Last week, the First Lady Michelle Obama rolled out “Drink Up”, a new public health campaign aimed to convince Americans to drink just one more glass of water a day, and it didn’t take long for conservatives, most prominently Rush Limbaugh, to criticize Michelle Obama for promoting water. And, of course, all this criticism was absolutely not because conservatives reflexively oppose any idea might be suggested by anyone named “Obama”. No, there are, in fact, many perfectly legitimate reasons for conservatives to hate water. Here are 10 of them.
1) Water is a primary ingredient of most liberals, making up 60% of an average liberal by weight. (This is not true for conservatives, who are composed of 60% Bible and 40% Constitution.)
2) Water is a weapon of terrorism. According to the TSA, a bottle of water can take out an entire airplane.
3) Water is a slippery slope to… Well, any slope becomes slippery once you add water on it.
4) Talking about more water can lead to talking about rising sea levels, and talking about sea levels leads to discussion of global warming.
5) That lazy liquid couldn’t take get off its ass to finish encircling the southern border of the United States, and left a long land border with Mexico which illegal Mexican immigrants can easily cross.
6) Water is one of the pillars of the much maligned metric system – water’s freezing point and melting point is the basis for Centigrade temperature scale, and kilogramm was defined in the 18th century as the weight of one liter of water at the temperature of melting ice. (Those damned 18th century liberals with their global warming again!)
7) Water refuses stand its ground, and if you drop your gun into in, water will take away your gun.
8) Tap water, pumped, filtered and delivered by your local municipal water company, serves as another unwelcome reminder that a government can do its job just as well as a private business.
9) According to the theory of evolution, first living organisms appeared in water, not the Garden of Eden.
10) And the scariest of all: chemical formula of water is “H2O”. Barack Obama’s initials: “BHO”. Moreover, “B” is the 2nd letter of the alphabet. Coincidence? I think not.