After Russian military occupied Crimea peninsula in Ukraine, most Republican leaders have complained that Barack Obama needs to show strength in dealing with the Russians. (My blogging buddy Elyse of FiftyFourAndAHalf has just featured my guest post retelling such an interview.) Of course, not a single Republican leader is crazy enough to actually propose that we try to invade or bomb Russia – because, unlike Libya, Syria, Iraq, or Afghanistan, Russians just might nuke us back. And according to a recent survey of the American registered voters, “getting nuked by Russia” is polling very poorly – just barely better than the approval rating of the United States Congress. So, short of an actual military involvement, here are 10 ways how Republicans propose Barack Obama should get tough on Russia.
1) Release a photo of somber Obama, to show the Russkies that America is taking this very seriously. Better yet, make it a shirtless pick, and Photoshop abs and pecs to show our strength.
2) Send a high-level diplomatic delegation to Ukraine. This will show how tough Americans can be – tough enough to brave a first-class flight to Europe.
3) Abolish the Environmental Protection Agency and end all environmental regulations on the American industry. Sure, we’d get tons of pollution, but Russia, with twice the land area, would get hit with twice as much of it.
4) Cut off all American TV satellite feeds to Russia. Left without their favorite shows like Duck Dynasty, Keeping up with Kardashians, and Honey Boo Boo, Russians will take to the streets to overthrow the brutal Putin’s regime.
5) Ban Russian officials from visiting the US and Europe. If Putin kleptocrats want to come and invest their dirty money here, well, tough luck, they just gonna have to use wire transfers.
6) Cut benefits to American veterans. By showing that Obama is willing to get tough on the American soldiers, we will send a clear message to Putin just how tough we could be on the Russian ones.
7) Suspend Russia from the elite industrialized nations club G-8, and if they don’t leave Ukraine immediately, permanently take away Russia’s G-spot.
8) End all discussion and communications with Russia unrelated to the conflict. This means no more liking their Facebook statuses, retweeting their tweets, or tagging them in G-8’s Instagram photos.
9) Propose a UN resolution condemning Russia, so that Russia could veto it, and their veto would expose Russia as huge hypocrites for caring only about Russian interests – unlike, say, the United States.
10) Send Justin Bieber on a tour through Russia, to play concerts until they surrender.
Many thanks to Republican foreign policy hawk, Senator Marco Rubio, for outlining some of these proposals.