10 Reactions To Supreme Court’s Legalization Of Same-Sex Marriage

Fox News might have done the celebratory rainbow filter as well, given a huge bump in the ratings the channel received immediately following the decision.

Fox News might have done the celebratory rainbow Facebook filter as well, given a huge bump in the ratings the channel received immediately following the decision.

This Friday, in a surprise 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage nationwide. This decision has been widely celebrated nationwide, on the streets and on social media, by LGBT activists and by divorce lawyers, and with White House, Disneyland, and many landmarks lit up in the rainbow colors for the occasion. On the right, the decision was met with assurances that this will lead to mandatory same-sex marriages for everyone, calls for secession and civil disobedience, and threats to move to Canada. Here are 10 of the reactions to the Court’s ruling.

1)  Fox News:  (Silence, then a series loud popping noises as if somebody’s head just exploded.)

2)  Luc Portelance, Director of Canada Border Services Agency: “We expect millions of Americans will now try to move to Canada, and therefore we must immediately erect a wall all along our border to defend our nation from the hordes of uneducated illegal immigrants from the south of the border, who will steal our jobs, and won’t respect our Canadian traditions like metric systems and legalized gay marriage.”

3)  Republican presidential candidates Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee: “We are outraged by this decision and we shall fight it! And to prove our determination, Mike and I have already signed a pledge in solidarity to defend the marriage from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part…. Ummm… Mike? Are you absolutely sure this is the right pledge?”

4)  Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia: “As I’ve written in my dissent on yesterday’s decision on Obamacare, words no longer have meaning, and therefore argle bargle argle bargle gargle margle bargle gay agenda argle bargle shmargle!”

5)  Todd Robertson, Mobile, Alabama: “My preacher said last week that gay marriage will lead to the total destruction of the country. Look, I didn’t believe it at first, but yesterday, my favorite mug fell and broke, then a lightbulb went out, and today I got a flat tire, so I reckon he’s right and the destructin’ has begun…”

6)  Richard Dawkins, atheist philosopher: “So same-sex marriage is legal, and Christian leaders declare that this will lead to to complete collapse of Christianity… So what’s the catch?”

7)  Adam Love, LBGT activist: “Honestly, this decision has put me in a very awkward position, because, I guess, thanks to this decision, I now have to look forward to my partner Steve with his inevitable let’s-chat-about-the-future talk any day now…”

8)  Chief Justice John Roberts: The court should not be even making any decisions on marriage, because marriage is not mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. So, upon further reflection, it became clear to me that every existing marriage is therefore unconstitutional and must immediately be dissolved.

9)  Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio host: No matter what the court thinks, the only true marriage is the marriage between a man and a woman, what you call a traditional marriage. It is the only valid marriage in God’s eyes. And I know that I have not merely followed the will of God, but I have far exceeded God’s expectation by already having had four traditional marriages!

10)  God: Hello? And who do you imagine allowed this decision to happen?… Now please excuse me, as there are dozens of Republican candidates waiting for me to call and tell them to run for president. Oh, and once I’m done, I just might put up some celebratory rainbow colors in the sky, too.

So, what was your reaction? Have Obama’s jack-booted thugs stopped by your house to assign you a mandatory same-sex spouse yet?

 

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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93 Responses to 10 Reactions To Supreme Court’s Legalization Of Same-Sex Marriage

  1. Paul says:

    As far as #2 is concerned – we prefer not to take the Republicans – they are on our “No Drive” list.. If you want though, you can send the Democrats and keep the Republicans there. And please don’t send Scalia,even though we are very polite, there is a limit – remember Vimy Ridge? we were upset that day too.

    Fun post X. Thank You.

    Like

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    Like

  3. Trent Lewin says:

    X, after reading this, I feel like proposing to you, on the assumption of course that you are indeed male (suspicions of robot origin aside – I am NOT anti-robot, by the way, I have watched Blade Runner like seventy times). Yup, Mr. Harper has already started erection of his wall to keep out the impending flood – I say let them come! Seriously, much ado about nothing, this is the way things are meant to be, I think, and one day we’ll look back and shake our heads or somepin. I hope everyone’s head at Fox news pops. Had occasion to watch that a bit ago, who are those three twits that do the morning piece (one girl, two guys)? They seem inordinately feckless. Like that Limbaugh guy, he seems rather rumpy (I think that’s a word).

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I don’t think it was s surprise ruling at all. I think they saw it coming down the road with lights blaring. “Largely” celebrated. Ha. Also derided in some backward-thinking quarters. Get behind history, idiots.

    Scalia was my favorite. Why do I love it so when he gets good and angry? That’s not very Christian of me.

    What really kind of pissed me off a bit was the day after, the New York Times featured an article about how gays were now lamenting the demise of their “outsider” status and bemoaning the fact that they’re becoming part of the mainstream. Really?! Behind every silver lining, there’s a dark cloud.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Well, it is kind of cool to have an outsider status and not be a part of the mainstream – that was all what hipster movement was about, up until they got sucked into the mainstream – ha!
      But I have a solution for these gays who want to feel special – they can move to any one of the states where they can still be legally fired for being gay. That should feel like being an outsider, won’t it?

      Like

  5. When you’re done evaluating his, can you also stop by mine and give me some suggestions about the content on site? Thank you.

    Like

  6. john zande says:

    I had a swarm of these gay canvassers pounding on my door all weekend trying to bring me over to their team. They were insistent, and even forceful, threatening me with all sorts of horrors. They said if I didn’t join them I’d suffer for an eternity. They demanded I become one of them and wouldn’t take no as an answer! It was horrible… Oh, wait… No…. they were evangelicals.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. shucks, I guess my marriage of 24 years just has to end.
    I read the decision and dissents. It’s been a while since I’ve seen such unprofessional whining and just bad arguments in dissents. Always a good sign when the dissents are nothing more than logical fallacies and personal attacks.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I don’t think your marriage has to end. You’ll just get an additional same-sex spouse (or spouses because these liberals won’t just stop at two-spouse relationships). And you may have to marry your pets, as well.

      Like

  8. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    Secretly in the wings, bakers and wedding planners drool for the money to be made. Now how to accomplish that without actually baking or planning is the question.

    Like

  9. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    This I have to share … If only!

    Like

  10. Steve Ruis says:

    Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh my gosh! I have been waiting for this list and now … uh … ahhhhhhh. If only #1 were true (if there were a god, it would have been) and #10 could only be so if all the conservatives truly believed which we know they do not (they only believe what theu believe and so have themselves as a god).

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I just don’t understand, when something like this happens, how do you even argue that this isn’t a part of God’s plan? He works in mysterious way, does he not? If a tragedy occurs, it’s God’s plan, but if gay marriage is legalized, it’s not?

      Like

  11. Elyse says:

    It means, as you pointed out yesterday, that I have to marry my dog, Duncan.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      You know, the great thing about having a canine spouse is that they are much less likely to leave a spouse than humans. Unfortunately, they also have very (and I mean, VERY) liberal approach to fidelity, and usually aren’t great conversationalists.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. susielindau says:

    Twitter blew up two minutes after the decision. I happy danced in my kitchen and made a few calls. I didn’t think to turn on Fox News. That would’ve been interesting…

    Like

  13. Someone on Facebook posted a message from God telling everyone to lighten up and accept gay marriage. I commented that I thought that much anti-homosexuality had originally come from one or two of His handbooks. I’ve only heard crickets since.

    Like

  14. Carrie Rubin says:

    Thanks to SCOTUS last week, I imagine there isn’t anyone at Fox whose head hasn’t exploded. But I’m sure they’ll still find a way to get their ‘fair and balanced’ words out…

    Funny as always!

    Like

  15. Jim Wheeler says:

    Funny stuff, X. Nicely done.

    But on a serious note, how many of us have actually thought about the concept of marriage, or at least the concept of having government’s imprimatur on it as a legal contract? Back in the day when the world was an agrarian economy, it made more sense. Families were units that produced needed farm hands while maintaining social and economic stability. But love? Nah. That exists regardless of any written document and a case can be made that too many unions are continued well past the point of common sense. And here in the 21st century, what sense does it really make to give a couple a tax break just because they signed a contract? What about family groups of siblings or other relatives, or just co-habitors? Seems to me the only rationale now is religious, and that’s something government should steer clear of. IMO.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      As I see it, this decision has nothing to do with love. No one was declaring being gay to be illegal (at least, not in the US), no one was stopping a gay couple from saying any commitment vows to each other, no one was forbidding same sex couples from living together. Anything actually related to love was already legal, as some dissenting Justices have pointed out in their opinions.
      But as you say, marriage is a contract between two people and a government, which provides certain benefits and protections to the couple in exchange for the couple promising to provide emotional and economic stability to each other and bring up children into new citizens. The list of these benefits and protections is long – social security, pensions, insurance, inheritance, medical decisions, taxes, and so on, and only a relationship recognized by the government as “marriage” gets all of that by default. (Although, in reality, some of these benefits can sometimes turn out to be disadvantages, like Social Security benefits, or means-tested government benefits, or “marriage tax penalty”.) In fact, since in the agrarian times few of these things even existed and those that did weren’t as regulated, there are probably more reasons for a relationship to be recognized as “marriage” now than it was back then. After all, a group of siblings or other extended family members can do farming just as effectively.

      Like

  16. georgiakevin says:

    The reaction to the decision is not surprising but the level of hypocrisy in the negative comments by the far right especially the religious right is astounding. The amazing thing to me is the person who has been married multiple times saying that same sex marriage goes against the teachings of the bible……………..wow.

    Like

  17. Glazed says:

    I got ten laughs out of this one. Thanks.

    Like

  18. rossmurray1 says:

    I have nothing to add.

    Like

  19. Vagina says:

    This is so good!! I wish I had something witty or smart to say here, but I don’t. You basically got it all correct!! But I will say that finally now that Gay marriage is legal, weddings might actually be fun to attend. Those gays know how to put on a party! WOOP!!!

    Like

  20. Number one; Maybe they were celebrating the decision… nah. Number two; Let’s see Ted Cruz try to get back to Canada through a wall of his own making. Number three; Has to be the Right pledge, after all…it came from the right! Number four; Especially if Mr. Scalia decides to speak like Dr. Seuss, and use real nonsense words. Number five; I vaguely recall reading about all those signs in the book of Revelation. Number six: And he concluded…”Where do I sign up to help the process along.” Number seven; That’s what happens when you get married. Number eight; He’s right… just like the separation of church and state, and may god bless America, as long as America does what we want them too. Number nine; But, only because of his hardheartedness… I think that’s in the Bible so it must be true. Number ten; Amen. X hit the spot! 😀

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Oh wow, you did a list of 10 comment on my post 🙂
      I don’t even know where to start responding here 🙂 But I sure don’t foresee Ted Cruz wanting to go back to Canada – after all, he’s had enough trouble already trying to get rid of his Canadian citizenship and a stigma of being born in the socialist hellhole named Canada in general.

      Like

  21. Priceless, or, in Scalia-speak, jiggery-blubber gdonsk.

    Like

  22. Gibber says:

    Bawahaha # 2 and not of the washroom variety. Canada defend anything Canadian?? What’s that mean?!

    Like

  23. God called Sarah, she wouldn’t take his call though.

    Like

  24. aFrankAngle says:

    Gotta love the collection. Tough to pic a fav, especially after your point with the Fox rainbow logo. I’ll add one … “The Supreme Court’s ruling is unconstitutional.” (Sarah Palin)

    Like

  25. Nurse Kelly says:

    Love your lists – they always make me laugh. Want to see how stats compare now on divorce rates between same sex and opposite sex couples – curious.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      My prediction is that the same sex divorce rates will be about the same, if not higher – imagine not being allowed to eat apples under any circumstances – you are allowed to touch, smell, but not eat; imagine fighting for years to be allowed to eat apples, then imagine finally being allowed to eat apples – your expectations for what apples are like are probably going to be pretty high at this point, so you’re more likely to be disappointed in them than someone for whom apples were never such a big deal. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nurse Kelly says:

        Great analogy. However the fruit has been eaten for quite some time now – just not “forbidden” in certain respects any longer, I guess you could say! Might see a surge in marriages and then see it fall off after a while as well. With the “me ethic” and growing ambivalence toward marriage in general, it will be interesting to see how marriage fares for everyone in the future.

        Like

  26. Canada really should build a wall… if the republitards start moving North…

    Like

  27. NW Luna says:

    Hah! “What’s the catch?” If only!

    Like

  28. pegoleg says:

    No, but that’s just because Obama’s jack-booted thugs are busy signing me up for extremely expensive health insurance that has a $6000 deductible. I’m sure my mail-order bride will be coming next.

    Like

  29. Does any of this apply to West Virginia?

    Like

  30. Pingback: Friday Nite Lite Up Your Ass: Because Religious Freedom  | Sky Dancing

  31. I was really excited when the Texas Attorney General told everyone they didn’t have to follow Federal law if it violated their conscience. I’m sure the Federal Government will feel the same way and let their conscience not put these people in jail faster than you can say “you moron”.

    I’m still waiting on my same-sex spouse. I’m hoping she’ll be better at the housework than I am.

    Like

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