10 New Advertising Slogans For Milk

Milk advertising then and now: Taylor Swift in a Got Milk? ad, and... I don't even know what this is now. Taylor Swift is already working on a song about being dumped by the milk industry.

Milk advertising then and now: Taylor Swift in a “Got Milk?” ad, and… and… I don’t even know what this is now.
(According to reliable sources, Swift is already working on a song about being dumped by the milk industry.)

Many of you probably remember the famous “Got Milk?” ads, featuring celebrities with a milk mustache. But this week, the milk producers have announced that they will end the “Got Milk” advertising campaign, since, apparently, this campaign hasn’t been working that well in recently, and less and less milk has been sold every year. In fact, milk’s market share has decreased so much that its picture has began appearing on the milk cartons. The industry is working on new slogans to improve milk’s image, and I’ve decided to help them in this difficult task. Here are 10 suggested advertising slogans for milk.

1) Milk! Just don’t think about where it came from!

2) The only beverage Justin Bieber isn’t drinking!

3) Recommended by 4 out of 5 Santas.

4) Milk! The cool white stuff that you don’t have to shovel!

5) Milk. Great for your health, because our cows’ feed contains 20% antibiotics!

6) Un-crunch your cereal!

7) Contains protein, calcium, and milk!

8) Buy our milk, or we will kill the cow!

9) Occupy milk! Drink the 1%!

10) Time to buy a new carton, because the one in your fridge is probably expired. (And no, we don’t know whether you’re supposed to recycle the empty carton or throw it out, either.)

Disclaimer: Cookies not included. For internal use only. Do not drink warm milk and operate heavy machinery. If wings made of milk start growing on your back, stop using the product and consult a physician immediately.

And since we’re on the subject of health, advertising, and helping others, might as well get serious for a minute… A fellow blogger, Merbear74 of Knocked Over By a Feather, has been suffering from fibromyalgia, and recently her condition had become so bad that she has been unable to work, and may lose her home to unpaid taxes. Go here for her full story and the information how to donate, or just spread the word, if you can.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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150 Responses to 10 New Advertising Slogans For Milk

  1. Ankur Mithal says:

    Not really directly connected to the post, but on reading at I am reminded of a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon strip where Calvin is wondering about who that first guy was who looked at this creature and said I am going to drink whatever comes out by squeezing a part of its anatomy.

    Like

  2. Does milk need a slogan? You’d think they could get away with just showing pictures of large-breasted women in bikinis…

    Like

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for $4 a gallon?

    I also thought of the Calvin and Hobbes comic 🙂

    Like

    • List of X says:

      That’s a small price to pay for not having to deal with manure or squeezing cow’s udders.

      Like

    • samara says:

      There are so many things I wonder about, in terms of “who thought of eating THAT?”

      Like olives. Did you ever eat an uncured olive? it’s vile. Who could possibly have eaten one and mistaken it for anything remotely edible? And then developed the whole curing process.

      What human being actually figured out, hey, I’m going to add bacteria to milk and it’ll make something I’ll want to eat? Isn’t that sort of what yogurt is ?

      Like

  4. Katie says:

    Uncrunch your cereal is the clear winner for me.

    Like

  5. You’ve outdone yourself. These are all excellent, workable substitutes. Are you in advertising? You should be.

    Taylor Swift sells milk AND coke. There’s a big billboard of her in Times Square holding a guitar (as above) next to giant Coke logo. Does she need the cash? Is it just too easy and irresistible to turn down.

    Like

    • Anonymous says:

      So she gets to destroy teeth and then sell stuff that builds it back up? She definitely doesn’t need the cash, but hello, lookie, it’s her FACE. EVERYWHERE.

      Like

    • List of X says:

      Taylor Swift’s does ads for Coke, too? This must be a part of Coke’s new “Sweet and bubbly” campaign.
      Thanks, and no, I’m not in advertising. But you could probably tell that just by looking at the ridiculously low count of my Twitter followers.

      Like

      • I think I can top that. I don’t HAVE a Twitter account. Or a Facebook page. I assume the audience for both would be minuscule, as it is currently for my blog. To me, that would be adding insult to injury. Why exacerbate the deficiencies in my life?

        Like

        • List of X says:

          I have both. I mainly use Twitter to post stuff that I can’t expand into a full-fledged list of 10. And there are some entertaining people there too. But I don’t have kids, don’t photograph food, and don’t post my vacation pictures, so I’m not sure what I need Facebook for.

          Like

          • Betty White made a joke in Saturday Night Live that when she was young, being forced to look at someone’s vacation pics used to be a form of punishment.

            I should set up both FB and Twitter accounts to help promote my blog posts. Not sure what else is do with it.

            Like

            • List of X says:

              I think you should. I know a blogger whose blog’s FB page has almost 20,000 readers but a blog has only a few hundred WP followers.

              Like

              • ONLY a few hundred followers! I’ll take ONE hundred!

                I don’t know…it all sound kind of tedious to maintain. I don’t want to turn it into a goddamn job. I’ve already got one goddamn job and don’t need another.

                Like

                • List of X says:

                  Wow, I just looked at your number of followers, and I’m shocked. I thought you had at least a few hundred judging by the number of comments you get. In fact, you get more comment action than some blogs with 50x or 100x the number of your followers.

                  Like

                  • They’re a small but vocal bunch. Plus, I try to write posts that instigate discussions or make people pause. I migrated my blog over to a proper WP dot com sight several weeks ago with the specific intent of generating a wider audience. It’s a slow slog but every week I pick up a few more readers. Perhaps by 2015 I’ll hit that illusive 100 mark. Fingers crossed!

                    Like

        • samara says:

          Facebook is a lying whore. It’s a cyber depiction of America’s relationship with credit.

          I don’t have a FB or Twitter for my blog either. Because promoting my blog is not high on my list of priorities.

          People with stupendous followings – they freaking tweet CONSTANTLY. Blog success is sometimes less about writing and more about marketing. I haven’t mastered the art of full time self promotion either, but when we do, boy are WE GOING TO BE HUGE!!

          Like

          • List of X says:

            I don’t think you have to promote your blog. I think anyone who ends up on it and reads one of your posts to the end immediately gets hooked.

            Like

            • samara says:

              Wow! That is such a great compliment.

              But you know what I mean. Some bloggers are SERIOUS about blogging. They want to be professional bloggers. I can just tell. Good for them. Go for it.

              I just can’t spend all my time tweeting and twatting and facebooking, etc. I had a social media ntern for my business last summer. She did all that stuff for my company’s facebook and twitter accounts.

              I haven’t posted one thing since she went back to college.

              Like

              • List of X says:

                I don’t really get how you can become a professional blogger. Do you run tons of ads? Write paid posts? I’d rather get paid at my job and do this for fun.

                Like

                • samara says:

                  Well, some people are trying to become the next James Altucher.

                  The next The Bloggess.

                  I guess they make a living writing books; they sell shit on their blogs, they sell ad space. All of that.

                  We shouldn’t get into this in the open. But surely you can spot which bloggers are working the self-promotion shit like crazy. For fuck’s sake!

                  No more. I have nothing against that. And yes, I’d rather have a regular job and blog for fun, too. I would not like to be pressured to come up with a blog post. That would be excruciating for me.

                  To each his own. That’s what makes the world go round! Yay for diversity!

                  And for cow’s milk, which is terrible for humans!

                  Like

  6. Anonymous says:

    How about “The touch, the feel of milk, that stuff Mom makes you drink?”

    Like

  7. Anonymous says:

    And WordPress was ignoring my comment, then put it in twice. It’s in on the conspiracy!

    Like

  8. Trent Lewin says:

    This deserves a better response than I have time for at the moment. Nuff said. But I will return. Oh yes I will.

    Like

  9. Amaya says:

    I’ve never been a milk drinker, other than in cereal, but stopped that recently after my sister told me about the inner working of dairy farms. She asked why I would want to drink dead babies’ milk, because they take the baby cows, raise them as veal, then slaughter them while milking the moms for our consumption. So that’s what I now think of. Dead baby’s milk. Not a good slogan.

    Like

  10. Alan Brech says:

    Good concise jokes, and I’m a milk drinker….Joke #10 was the only weak one–as the Vietnamese might have said back in the ’60’s, Number 10 was Numba 10. But the rest were very good. And lean too…

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thanks – but I liked #10 (it was actually 2 for 1 deal of 2 separate jokes that I couldn’t choose to use.) But since you’re not fully satisfied with my product, I can offer to exchange it for one of the following:
      Made by India’s holiest animal!
      Stolen from the cows’ children!
      It’s Okay to drink and drive!
      Don’t cry over spilled milk! Buy more!

      Like

  11. Twindaddy says:

    Perhaps people actually started looking at the label on the side of the cartoon and realized how many carbs and how much sugar was in just one small cup of milk and decided to get their calcium some other way.

    If it weren’t for cereal and chocolate syrup, I wouldn’t ever consume milk at all, despite your very clever slogans for them.

    Like

  12. 11. Milk–just pretend it’s cow piss!!! Wait……

    Like

  13. ahaha 4-5 Santa’s!! The cool white stuph you don’t have to shovel! Soo funny.

    Thank you for posting about Mer!

    Like

  14. stephenpruis says:

    The Disclaimer was the best part. I don’t know why these other commenters can’t see that. And shouldn’t there be something about a four-hour erection in there?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      It’s probably because we tend not to pay too much attention to disclaimers and small print in general. 🙂 Although, if people did pay attention, putting something about a four-hour erection in the disclaimer would probably double or triple the milk sales.

      Like

  15. merbear74 says:

    Thank you X, for the shout out. I drink soy milk once in awhile..reminds me of chalk, actually.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I really hope this helps.
      And I think I’d rather chew chalk than drink soy milk. I really dislike those foods that pretend to be something they’re not – like almost anything made of soy.

      Like

  16. In my sci-fi books, I put forth the premise that aliens love everything that humans do… except for holding mammals hostage, touching their boobs, and stealing their milk.

    Like

  17. Carrie Rubin says:

    “In fact, milk’s market share has decreased so much that its picture has began appearing on the milk cartons.”—Ha! Very clever. Loved #8 and 9, too!

    Like

  18. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    Cow’s milk – not almond – not soy! Got tit?

    Like

  19. djmatticus says:

    Thanks for spreading the message to help save Merry’s home. 😀

    And thanks for the laughs about milk too. It does kind of gross me out when I think about where it comes from. And I really try hard not to think about everything they put in the cow feed that is then getting passed on to us. I kept expecting one of the ten to pop up as a cookie’s best friend, … but, the disclaimer was a nice touch. So, I wasn’t disappointed.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Well, I couldn’t have milk without the cookie, so I had no choice in the matter. 🙂
      A lot of common foods are actually naturally weird once we really start thinking about it – and I’m not even talking about exotic foods like fried spiders. Just regular honey or eggs would have seemed totally alien as food concepts if we hadn’t grown up thinking of them as “regular food”.
      Or the processed foods, I can’t even begin to imagine what sort of stuff goes there – chemical, food coloring made of beetles, and so on, Food is fun.

      Like

  20. Elyse says:

    Oh I can just taste a cool frosty mug … Only not of milk!

    Like

  21. Trent Lewin says:

    X, I live not far from the Biebs. I saw him drinking milk from a cow in a farmer’s field the other day. Please explain this phenomenon.

    And I’m sorry, but the generic cow-based milk is now no longer the only milk you know… we have milk made out of soy. And rice. And almonds. We have milk made out of almonds. I love saying that.

    I have a further question: why don’t we feed human milk to cows? Wouldn’t that somewhat make sense?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Bieber drinking milk from a cow? As in, directly from the udder? That’s because he is a cowsucker.
      No, it doesn’t make sense to feed cows with human milk. Humans and cows just don’t produce the same amount of milk: a cow makes something like 5-6 gallons a day; I doubt any woman could match that. Also, cows don’t have jobs, and they never ask to switch to the formula because they are eager to get back to work.

      Like

  22. I have always hated milk. Even as a child, hated it. Thought it was disgusting and would spill it whenever I had the opportunity. My mother once poured an entire pitcher over my head in retribution. Milk, bah.

    These were awesome, especially 2, 8, 9.

    Like

  23. pegoleg says:

    They’re going with “Milk Life”? Interesting choice, because it’s so…interesting.
    I bet sales would skyrocket if they really publicized that apparent drink milk/sprout wings connection. I’d buy some.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      “Milk life” – this motto is so bland and plain that it perfectly represents milk. And I don’t think that kids will be really impressed by the number of grams of protein in a cup of milk.
      There are other ways to increase milk sales besides milk wings: for example, include a warning that milk may cause vivid hallucinations or prolonged erection.

      Like

      • pegoleg says:

        Yeah, because I need more commercials to come on with warnings about erections lasting more than 4 hours when I’m watching TV with my 84-year-old mother. I used to think the mother/daughter “do you douche?” commercials were bad!

        Like

  24. El Guapo says:

    Since I didn’t buy the cow, shouldn’t I be able to get the milk for free?

    Like

  25. samara says:

    “In fact, milk’s market share has decreased so much that its picture has began appearing on the milk cartons”
    THIS.
    i hope you don’t mind my snarking all over your blog. And by the way, I recently joined the newly formed Alliance of the Damned – and as my title, I’m using Queen of Snark. And crediting YOU for the title!

    What the DOG is coming off that little girl’s shoulders? Milk/water wings? That’s just the stupidest thing ever.

    Like

  26. Should i also consult a physician if I have a 4 hour erection?

    Like

  27. The Hook says:

    My Lord, X, this was your greatest work outside of the political sphere… EVER!
    Seriously, this was brilliant on every level.

    Like

  28. mollytopia says:

    “Got Milk” reminds me of bad maternity tees from 10 years ago. It’s probably time to make a change. Your slogans would TOTALLY be helpful. Nicely done as usual : )

    Like

  29. mollytopia says:

    PS thanks for the heads up on Knocked Over By A Feather – I validated her : )

    Like

  30. Great list! Each one made me laugh.

    Like

  31. Pingback: Advertising | Advertisingworld.co

  32. #9. Clearly the best.

    Like

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