We all constantly hear things like “growing the economy”, “preserving freedom”, “reduce the government”, from every political candidate of every party but some of those things may need a little explanation to a regular person. So here are the translations of 10 of most common election slogans and sound bites:
1) “Run the government like a business”: The government will be run with the intention to maximize the profits for the shareholders and owners of said government.
2) “America is going down the drain”: All that what this movement needs is a right man (or woman) to lead it.
3) “Creating jobs”: Hiring dozens of aides, assistants and advisers immediately after the election.
4) “Reducing the size of the government”: Laying off all of these aides, assistants and advisers. This will usually be followed by “Creating jobs” immediately thereafter.
5) “Bipartisanship”. Actively involving both political parties in the process by claiming credit for any success to your party and blaming the other party for all the failures. A form of “Bipartisanship”, called “Reaching Across the Aisle” means no longer taking any more of that gibberish from the opposing party congressman and actually making an effort to strangle him.
6) “Washington is broken”: Rallying cry of every politician eager to snatch a piece of it.
7) “Preserving the Freedom”: Enclosing and hiding the Freedom in a well-protected, unreachable and undisclosed location so that no one touches it with their dirty liberal (or teabagger) paws ever again.
8 ) “Closing the border”: Because it must always be done without increasing the government spending, it requires buying a “Closed” sign and hanging it on the border, thus only adding $7.99 to the national deficit.
9) “Growing the economy”: Works essentially like growing any plant: first digging a hole for whatever you want to grow (big hole for the economy – check!), covering it with fertilizer, such as manure (plenty of bullshit – check!) and waiting (doing nothing – check!). When nothing grows, add more bullshit or revert to “Bipartisanship”.
10) “Redistribution of wealth”: (This is the trickiest one) A financial transaction in which one person becomes richer and another person becomes poorer, which is, in effect, describes every financial transaction: for example, getting a paycheck makes employee richer and employer poorer, or selling something with profit makes a buyer poorer and seller richer. A non-“redistribution of wealth” transaction would be exchanging equal amounts of money, such as changing a dollar for 4 quarters. Therefore if “Redistribution of Wealth” completely stops, all profits disappear and all money loses its purpose, it would be… oh no….COMMUNISM!!!! But do not despair, you will still be allowed to break a dollar into 4 quarters, as long as none of the quarters are Canadian.