Dramatization of the unmoderated 2044 presidential debates. Image source: city-connect.org
It seems that the level of intelligence in the political debate is deteriorating every year. If this tendency continues, the quality and substance of the debate will probably degenerate to the level of elementary school playground squabble. We are not quite there yet, but signs of childish name calling are getting unmistakably clearer by the year. So, in the anticipation of the Obama/Romney debates on October 3, we can try to imagine how the arguments in the presidential debates will look like in just a few years:
1) Can you please briefly outline your job creation record? “I created jobs.” “Well, I created lots of jobs!” “I created more jobs than you!” “No, I created more jobs than you!” “I created so many jobs that I had to hire other people to create jobs for me!”
2) Both of you have called your opponent out of touch. Can you please elaborate on that? “He is out of touch.” “No, you are out of touch!” “No, you are out of touch!” “You are far more out of touch!” “You are so far out of touch you don’t even know what out of touch means!” “Well, you are so far more out of touch that you can’t touch your own elbow with your tongue!” “So what, when I am President I will hire other people to touch my elbow with their tongues!”
3) In your opinion, how important is freedom? I love freedom! “I love freedom more!” “No, I love freedom more!” “I love freedom so much that I even give flowers to freedom!” “And I love freedom so much I just want to hug it and kiss it!” “Hey, you can’t be kissing my freedom! If I ever see you touching my freedom again I will kick your ass!”
4) What do you think the optimal size of the government should be? “I will cut the government.” “I will cut the government more!” “No, I will cut the government more than you!” “Well, I cut the government so deep, that I will be the only one running everything and there will be no one left in the government except for me!” “Well, I will cut the government more!” “How are you ever going to cut it even more if there is only the president left in it??” “I am going to pay people to not work in the government! And I will cut you too if you go near my freedom!”
5) What will be your proposal on lowering the crime rate? “l will be tough on crime.” “No, I will be tough on crime!” “I will be so tough on crime I will give death penalty to all murderers!” “Well, I will be more tougher and will give death penalty to all criminals!” “Well, I will be even more tougherer and will give death penalty to everyone, and if I see you go near my freedom, I’ll give you the death penalty too!”
6) What do you think of global warming? “Huh?” “What?” “Dude, next question!”
7) Do you think civility is important in the political debate? “Yeah, so I’m civil.” “Well, I am civil more!” “I am more civil than you!” “No, I am way more civil than you!” Well, my butt is more civil than you!” “Hey, dude, pull your pants up, I don’t wanna look at your ass!” “See, you’re less civil than my ass, cause you don’t wanna talk to my butt, and my butt is so civil it says ‘Hello’ to you!” “Dude!!!”
8) How would you ensure government transparency? “I will make government transparent!” “I will make government even more transparent!” “Well, I will make everyone work in the X-Ray machine so that every government employee is transparent!” “And I won’t hide anything from the American people! Nothing at all, check this out!” “Hey, dude, pull your pants up, I don’t wanna look at your ass!!!”
9) Both of you have called out your opponent for not caring about the poor.Would you care to comment? “I care about poor!” “No you don’t!” “Do too!” “Do not!” “I do, and when I see a poor person, I always tell them to get a job! Now you don’t care!” “I so care! I throw my garbage out to the street so that the poor can look for stuff to eat!”
10) What is your plan for health care reform? “I think people should just stop getting sick.” “Yeah, I agree, I’m sick of people getting sick all the time!” “Hey, why the hell did you agree with me? You’re not supposed to agree with people in debates!” “You know, I am sick of you telling me what I should do!” “If you’re so sick of me, maybe you should just die, cause you’re gonna see me a lot when I am president! Oh yeah, I think that will be my health care plan.”
Let’s just hope that the actual debates on Wednesday will differ from my prediction.
An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events.
(* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.)
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