NRA had put off all news conferences until December 21, 2012, apparently in hopes that the end of the world will save them from having to talk about gun control. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
In the aftermath of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, even NRA, the armed wing of the Republican Party, may finally concede that gun violence had became somewhat of a problem. So here are 10 suggestions from the NRA on how to reduce the gun violence.
1) “We agree that assault rifles have no place in the homes of private citizens. Therefore, we propose to eliminate all assault rifles in the United States by re-branding them as ‘high-efficiency personal protection devices’.”
2) “To prevent future tragedies in schools, we must arm the teachers. Every parent should be perfectly content with leaving their child in care of an overworked, underpaid, over-stressed, and armed to the teeth adult.”
3) “Next, arm the students. If the teachers are armed, someone needs to keep these union thugs in check.”
4) “Finally, put armed security guards in every classroom, because the security of students is absolutely vital. However, since the funding for education is limited and we must contain costs, we propose to get rid of the teachers altogether. We firmly believe that he only things that children need to learn to succeed in life are the Bible and the 2nd Amendment (except for the ‘well-regulated’ part of it). Any left-over funding should be spent on surrounding the school with barbed wire fences and installing iron bars on the windows.”
5) “In general, every responsible law-abiding citizen should be allowed to bear firearms anywhere they want. Just imagine the safety that would ensue during a Black Friday storming of a Walmart by a mob where everyone is carrying a gun.”
6) “As Governor Mike Huckabee had explained, the country can avoid tragedies like Sandy Hook by bringing God back into the classroom. We completely agree with Governor. Not only must we bring God back, but we should also arm him and train him to use a firearm.”
7) “We support the public sentiment about conducting mandatory criminal checks on all prospective firearm buyers. We believe that our highly-trained gun store owners are capable of conducting these checks and accurately determine whether a buyer is a criminal just by looking at him.”
8) “Because no law-abiding citizen should ever be over-matched by criminals in the level of firepower they possess, it is important that the government stop infringing on our right to bear arms by not allowing responsible private citizens acquire and keep nuclear and chemical weapons.”
9) “The public must not shift the blame onto the responsible gun owners and should not go on a witch hunt against them. However, should the public actually decide to go on a witch hunt, there are a few excellent hunting rifles our organization would be happy to recommend.”
10) “Finally, the nation should establish a 48-hours waiting period and background checks for anyone wishing to advocate gun control in the aftermath of any mass shooting.”
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Hey, witchhunting was outlawed a long time ago X.
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Huh, really… And I had big plans for the weekend…
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spit-takes, hoots, and guffaws, sir! A fine list!
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Thank you, and particularly for teaching me so many synonyms to “laughing”.
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Posted to facebook, noting that after hearing the NRA press conference, your post is closer to being accurate than satirical!
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You know, I was ready to post this yesterday, but knowing that NRA is holding a major (and first since Sandy Hook) press-conference today, I’ve decided to wait for it to be over on the off chance that NRA does propose something besides their usual “more guns for everyone” talk. Well, I did not even have to change a word.
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I’m just impressed that the NRA haven’t yet challenged gun-control advocates to a duel.
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Wow, that would have been a great idea. But you know, they are NRA, not MENSA.
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Indeed, a very very fine list!
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Thank you!
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Awesome!
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Thank you!
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“…must keep those union thugs in line” LOL!
Great list.
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Judging by the actual press conference, you deserve a consultation fee. Great list!
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Thank you! Yes, judging by the actual press-conference, NRA is definitely in need of people to do some thinking for them.
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I am all for cutting the excessive costs associated with education by giving the armed guards a teaching certificate and sending the teachers to work in gun stores.
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Those armed guards won’t need certificates. The only things those kids really need to know is how to use the gun. Once they can use a gun, they could get everything they need.
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Why don`t they support having gun smithing classes and shooting ranges at schools
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I don’t think NRA would support gun-smithing classes. After all, having people fix and even make their own guns could cut into gun industry profits.
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