 of the items actually given by Pentagon to the New Orleans police.

1)  1 Armored Personnel Carrier: This vehicle is needed to help black police officers get home safely after they’ve completed their shifts and changed into civilian clothing. Don’t you know how dangerous it is for an unarmed black man to drive through an area of heavy police presence?

2)  1 Mine-Resistant Vehicle: Considering the strong influence of French culture in New Orleans (including some of the less pleasant aspects of it), it’s very likely that the requisition form contained a typo, and the police mean to request a mime-resistant vehicle.

3)  20 snow camouflage parkas and 10 pairs of snowshoes: Because the people who govern Louisiana claim that global warming is a hoax and the planet is actually experiencing a global cooling, the New Orleans police expect that they would have to fight crime waist-deep in the snow any day now.

4)  3 circulating fans: Because it gets really hot in New Orleans, especially if you’re wearing snow camouflage parkas and snowshoes.

5)  360 men’s scarves: When camouflage and gas masks dehumanize police officers and turn them into some kind of scary forest-dwelling robots, a carefully picked elegant scarf can give them an element of flair and respectability.

6)  30 survival axes: An absolutely necessary item for repelling a zombie attack. If Pentagon already has a strategy for fighting zombies, it would only be fair if New Orleans police does join the battle, too.

7) 1 parachute bag (without the parachute): Should a bad guy hijack the helicopter and demand a suitcase of money and a parachute, he would be in for a nasty surprise when he jumps out with the money and discovers that his parachute bag is filled with 50 of those men’s scarves.

8) 1 infrared telescope: Because how else would you put a surveillance on that suspicious alien spaceship with the expired licence plates?

9) 46 laundry nets: Obviously an ideal instrument for catching money launderers.

10) 12 searchlights: Today’s criminals have gotten used to standard police interrogation techniques, and a regular 100-Watt lamp pointed in their face just doesn’t get the confessions like it used to.

Thanks to Eideard for the story. Also, the full list included things like pliers, chainsaw, bug-proof jackets, life raft, life preservers, diver’s suits, hammer, rubber mallet, machete, space heater, laser pointers, forklift, cork sheets, insulation tape, magnifier, battery chargers, generator, desk light, photo camera and tripod, folding chairs (at $1,096.99 each), garbage can, coffee maker, rubber sheets, and computer mice – so please feel free to add your explanations for these.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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52 Responses to 10 Absolutely Essential Items Pentagon Gave To Your Local Police

  1. Paul says:

    No doubt the cork sheets are for when they cork a bad guy over the head they can cover him with a cork sheet. That way fellow officers know which bad guys have been put out of service by being corked.

    Like

  2. Laura says:

    The laser pointers are used to distract marauding gangs of housecats. The garbage cans are for disposing of any copies of the Constitution that might be cluttering up the office.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I think that the marauding gangs of housecats would get even hungrier and scarier when they find that all the garbage cans are filled with the copies of the Constitution instead of food.

      Like

  3. aFrankAngle says:

    Excellent rationale for global cooling. Meanwhile, the rubber sheets must be for the cutouts at the condom workshop.

    Like

  4. Amaya says:

    Magnifier to search for the last vestiges of civil liberty. Perhaps they have a flame thrower to torch said liberties?

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  5. Obviously, they need the garbage can to have a place to throw the cork sheets, insulation tape, magnifier, battery chargers, desk light, etc., etc.

    No suburban police force is complete without a grenade launcher. I know it’s for tear gas and not actual grenades, but still.

    It blows my mind that America can be both the envy of so many and still manage to be a laughing stock.

    I think this might be your best one yet. And that’s saying something. You got me with “mime resistant.”

    Like

  6. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    I wish I had your gift of sarcasm and humor. 😛 Well done!

    Like

  7. mcnorman says:

    You outdid yourself this time. ROFLMAO

    Like

  8. Jim Wheeler says:

    I think it’s clear that the NO cops were hedging their bets on number 3, the snow parkas and snow shoes, by ordering the bug-resistant jackets. If they were wrong about global warming, O mon Dieu!, these will be important for warding off tropical diseases like chikingunga and ebola. (Do not tell Faux News, they don’t consider “wrong” to be an option.)

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Don’t worry, I won’t, because I don’t consider Fox to be news 🙂
      Looking at the items in the list, it looked like the New Orleans police were planning to open a hardware store to compete against Home Depot.

      Like

  9. I think they should give us all tanks… so we can fight the terrorists…

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  10. Carrie Rubin says:

    “a mime-resistant vehicle.”—Hahaha! Good thinking. I hear the ghost of Marcel Marceau has been getting around.

    Like

  11. Elyse says:

    Ummmm, everything makes perfect sense except the desk lamps. Who brings a desk to a riot? That would simply be overkill.

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  12. I missed this post some how. But I got it now. Great list. I bet when those gifts from the pentagon come in it’s like christmas for the police.

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  13. I am thinking those big bad cops will be dressing well in the future with those scarves, will they be in pretty pastels or something brighter?

    Like

  14. EagleAye says:

    Haha! Wonderful items all. I’m so happy to hear New Orleans is so well prepared for the winter. I don’t have to lie awake wondering about it at night anymore.

    Like

  15. pegoleg says:

    Does it mean anything that when I first read #2, I thought it said MIME-resistant?

    Like

  16. Julie says:

    X!! You seriously have some kinda wit! Are you trying to get me fired?? hoo boy! The really sad thing is you didn’t make this up! How much for a folding chair?? $1,096.99?? Boy I sure hope they got a LOT of them! How do I get on the list? I am pretty sure I am in more need that the good ole boys in Narleens. besides, they just got a lot….

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I am certainly not trying to get you fired. Unless you work for the NSA and your job is to track my online activities, or something like that.
      I think the police got 9 chairs, but they didn’t pay anything to Pentagon: it’s what Pentagon paid for them.

      Like

      • Julie says:

        They must be REALLY nice folding chairs… No, I do not now, nor have I ever been employed by the NSA, I stalk you online simply because it’s fun.

        Like

  17. Aussa Lorens says:

    Sobering topic but “mime proof” made me giggle on the inside.

    Like

  18. DId you hear about the Palin brawl? It’s on Huffpost. It’s like they’re just giving you comedy write-ups. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/11/palin-family-brawl_n_5805816.html

    Like

  19. As far as this Pentagon stuff – how did the police get hold of what was clearly your local librarian’s list of supplies?

    Like

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