10 Features Of Facebook-Owned Apartments

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Do not be surprised if random people will keep writing on your walls. It’s a feature, not a bug.  Oh yeah, there will be plenty of bugs, too. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Facebook, Inc., the social company company that that brought us the famous social network, has decided to take care of their employees, and is building a Facebook-owned apartment building to house its employees.  The housing will have 394 units, which is, incidentally, about the same as the average number of Facebook friends.  If these Facebook apartments will be anything like our Facebook accounts, here are 10 things future tenants should expect from these apartments.

1)  You’ll need log in and password to get into this apartment.  If you forget your password, you’ll have to move out.

2)  The peephole on the door will be installed in the opposite direction to give a better view of what’s going on inside your apartment.

3)  Your children’s playroom will be programmed to fulfill 40% of your parental duties by taking photos of your playing child every 15 seconds and post it to Facebook with randomly generated captions like: “Awwww…”, “My baby is so cute!”, “Look at him/her!”, “Adorable!”.

4)  If you leave for vacation, but haven’t posted your vacation pictures in a while, the house will automatically post the status “On vacation!  House empty. Pics coming soon.”

5)  Standard landlord’s response to your question when the plumbing is going to get fixed will be “It’s complicated”.

6)  Once every few months, the management will upgrade the apartment, which could mean that one of your favorite rooms will disappear, or shower may be merged with your closet. This will be done to “enhance your renting experience”, and every time it will be a surprise.

7)  The bedroom will automatically change your relationship status to match what’s you are doing inside it and with whom.  It will change to “It’s complicated” when the landlord has to go inside for an inspection.

8)  By default, all the outside walls will be made of glass.  You’ll need to spend hours figuring out the privacy settings just to install blinds on your window.

9)  Your kitchen will be stocked with Spam, and will post the photos of your food in every step of food preparation and consumption: in the refrigerator, on the stove, on the plate, and in the bathroom.

10)  Your teenage children will not be happy that they share the same apartment with their uncool parents, and will keep trying to run away from home into hipper and trendier Tumblr and SnapChat apartments.

Automatically generated personal note: “On vacation. House empty. Responses to comments coming soon.”

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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74 Responses to 10 Features Of Facebook-Owned Apartments

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    I heard about this. My friends thinks it is awesome. Me? No, just no, for more than 10 reasons.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I think it’s a good idea for a company to offer a convenient housing to employees. But then it gets awkward after the employee is fired from the company and has to stay in the apartment at least until the lease is up.

      Like

      • bernasvibe says:

        Exactly! That could be very sticky indeed..Or? Mayhaps an immediate eviction notice..Who knows? It is anybody’s guess what will become of this..I agree with the earlier post@ I prefer my residence to be separate from work..I dig my privacy, alot. (although there are a select ‘few’ from work I socialize with) I’m not a big fan of FB. My facebook account/activity is for the sole purpose of moderating my department’s page..I don’t chat nor socialize on FB..Prefer real live face to face and voice to voice interactions..

        Like

        • List of X says:

          These apartments are supposed to be really nice, with doggy day care and a swimming pool, and possibly other perks for FB employees. But mainly there would be a short commute to work, which is a luxury I personally don’t have.
          I suppose having to use FB for work takes all the fun out of having a personal FB account… 🙂

          Like

          • bernasvibe says:

            I also work for an government organization which builds new housing as well as manages residential properties all over the city and county…I’ve no clue how many of our employees reside in them though; I only know I’m not one of them..Luckily for me my commute to work is far less distance than when I was in Cali..What I don’t care for here is the traffic! Apparently the allure of a lower cost of living and no state tax(and the awesome year-round sunshine & beaches) , has attracted far more than just senior citizens to Florida. As for FB? I’ve been on the Net since the days of ICQ & MySpace; and I wasn’t big on those either..Social networking is something I do well; but for me, can never take the place of face-to-face interactions..It has good uses, but none that substitute the real thing..Anyways, if I don’t run into you before Christmas I’m wishing you & yours a very beautiful holiday season full of love, love , love!

            Like

  2. Ape No. 1 says:

    I just came here to see if you were interested in a game of Candy Crush…

    Like

  3. Jennifer says:

    Love it. Makes the whole FB thing look a little ridiculous but still we crave more. One way to live a more exciting life.

    Like

  4. CB says:

    Why would you want to live in a community of your coworkers? Not me, no thanks.

    Like

  5. Twindaddy says:

    I certainly wouldn’t want to live anywhere near the people I work with…

    Like

  6. Ankur Mithal says:

    and if you Like anyone who lives in your house or outside it, an LCD screen will drop-down and play the rest of that person’s life out for your eyes, whether that person knows it or not. Very informative post.

    Like

  7. Ha, both hilarious and insightful, as always.

    Like

  8. mcnorman says:

    Hilarious is right. Thanks for the great morning laugh. Please forewarn so that I don’t drink and read at the same time. I really hate killing keyboards.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you. I actually took your advice from sometime ago and I put the warning about drinking and reading into one of my blog header images. So now there is at least 1 out of 10 chance you’ll get warned. 🙂

      Like

  9. Carrie Rubin says:

    This is so clever! You’ve captured my feelings about FB perfectly, especially #6.

    I’m on the site because I feel I should be, but I spend more time confused about it than clear.

    Like

  10. Great viewpoint!. Can’t wait to share it on my FB page!

    Like

  11. Vagina says:

    There may also be randomly selected units that have to do things like farm and grow corn.

    Like

  12. Douglas E says:

    The only thing that I would add is “Instagram” to number 10 – the young ‘uns flock to wherever they think the old fogies aren’t.

    Like

  13. Ha… that comment above me says: ‘Vagina says’ That was worth the price of admission right there.
    So, and I mean this with all respect, I notice that you are always making fun of stuff we all make fun of. I offer this challenge: Spend a week making fun of Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Mickey Mouse, and that girl from Friends that was America’s sweetheart that nobody ever says anything bad about… I just want to see what happens…

    Like

  14. Sherry says:

    sounds remarkably like Brave New World….lol

    Like

  15. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    At the first mention of political party, visitors will immediately leave and you can’t find them.

    Like

  16. Mal Content says:

    I can just imagine the tenants saying: “That’s it, I’m so over Facebook Apartments. I’m moving out and never coming back.” And then moving back in three days later.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I can totally see that happening. Only in these apartments, the space would be limited, and by the time these drama queens decide to come back, the apartment would be already occupied. I wish real Facebook was like that.

      Like

  17. PsiFiGal says:

    Hilarious! I also learned a few things about FB I didn’t know from this post, thanks. I just joined FB recently so I could keep up with my family, I never know what anyone is doing, I’m always the last to know, but now I’m a bit more up to date. This new building will have doggy day care, now that’s pretty cool.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you! FB is really useful for keeping track which friends and family members have children, when are their birthday, where they went for vacation – and all that without actually having to talk to them.

      Like

  18. Amaya says:

    Bathrooms are equipped with selfie cameras, to snap a quick duckface photo or a shot of chiseled abs in a bath towel (my favorite).

    Like

  19. Elyse says:

    Hey, this could make living like one long office party! And you know how fun those usually are!

    Like

  20. Sunrie says:

    Wikipedia is the source of your image, just a link to the image. Wikipedia did not make the logo, it is a trademark of Facebook. So the source is actually Facebook, or at least the parent company of Facebook.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      You are probably correct that the logo was created by Facebook or its parent company, Mark Zuckerberg. However, I used the image and attribution to Wikipedia as provided by WordPress’ Zemanta image lookup, so I’ll forward the blame to them.

      Like

  21. No, just no for a million and one reasons. I think are historical reasons, fuedal kingdoms come to mind. Sharecropper comes to mind. There are a few others, but overall just no.

    This was terribly clever though and fits perfectly the entire FB experience.

    Like

  22. EagleAye says:

    Oh yeah, and if you have an argument with any of your neighbors, the entire building will be notified with a full transcript of the discussion and hideous photos of each of you.

    Like

  23. The Hook says:

    Facebook-Owned Apartments?
    Is Zuckerberg building his own master race?

    Like

  24. Brilliant, funny and scary post. Three of my favorite things.

    I would pay big money to live in a WordPress apartment complex. Of course, they’d have to hire me to work for them first. But a girl can dream.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you! I’m not sure I want to work for WordPress or live in a WordPress house – I spend way too much time on WordPress already. But maybe it’s just my male fear of commitment talking.

      Like

  25. Katie says:

    Average number of friends is 394…? I’ve never felt so inadequate.

    Like

  26. Aussa Lorens says:

    That’s just downright creepy, who wants to live in a place with all their coworkers… sounds like a posh work camp. But they should have invisibility cloaks a la the amazing facebook feature that allows you to be “friends” with people but block them from ever actually seeing anything.

    Like

  27. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Ha ha – this is great! Love it!! Crazy imagination, creepy for sure!

    Like

  28. Fred Fingery says:

    Haha, great list. Number 2 is right on the money. In fact, I’m having my door’s peephole reinstalled ASAP. I want my neighbors constantly up-to-date regarding what I’m accomplishing in here. For instance, I just bought a new divan…

    Like

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