10 Republican Demands For Not Shutting Down The Government

English: This is my picture of a closed sign. ...

In anticipation of the shutdown, the “Closed” signs are now trading 85% higher on the New York Stock And Door Sign Exchange (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This Tuesday, October 1, 2013, is the deadline for Congress to approve a resolution to fund the government, and to prevent its shutdown.  This is something which is absolutely has to get done in order to allow many governmental agencies to continue functioning, which is why the House Republicans took this opportunity to demand some very minor concessions from Obama administration in order not to shut down the government.  And these are really, really minor and reasonable things, which Democrats should easily agree to – unless they want something bad to happen to their precious government.  The list of demands is actually very long, so, here are just 10 of the things Republicans want from Obama before they would let the government function.

1)  150,000 pages of paper to print out the full list of demands.

2)  A second-born child of every Democratic Senator and Representative.  But not the first-born, because that would be unreasonable.

3)  A $1 Trillion corporate tax cut, in unmarked non-sequential bills.

4)  Allow more drilling on the federal land:  The plan is to drill holes along Mason-Dixon line, then detach the South along the perforation to create an independent Obamacare-free sovereign country.

5)  Means-testing for Medicare:  Verify applicants’ incomes and to make sure that Medicare will covers just the top 1%, whose income prove that they worked hard to create jobs.

6)  Ban on all late-term abortions, with “Late-term pregnancy” being defined as any pregnancy that lasted longer than 20 seconds.

7)  Voting reform: because deciding for whom to vote is an important choice, just as choosing whether to have a child, any woman who shows up to cast a vote on the day of the election must undergo a mandatory transvaginal ultrasound, and then required to take a 72-hour waiting period before being able to get a ballot.

8)  Obama’s impeachment over Benghazi – because the president bears full responsibility for everything that happened during his term in the office, well, except for ending the war in Iraq, killing bin Laden, and saving General Motors.

9)  Obama’s impeachment over the IRS scandal.  Since being impeached over Benghazi makes it impossible to impeach Obama over the IRS Scandal, the House Republicans would agree to hold a special presidential election, which Obama will most likely win, so that then the House could impeach him over the IRS scandal.

10)  Partial repeal of the Clean Air Act: Most of the act will remain in force, and the repeal will only impact the parts of law with the word “Clean”.

I did not have time to read the full list of Republican conditions, so it may have included something about sharing this post with all your Facebook friends and Twitter followers.

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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57 Responses to 10 Republican Demands For Not Shutting Down The Government

  1. jrosenberry1 says:

    Brilliant! If the consequences weren’t so terrible I’d laugh. 😥


  2. mhasegawa says:

    I love number 7. I said the other day to my husband that I bet the Republicans would feel a lot better if women’s right to vote could be repealed.


  3. Elyse says:

    Perfect. I especially like the idea of impeaching Obama twice. But I can’t believe that they aren’t demanding that Obama divorce Michelle.


  4. Beyond perfection! Two times impeached, I think some of the Right would need condoms to prevents stains on their underwear. I can’t choose, they are all so good.


  5. stephenpruis says:

    #4 is effing brilliant, I say! Effing brilliant!


  6. Pingback: Come 2014, the government’s damaged brand will reflect poorly on president and his party | pundit from another planet

  7. Carrie Rubin says:

    Yep. These seem about right. I was trying to figure out why I have a sour taste in my mouth all the time. And then I realized it’s because I’m still reading the paper and watching the news. Icky.


  8. Sherry says:

    to the hard right, these are indeed quite reasonable. That my dear is the rub.


    • List of X says:

      What is “Reasonable” can be very subjective, so agree with you on that. But for Tea Party, it’s actually not about what’s “reasonable” or not – it’s about “principles”.


  9. bernasvibe says:

    I knew you’d write on this..Just knew it..#9 is my fave..Why? Because with the insane & selfish & temper tantrum’ish crap they’re pulling now; I could see the repugnants doing something that wild & illogical. I’m so wrapped up in this whole threat of a shut down thing..The truly sad part? Innocent & income-less Americans(outside of their government check) are going to suffer IF they don’t seal this deal tonight..Even worse? Even with a shut down Obamacare IS going into effect. The funding is already secured for that..Only 3 words can describe these clowns that know that is factual. DUMB. RICH. FOOLS..They can afford to play games with other folks lives..Shameful how this makes our country look; again.


    • List of X says:

      It’s really the same “insane & selfish & temper tantrum’ish crap” they have been pulling since January 2009, so it’s probably was just a matter of time before it happened. And it’s probably only a matter of time before business community (about whose interests GOP supposedly cares so much) pushes GOP to reconsider: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/30/chamber-of-commerce-government-shutdown_n_4018959.html
      Sure, elected Republicans are afraid to lose their to the nutjobs to the right of them if they appear to be collaborating with Obama, so even if they don’t want the shutdown they are still forced to behave as if they support it – but the major donors can always find more agreeable candidates to fund, and they will make it clear to the members of Congress.
      As for DUMB. RICH. FOOLS – I get why rich people would want to vote Republican, But for the rest of them, lack of education is definitely a factor: guess where the red states are in the list of the most and least educated states: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_U.S._states_by_educational_attainment
      And, of course, the good old racism is also an important factor – even in an all-white election, the perception that “Democrats only win because they give handouts to the ghetto folk” is still going to matter to a lot of people.


  10. This would be even funnier without the fact that they do want all that stuff.


  11. lexborgia says:

    You’ve outdone yourself this time, the entire list is the hammer. From #6 down my stomach almost gave out from laughing. Excellent. Bravo.


  12. CubicleViews says:

    4 and 9. Just brilliant.


  13. EagleAye says:

    Brilliant as always. Every one of these is my favorite.


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