As you may have learned from the news, the Obama Administration and Congressional Republicans have reached a deal to avert the so-called fiscal cliff. The deal raised some taxes, cut some spending, and had not addressed the debt ceiling that would have to be raised so that the country could borrow the money it already decided how to spend. Here are some of the lesser-known parts in the fiscal cliff deal.
1) The pay for every member of Congress will now be doubled, because while the Congressmen used to be responsible for solving various crises, they have recently taken up the task of creating these crises as well.
2) To cut costs., the U.S. Postal Service will stop delivering mail on Saturdays. Starting next week, postal carriers will wander aimlessly on Saturdays without actually delivering anything.
3) The deal will establish a nationwide vital record request fee. This measure is expected to generate up to $10 billion a year just from requests to see Barack Obama’s birth certificate.
4) In order to save on costs of running the Capitol and congressional offices, the official work schedule of Congress will change so that any actual work will begin 1 hour prior to whatever random self-imposed deadline Congress had previously set, continue for 72 hours of patting themselves on the backs for successfully moving the deadline forward, and then recess until 1 hour before the next deadline.
5) Because Big Bird costs taxpayers millions of dollars every year, all funding for Big Bird will be eliminated and Big Bird hunting licences will be sold for $100.
6) A small package of high-priority Hurricane Sandy relief aid has been included in the debt ceiling deal. This aid will be directed where it is needed the most: into rebuilding the Dow Jones Index and restoring the Goldman Sachs annual bonuses.
7) As a part of the deal, Congress had raised debt ceiling by $214.55 to pay for 22 large Domino’s pizzas the Congressmen have ordered while they have been discussing raising the debt ceiling. The question on how much to give the pizza guy as a tip will be brought up for a vote in front of the full session next Thursday.
8) Although the deal required those individuals making $400K or more to pay higher taxes, another provision will provide a federal subsidy to the same individuals to help them pay these unbearably high taxes.
9) Because War on Drugs has cost the nation hundreds of billions, it will be declared to be over and a ceasefire will be established. Willie Nelson, as the official representative of the side of drugs, will negotiate for the release of POW’s.
10) The deal reinforced the President Obama’s firm position that he will not negotiate with Republicans on raising the debt ceiling. Instead, Obama will give the Republicans whatever they ask for.
Your post is a hoot.
Your vision needs to be questioned, though? What makes you limit the restoration of bonuses to Goldman? Ignoring deserving candidates like Enron, Bank of America, et al smacks of deep-set prejudices. Well done!!
Since Enron no longer exists, it would be hard to restore their bonuses. But I am sure Bank of America and other deserving candidates need not worry.
I’m impressed that they managed to reach an agreement on pizza toppings.
Well, they did have to include a few billion dollar earmark projects to a few Senators so that they wouldn’t filibuster pepperoni.
Quite a few Goldman Sachs execs own vacation homes which were damaged by Sandy. These people will receive two checks.
Three checks: you forget the yacht.
If you don’t already write for The Onion you should!
Thank you, but with my inability to concentrate on one idea I find it difficult to write something longer than a series of one-liners.
Your congressional salary suggestion was first rate!
Thank you! I am sure the congressmen have already considered my idea to increase their first rate salaries.