10 Reasons Why Conservatives Are Against Water

Is the glass half empty or half full? The pess...

An optimist would see this glass as half full, while a conservative would see this as a nanny state dictating how Americans should live their lives. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week, the First Lady Michelle Obama rolled out “Drink Up”, a new public health campaign aimed to convince Americans to drink just one more glass of water a day, and it didn’t take long for conservatives, most prominently Rush Limbaugh, to criticize Michelle Obama for promoting water.  And, of course, all this criticism was absolutely not because conservatives reflexively oppose any idea might be suggested by anyone named “Obama”.  No, there are, in fact, many perfectly legitimate reasons for conservatives to hate water.  Here are 10 of them.

1)  Water is a primary ingredient of most liberals, making up 60% of an average liberal by weight.  (This is not true for conservatives, who are composed of 60% Bible and 40% Constitution.)

2)  Water is a weapon of terrorism.  According to the TSA, a bottle of water can take out an entire airplane.

3)  Water is a slippery slope to… Well, any slope becomes slippery once you add water on it.

4)  Talking about more water can lead to talking about rising sea levels, and talking about sea levels leads to discussion of global warming.

5)  That lazy liquid couldn’t take get off its ass to finish encircling the southern border of the United States, and left a long land border with Mexico which illegal Mexican immigrants can easily cross.

6)  Water is one of the pillars of the much maligned metric system – water’s freezing point and melting point is the basis for Centigrade temperature scale, and kilogramm was defined in the 18th century as the weight of one liter of water at the temperature of melting ice. (Those damned 18th century liberals with their global warming again!)

7)  Water refuses stand its ground, and if you drop your gun into in, water will take away your gun.

8)  Tap water, pumped, filtered and delivered by your local municipal water company, serves as another unwelcome reminder that a government can do its job just as well as a private business.

9)  According to the theory of evolution, first living organisms appeared in water, not the Garden of Eden.

10)  And the scariest of all: chemical formula of water is “H2O”.  Barack Obama’s initials: “BHO”.  Moreover, “B” is the 2nd letter of the alphabet.  Coincidence?  I think not.


About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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60 Responses to 10 Reasons Why Conservatives Are Against Water

  1. Jennie Saia says:

    “Water will take away your gun.” This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Just perfect.


  2. Jennifer says:

    ~lol~ love number 10. There’s something in that, we better watch out.


  3. Reblogged this on Semi-Partisan Sam and commented:
    The humour blog List of X has an amusing commentary on the conservative backlash against the First Lady Michelle Obama’s attempts to encourage the US population to drink more water for the benefit of their health. Because the dang government has no place telling us what to eat and drink, even if it does prevent us from ballooning to 300 pounds in weight and needing an electric scooter to help us with our weekly Wal-Mart shop…


    • List of X says:

      Thank you for the re-blog! Of course, it’s an outrage that Obama administration would try to prevent people from getting fat – that would cut into profits of McDonalds, Wal-mart, and whoever makes these scooters.


  4. Don’t forget, if you drop your gun in water and it freezes it is totally useless for hours. What next?

    I love #5


  5. Go Jules Go says:

    I refuse to even try to leave a clever comment because this post was so insanely, perfectly clever. Seriously. My favorite list yet. (And that’s saying something!)

    #4 killed me.


  6. stephenpruis says:

    Absolutely effing brilliant. I started laughing with #1 and continued through the list. Brilliant!


  7. Ape No. 1 says:

    Haha! I was laughing straight out of the starting gates with #1.

    Technically Michelle’s advice is showing care for other’s health and apparently that is not a popular thing amongst some circles.


  8. Carrie Rubin says:

    Wasn’t the backlash against Michelle Obama over that ridiculous? Should make one thump their head, no matter where they fall on the political spectrum.

    Loved these! Especially #5 and #7. Very clever. 🙂


  9. That’s my favorite slippery slope argument ever.


  10. I know, right? Water is so overrated.


  11. Sherry says:

    I keep saying that nothing ever surprises me anymore. Trouble is I keep saying it.


    • List of X says:

      …and they keep surprising you? But that’s not necessarily a bad thing – as long as we still have the ability to get surprised, our brains remain young. So we should thank Bachmann, Gohmert, Cruz, etc., for keeping us in shape.


  12. Elyse says:

    What? You said that conservatives are “composed of 60% Bible and 40% Constitution” — and all the while I thought they were sugar and spice and everything nice. I’m going to have to rethink my political leanings now.


    • List of X says:

      It could well be “sugar and spice and everything nice”: sugar causes diabetes, spice can cause hypertension, and I bet “everything nice” has to be according to the Old Testament definitions.


  13. Laura says:

    It really is a slippery slope. Today she’s telling us to drink water; it’s just a matter of time until she tells us to breathe air.


  14. EagleAye says:

    Love it, Love it! Conservatives really are suckers, apparently. I think conservatives should just boycott water. I mean never drink it again. That’ll teach those nasty ol’ liberals!

    Some more reasons: The US enemies Iran and N. Korea are near water, so we should avoid it. Water has been closely linked with DHMO, a toxic substance: http://www.dhmo.org/truth/


    • List of X says:

      This Dihydrogen Monoxide sounds like something that liberals should be afraid of. (and yes, I know what it is, and remember E-mails and Youtube clips asking people to ban it 🙂


      • EagleAye says:

        I remember when a friend first showed it to me. So hilarious. The MSDS really gives it away. Apparently a city in California banned styrofoam cups because DHMO was used in it’s production. They later had to face the embarrassment.


  15. rossmurray1 says:

    #1. This whole thing is dynamite, but #1. Hoo-ha!
    “These pretzels are making me thirsty!”


  16. Freakin’ BRILLIANT! Those damn water-liberal drink-it-alls


  17. The Hook says:

    Actually, it is a running joke at the Bell Desk that I hate to drink water, but I love this post! Your insights are brilliant and I only wish politicians everywhere were forced to view them daily.
    What a world that would be….


    • List of X says:

      Thanks, Robert. It would be great if all politicians had to read my blog daily (the stats would be through the roof!), but I’d settle for them actually doing their jobs. But, I guess, that was too much to ask.


  18. John says:

    Just wanted to go over a few things concerning the following and put my two cents worth in: Reference: “. . .1) Water is a primary ingredient of most liberals, making up 60% of an average liberal by weight. (This is not true for conservatives, who are composed of 60% Bible and 40% Constitution.) – – – I wanted to say I think Conservatives are composed of equal parts of Bible, Constitution, Alcohol – -(Read: “Cheap Beer) – – and Bull Manure.


  19. Amaya says:

    If you drink water, you’ve caved to the liberals. Drink more beer, I say, which has water in it, but is fortified against liberalism with hops. Plus, you get drunk. All around win.


    • List of X says:

      You may be able to avoid drinking water, but what about personal hygiene, showers, beaches, watering plants? Water has us by the throat, especially when we are taking a bath.


  20. Sign Here Pls... says:

    I will never look at water the same way again…ever!


  21. How did I miss this one? Hahaha. 60 percent Bible, 40 percent Constitution, yup, perfect.


  22. Pingback: Feature Friday: List of X | Stuphblog

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