Earlier this week, county Judge Tom Head, of Lubbock county, Texas, gave an interview where he described the doomsday scenario that would befall the country if Barack Obama is re-elected. According to Judge Head, Barack Obama will hand over the sovereignty of the country to the United Nations, causing a civil war in the US followed by an invasion by the UN forces. However, to reassure the Americans, Judge Head had promised to repel the UN invasion of the homeland by personally stepping in front of UN’s armored personnel carriers. Even though Judge Head had later clarified that he was talking about a worst-case scenarios, he had been branded a lunatic, just because the idea of a civil war/UN invasion seems so unrealistic. However, this does not mean that we will be in the clear: here are 10 other scary consequences that could more realistically follow Barack Obama’s successful reelection.
1) Judge Head and many of his supporters will suspect any armored personnel carrier or tank on a road to be a part of a covert UN invasion, and will begin jumping in front of every APC or tank they see. As the number of such incidents involving US military vehicles will rise, the US military will be forced to equip each American tank or carrier by a set of outside airbags to avoid killing these brave patriots by accident. Burdened by these airbags which limit the tanks’ visibility and maneuverability, American fighting vehicles will no longer pose a threat to the ground forces of other countries, and America will lose its status as the top military power.
2) Rush Limbaugh will be so infuriated by the election outcome, and will spit so much into his microphone, that his excess saliva will short the electric circuit in his radio headquarters in Florida, causing large parts of Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana to lose electricity for weeks.
3) Every gun and every box of ammunition will be immediately swept off the shelf in every American gun shop by the gun owners worried that Obama will take away their guns. The resulting severe weapon and ammo shortages will nearly cut off the gun trafficking into Mexico. Left without sufficient firepower, Mexican narco-cartels will no longer have the muscle to fight both the Mexican army and each other. To survive, the cartels will have no choice but to join their forces into one mega-narco-cartel that will easily take control of the entire country.
4) Millions of angry Tea Partiers will buy tons of reams of paper and thousands of boxes of markers to make millions of protest signs. Shortages of paper supplies will immediately paralyze such crucial and paper-intensive industries such as law firms, newspapers, and junk mail distribution. Paper prices will rise, sending the Staples stock price through the roof, and Mitt Romney will take a lot of credit for that, too.
5) Speaking of Mitt Romney… He will have to continue paying the sky-high %14 rate on his taxes, and because he can’t afford paying so much in taxes, and was unable to land a job at the White House, he will file for unemployment benefits. Government subsidies to Mitt, his wife, their five sons, and their dressage horse, necessary to support their prior standard of living, will explode the federal deficit.
6) Alabama, Lousiana, and Mississippi will decide to secede from the Union in dissent. However, without any paper to write a letter on, and without the electricity to make a phone call or send an e-mail, they will not be able to notify the White House of their secession. They will be forced to remain in the USA and will continue to drag the country down with them.
7) Obamacare will not be repealed. American population, unable to avoid the mandatory health insurance, will become healthier and live longer. The increase longevity of Americans will deplete the Social Security fund decades earlier than anyone had expected. The Social Security benefits will have to be drastically reduced, and millions of healthy American seniors will die of starvation.
8) Hundreds of thousands of conservatives will move to Canada in protest. They will resume their holy war against abortion, gays, and government regulations on the Canadian soil, causing millions of distressed Canadians to seek shelter in the USA shortly thereafter. This enormous southward migration will cause overpopulation in the US while many Canadian towns and cities will become abandoned.
9) Billions of furious and elated posts on Facebook and Twitter will overload the servers of these companies, and these services will come offline for days for maintenance. Without these social networks, democratic opposition forces in Syria, Russia, and China will not be able to organize any actions against the tyrants and dictators, and arrival of real democracy to those countries will be set back by at least 20 years.
10) As a result of the server shutdown, Facebook share price will drop to nearly zero, and in a desperate effort to raise some quick revenue, Facebook will sell all your private photos to the highest bidder.
Don’t forget to predict your own worst-case scenario. Because Obama is currently leading in the polls, we need to be prepared for the worst.