10 Celebrities Who Will Be Affected By Cuts In Unemployment Benefits

English: President George W. Bush delivers his...

The photo above shows 535 people, most of whom should really be unemployed instead. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week, Congress failed to extend the long-term unemployment benefits, and as a result, 1.3 million people have lost their unemployment benefits on December 28. By the end of 2014, this number is expected to grow to 5 million.  The major news networks haven’t been paying much attention to this story, possibly because they don’t think this law affect anyone worth mentioning.  However, the media should really start paying attention, because there are many famous people who had lost their jobs in the past year and will likely be unemployed for a very, very long time.  Here are 10 celebrities who lost their jobs in 2013 and may lose their unemployment benefits as well.

1)  Sarah Palin, fired from Fox News: considering that her only marketable job skill was being able to proclaim incoherent rambling nonsense at will, she made a job-killing mistake by providing exactly the same service on her Facebook and Twitter accounts for free.

2)  UPS executive in charge of holiday season shipping: fired when thousands of UPS customers did not get their guaranteed deliveries by Christmas.  UPS has already sent a pink slip to the executive, but there is no word on when it will ever arrive.

3)  Justin Bieber: Now that he announced his retirement from music, he’ll be just another unemployed teen with a lot of attitude and barely a school diploma. (Update: Justin is now saying that his announcement was a joke, which indicates that he’s not going make it as a comedian either.)

4)  Mitt Romney:  Failed to get a job at his last serious interview in November 2012: a black guy got the job instead, undoubtedly because of the affirmative action.  Romney tried to leverage his flip-flopping skills into flipping burgers, but he flipped them so fast that the meat patties barely touched the grill and never warmed up.

5)  Miley Cyrus’s plastic surgeon:  In early 2013 he attempted a tongue reconstruction surgery to keep Ms. Cyrus’ tongue from falling out of her mouth every five second. However, as Miley’s famous Video Music Awards performance made it painfully clear, the procedure was a dismal failure. Not only that, but the side effects from the sedative used during the surgery still cause Ms. Cyrus to break into uncontrollable twerking fits.

6)  The guy who hired Edward Snowden to work for the NSA:  At least he was able to keep his own name secret – but that’s pretty much the only piece of information with which he entrusted Snowden, that still hasn’t been leaked out yet.

7)  Phil Robertson’s PR agent: fired for constantly reminding the Duck Dynasty star to keep his gay-bashing and racist opinions to himself, when doing just the opposite turned out to be the best thing ever for the show’s merchandise.  (Mr. Robertson was also disappointed to learn that “PR” on his agent’s business card stands for “Public Relations”, not “Phil Robertson”.)

8)  Chief technology executive behind the Obamacare website:  The good news is that he no longer needs to have a job to obtain affordable health insurance. The bad news is that he is still trying to log into the website where he is supposed to file for unemployment.

9)  Anthony Weiner: After his failure as a politician, he tried out for career as a porn star, but was fired when it turned out he couldn’t fulfill any of the promises he made during his sexting campaign.

10)  Pope Benedict: It’s never a good idea to tell your employer to take this job and shove it, but it’s hundred times worse if your employer is God himself.

Have a Happy New Year!

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

57 Responses to 10 Celebrities Who Will Be Affected By Cuts In Unemployment Benefits

  1. Aussa Lorens says:

    Oh my gosh, can’t even pick a favorite. Each was better than the last. So sad to learn that Justin Bieber isn’t really going away :-/

    Like

  2. averagebob says:

    Sarah Palin? Wow. I had kind of forgotten about her. Unemployment suits her quite well as far as I’m concerned.

    Like

  3. Brilliant stuff as always sir.

    Like

  4. Laura says:

    I’m pretty sure the person in #8 doesn’t exist — which was kind of the problem.

    Like

  5. bernasvibe says:

    Glad most of us stopped depending on the major U.S. networks to supply us with news-that-matters..Awfully odd this story was kept quiet@cutting unemployment benefits..Yet? I saw more stories on talentless Miley’s performance/antics than the law should’ve allowed! I never heard about Bieber’s fake retirement though..the things some people do for publicity! Authenticity hopefully will make a comeback in 2014?? Trying to pick a fave this time was easy…#1! Right ON. Have a Happy New Year X!(and your readers..) looking forward to anything you write in 2014 🙂

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I have basically stopped using mainstream media – I mainly read blogs, and I just use sites like CNN, Huffington Post, Snopes to confirm that stories aren’t completely fake. And still I have to admit that even I wrote many more words on Miley than on unemployment. Maybe unemployment is just one of a handful of topics I find it hard to laugh about.
      By the way, I noticed that while people defended Robertson’s constitutional right to free expression, with all the Miley-related noise, none of the same people defended Miley’s First Amendment right to twerk and stick out her tongue – and legally, that most likely also counts as a protected speech.

      Like

      • bernasvibe says:

        I think Miley’s ‘act’ offended so many people that no one cared enough about her to defend her..In any way. Even IF she had played off being sexy , she’d have gotten more respect. (even though she can’t sing; sex still sells..) But it was such a pathetic excuse(I can twerk better than her & I’m 50!) for twerking with that little boy body..Ewwww..Let me stop because I’ve said enough about her months ago..She’s such an easy target though

        Like

  6. john zande says:

    Happy New Year, X… Have a great one!

    Like

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    Ugh! My nieces and nephews are going to be pi**ed at Beiber’s un-retirement. He best be happy that they live hundreds of miles away. Great list and Happy New Year to you…

    Like

  8. Katie says:

    I think Sarah’s going to be okay. I heard she’s supposed to be on some reality show or something called Really Moose Hunters of Alaska.

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  9. Amaya says:

    Mitt Romney flip-flopping burgers-hahaHA!! Good stuff, X. Not pleased to hear about Bieber’s “joke.” Perhaps, at least, he will stop wearing those ridiculous pants.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I just hope Bieber keeps his pants on, whatever they look like, because I’m worried about his idea of jokes.
      And Mitt Romney definitely should find a job, otherwise he’ll be one of those 47% takers he talks so much about.

      Like

  10. Carrie Rubin says:

    My heart bleeds for these celebrities. Poor creatures… Great post, as always. Happy New Year!

    Like

  11. The Cutter says:

    Somehow I’m confident that most of those people will be able to bounce back.

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  12. PsiFiGal says:

    They’re all funny! Thanks for the lists and hope to see more of them in the coming year, Happy New Year X!

    Like

  13. Sherry says:

    Nuts I was hoping #3 was gonna stay….oh shucks…the brat is continuing…now him and M. Cyrus would make a wonderful marriage…doncha think?

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  14. Twindaddy says:

    Everybody mentioned here is a loser of some sort. I wish I didn’t know who they were…

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  15. I knew there had to be a medical reason to explain Miley’s tongue…

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  16. pegoleg says:

    Phil Robertson needs to sign up Miley Cyrus’ PR agent. He is a genius for grabbing headlines with his client’s bad behavior in such a way that everybody thinks she’s swell.

    Like

  17. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    Bwah ha ha ha! Too funny!

    Like

  18. Happy New Year X.

    My heart goes pitter patter each time you show up in my e-mail. I am certain Phil is courting Sarah, we will see it soon. A new reality show with the two of them … watch and see.

    Like

  19. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Sarah Palin, to my view from what I’ve seen & read, is the butt of a joke. Now here, you made me laugh still!

    Great list!

    Like

  20. Mal Content says:

    Snowden was hired to be Johnny Tightlips, but instead he turned out to be Frankie the Squealer.

    Like

  21. Hey man, this is unrelated to this post but I just read your interview (sorry, inner view) on “Pouringmyartout”… You’re a very amusing and talented chap. I loved it!

    Like

  22. Trent Lewin says:

    How the heck have I not been reading your blog? Is it a WordPress conspiracy? Is it sheer global lunacy? Is it my inherent lack of intelligence? Smarter people than me will have to decide.

    Like

  23. Trent Lewin says:

    What I mean to say is that this is really funny. Really really funny.

    Like

  24. maurnas says:

    I laughed so hard at this!

    Like

    • List of X says:

      But unemployed celebrities are not a laughing matter! Just look at what happened with Bieber – he isn’t even retired yet, but he’s quickly heading for the very bottom.

      Like

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