After recent protests in Ukraine ousted pro-Russian president Viktor Yanukovych, Russian parliament voted to give Russian president Vladimir Putin the authority to use military force to protect ethnic Russians in Crimea peninsula and Eastern Ukraine. As of Sunday, armed Russian-speaking people in unmarked military uniforms have been running around Crimea, surrounding Ukrainian military bases and demanding their surrender, setting up checkpoints, seizing Crimean parliament, while Ukraine has declared a mobilization of its troops – so, apparently, ethnic Russians in Crimea must now be feeling more protected than they ever have. Although Russia hasn’t actually declared a war, or admitted that it has de-facto invaded Ukraine, there’s a very short list of countries with Russian-speaking militaries. Here are 10 reasons why Russia is invading Ukraine.
1) Vladimir Putin is sending Russian military into Ukraine in order to prevent the violence that would be caused by the Russian military’s arrival into Ukraine.
2) Ukrainian flag is yellow and blue, Ukrainians had an Orange revolution – and if Russia doesn’t put an end to this color-adding tendency, it could turn into a full-scale rainbow gay propaganda.
3) Still giddy from Russia’s winning 2014 Sochi Olympics’ medal count, Vladimir Putin is hoping to pad the medal count even more by taking over Ukraine with its two Olympic medals.
4) Russia has found undeniable proof that there are weapons of mass destructions located on Crimea peninsula, specifically on the Russian military base in Sevastopol.
5) Vladimir Putin felt bad for Sarah Palin, who is still being mercilessly mocked for her 2008 Vice Presidential run, and decided to make her 2008 prediction that Russia would invade Ukraine come true, so that she’d finally get to be right for once.
6) This intervention is just another manifestation of Vladimir Putin’s severe mid-life crisis: he got divorced, started dating gymnasts and walking around without a shirt on, and it all began when Vladimir realized that, being the president of Russia, he has already peaked and everything will go downhill from there.
7) If Tea Party ever gets their wish and deposes Barack Obama, Putin wants to be prepared to annex the historically Russian territories of Alaska and Northern California. (That would also make everyone stop joking about Palin’s seeing Russia from her house.)
8) Vladimir Putin was very upset that Barack Obama hasn’t been returning his phone calls.
9) Putin is hoping that after Russia invades Ukraine and restores Yanukovych to power, Ukraine would return the favor and invade Russia, in case Putin has trouble with protesters in Moscow.
10) And the last and most important reason: Mother Russia doesn’t need any reasons to invade anybody.
(Русский перевод тут)