10 Reactions To Indictment Of Texas Governor Rick Perry

Rick Perry in the most presidential-looking mugshot ever. Image source: CNN

Rick Perry in the most presidential-looking mugshot ever.
Image source: CNN

In a shocking development, grand jury in Texas has charged the state’s governor and a likely 2016 presidential candidate Rick Perry with two felony counts of abuse of power and trying to coerce a public official. The charges stem from the incident when Texas District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg was arrested for drunk driving, and Rick Perry tried to remove her from the office by vetoing the funding for public corruption investigations unit that Lehmberg supervised. Here are 10 reaction to Rick Perry’s indictment.

1) Mike McCrum, special prosecutor: “The grand jury had indicted Rick Perry on two felony counts. They were going to charge Perry with three, but he wouldn’t remember the third one.”

2) David Dewhurst, Lieutenant Governor of Texas: “I don’t understand why people are making such a big deal about Rick’s cutting funding for the public integrity unit. We don’t need any corruption investigations. In this country and the great state of Texas, we have this completely legal process in which anyone could lawfully give a wad of money to a politician and have them do anything you want.”

3) Texas Highway Patrol: “This morning, just outside of Austin, our officers have stopped and arrested one Rosemary Lehmberg when they found her blood alcohol level at over three times the legal limit. Ms. Lehmberg was disoriented and incoherent, and it took Sgt. McDaniel 20 minutes to understand that Ms. Lehmberg had been celebrating something she called ‘indigma of ripurry’.”

4) Joe Allbaugh, Rick Perry’s campaign manager: “I can promise you that Rick Perry will definitely be running in 2016. That is, unless they catch him earlier.”

5) George W. Bush, former president: “I don’t think drunk driving should be a disqualification for a public office. Look at me, I got arrested for DUI too, and I still turned out to be a pretty great president!”

6) Jon Belmar, chief of St. Louis County Police: “I think Rick Perry was correct in demanding Lehmberg’s resignation. Her actions were absolutely inappropriate for anyone in law enforcement. If she had shot and killed an unarmed black man, fine, no problem. But drunk driving – that is a serious offense.”

7) Chris Christie, governor of New Jersey: “Lay off Rick, will ya? My experience with the bridge scandal tells me that he’s completely innocent in all this! He didn’t sign the veto order, it was clearly done without any of his knowledge by one of my aides! I already fired several of them today, and if I ever find out who is responsible, I’ll fire them, too.”

8) Nate Silver, election expert: “There was a question whether Rick Perry’s indictment could hurt his chances in 2016 presidential campaign. According to my statistical model, the governor has nothing to worry about: Perry’s chances of becoming president had been zero before, and it’s still zero now.”

9) Rick Perry: “I am going to fight this injustice, and we will prevail! And unless the jury drops the charges of abuse of power immediately, I will call up the National Guard to burn down the court!”

10) Barack Obama: “I’m not yet familiar with this situation. All I have been told so far is that this is somehow my fault.”

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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65 Responses to 10 Reactions To Indictment Of Texas Governor Rick Perry

  1. Paul says:

    Bwahaha! Well done X. I especially like the Obama comment. Ha! Hilarious.

    Like

  2. Laura says:

    He has nothing to worry about, though. All he needs to do is defund the Texas judicial system.

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  3. #8 is so true. I don’t get why anyone would think he’d be a serious contender this time around. Republicans do have a history of nominating the second-place guy from the previous round of primaries (see: Romney, McCain, etc.) but that wasn’t Perry.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      They also have a history of nominating not too bright Texas governors, who still go on to win the election. And Perry looks more handsome than GWB, so I think he actually (and unfortunately) has a shot.

      Like

  4. Even Rick has to admit to himself that vetoing funds for a department that roots out corruption smells pretty fishy.

    You forgot about the reaction outside of Texas: hysterical laughter.

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  5. mhasegawa says:

    I almost stopped reading a #1, I was laughing so hard.

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  6. aFrankAngle says:

    What a fabulous list! I could hear Gov. Christie saying that … and Dewhurst’s comment came to mind before I got to the end … and Nate Silver’s comment is priceless and accurate.

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  7. I hope they still run Perry. It would not surprise me considering their choice of candidates last time. And the explanation “Look he just wanted to make sure that lady was like not driving drunk anymore and he’s totally better at finding corruption than anyone else, he said so! Now if only he’d gotten a bj in his office, THAT would clearly be criminal.” Also, look at that photogenic mugshot – smarmy self-righteous smile – he just looks like a presidential contender.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I’m pretty sure these people would somehow be able to rationalize a bj in the office if Perry got it. As for drunk-driving DA, while I don’t think she should have stayed in office, it appears there were two other DA who were caught drunk earlier during Perry’s tenure, with not a peep from governor’s office.

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      • Exactly. I had to check out more on the story and yeah, I agree, drunk driving is dangerous and in her case, politically stupid. But the fact that she was investigating a Cancer organization that was allegedly funneling money to Perry and his supporters and like you said just now decided to take action against a DA – yeah nothing suspicious there. He was just waiting for her to screw up for the opportunity. But she knew if she quit he’d just hire a Republican to help him block all the work she’d done. While I hate drunk driving, the idea of using a Cancer research center to fund business ventures makes me seriously ill. And now he’s using our taxpayer dollars to fund his defense.
        Yay.

        This was an interesting article: http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/25/opinion/moore-rick-perry-grand-jury/index.html

        It was one of the few that wasn’t on Perry’s side when I Googled it.

        Like

  8. Steve Ruis says:

    Brilliant! I couldn’t get past two responses: ho-hum and lack of surprise. #6 & #10 were perfect! (I’d give each a 10 out of 10, but that may be too many 10s or Xs.)

    Like

  9. Douglas E says:

    Sadly, 6 is way too close to the truth.

    Like

  10. Jim Wheeler says:

    This just in from

    11) Sarah Palin, talking head and fractional Alaska governor: “Rick is going to be the next president because he is taking charge of the threat to our nation’s southern (I think) border. For heaven’s sake, he can see Mexico from his front porch! Now that he has deployed the National Guard with their Mine Resistant Armored Vehicles and AR-15 automatic rifles, the invasion of diseased zombie children will be stopped in its tracks and the nation will see him for the hero he is. He is going to need some help in the oval office, though, so my people are talking to his people.”

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’ve never been much of a Journey fan anyway. Oh wait, wrong Perry.

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  12. If I had a top ten list of my favorite posts by you, this would be on it.

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  13. Twindaddy says:

    #10 FTW.

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  14. Oh Texas my Texas…this isn’t even satire.

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  15. Bill Carson says:

    Haha. #4: Somebody needs to put out an APB for Rick Perry, stat!

    Like

  16. kitchenmudge says:

    Most credible story on the subject that I’ve read so far.

    Like

  17. Elyse says:

    What is it about Texas pols and their mug shots …

    Like

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