10 Reactions To Arizona’s Anti-Gay Law

Jess

Jesus tells the apostles that they will have to find another restaurant for the Last Supper, because the tavern owner (originally from Arizona) is refusing to serve a bunch of dudes going out for dinner together. (Image from eborg2 . com)

Last week, Arizona’s House of Representatives passed a bill that would allow business owners to deny service to gays and lesbians as long as the business owner professes sincere belief that gays should burn in Hell. The bill has been sent to Arizona’s governor Jan Brewer to be signed, and as the law’s creators explain it, it only seeks to protects business owners’ freedom to live according to their faith, and to make their customers live according to the same faith. Here are 10 reactions to the proposed law.

1)  James Grady, used car salesman from Flagstaff, AZ: “No matter what the law says, I’m not going to discriminate and will sell a car to any customer. However, it would be against my sincerely-held religious conviction to refund the money for a defective car.”

2)  John Kavanagh, Arizona state Representative: “Some people have started comparing this law to the Jim Crow segregation, and I just want to say that this comparison is absolutely ridiculous.  Of course, it’s not like gays would have to use separate drinking fountains. Our state’s budget is very tight and we’re not going to install special water fountains for gays. No, they’re just going to have to carry bottled water.”

3)  Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: “Look, I’m happy that you want to follow our example, but if you’re just going to translate Russia’s anti-gay laws and pass them as your own, you’re going to hear from our lawyer.”

4)  Rick Allenton, small business owner, Tucson: “I’m really excited about a law, because I think gayness is a sin. But I worry that the gays may hide their true identity and pretend to be straight to buy my fishing supplies. I don’t want to discriminate against the honest people. Is there any way we can make the gays to maybe wear a rainbow star on their clothing so that we could tell them apart from the normal people?”

5)  Phoenix Business Association: “We ask Governor Brewer to veto this bill. We fear that the businesses in our state may become a target for boycott by other states, which will likely drive down the economic growth – and this is at the time when our state’s most important industry is basically just a huge hole in the ground.”

6)  Jan Brewer, Governor: “It’s not ok for politician to impose restriction on small business owners and tell them what they can and cannot do.  That’s the responsibility of religion.”

7)  Closets’R’Us, furniture store: “If this law ever goes into effect, we expect a lot of demand for closet space.”

8)  Joe “Big” Otterman, moving company driver: “This law really puts me in a pickle. See, I really want these perverts to move out of my state, but I can’t help them move out because of my religion!”

9)  Mamnoon Hussain, president of Pakistan: “You Americans always call on moderate Muslims to denounce Islamic extremists. So, when your moderate Christians are planning on denouncing your extremists?”

10)  Chad Stevens, LGBT right activist: “The law says it’s ok for business owners to discriminate if their religious belief are sincere. So I’m going to verify the sincerness of their Christian beliefs by slapping their right cheek and watching their reaction.”

2/27/14 update: Governor Brewer has vetoed the bill. Those unfortunate business owners will be forced to find another way to discriminate against gays.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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106 Responses to 10 Reactions To Arizona’s Anti-Gay Law

  1. Nadia says:

    This bill is just nuts. I’m surprised people can come up with this shit. What Hussain ‘said’. And Chad.

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  2. HoaiPhai says:

    If you have the chance, please extend my admiration to all authors of the ten pointed letters.

    P.S. #10 is a wonderful test and in the words of (can I say that when I’m quoting but not verifying that what I write is accurate?) the comedian Gallagher “I might be a woman trapped inside a man’s body but I don’t know it because she’s a lesbian”. That’s something to think about, eh?

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    • List of X says:

      #10 is a very quick and effective test, however, I wouldn’t actually recommend using it in a state where so many people hold sincere beliefs in the 2nd amendment. (In fact, these would be more sincere than Christian beliefs, since I doubt these business owners would carry a Bible holster).

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      • HoaiPhai says:

        Why do they always jump ahead to the amendments and ignore Preamble #2 about the President being the Executive Branch and therefore the one who carves the White House holiday turkey and getting first crack at the white meat? (Pardon me if I misquote your constitution a bit but I’m a Canadian and we have our own constitution that says a lot of really nice-sounding stuff and one part that says that a provincial government can cross it’s fingers and opt out of a respecting a given right, so tough luck if you get your rights taken away. And the federal government is bad-assier than the provinces so it’s assumed that the citizenry continues to breath at the Prime Minister’s pleasure.)

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        • List of X says:

          Wait, are you saying there is something in Constitution that comes BEFORE the 1st Amendment?? I know some people here in the US would be shocked by that.
          At least your Constitution is honest about the right of government to take away whatever rights it gave you. Our government theoretically can’t do that, but if it really wants to break it, it can (and did) do it.

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          • HoaiPhai says:

            Yeah! And during election campaigns provincial political parties actually promise to invoke “The Opting Out Clause”! Usually the idea is to entice voters by promising to limit the rights of other people that the voter thinks doesn’t deserve a particular right (e.g. minority language rights and, right now, the right of citizens to wear stuff that indicates what religion they believe in when getting or giving government services. Symbols indicating Christianity are the exception as long as they are small.

            At least you guys can arm yourselves with AK-47s to defend yourselves from a possible future rabid government armed with heavy stealth bombers and nukes. Here in Canada we can only hope for an Arctic air mass that will force the Canadian armed forces back to the barracks to have a snow day.

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  3. renxkyoko says:

    This is so depressing. It can mean anything. They can actually discriminate indiscriminately. I can go in there, a brown Asian -American, and not be served. They can just say I’m gay Asian – American, no ifs or buts……. but the truth is , I’m not white. this is horrible. How can they even tell who is gay or who is straight? perhaps in Arizona, people should start wearing a symbol embroidered in their dress ” I’m straight?” Arizona is like Nazi Germany.

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    • List of X says:

      I have no idea, too. Maybe someone’s religious beliefs also assume that anyone who looks different from them must be gay – as in, any darker than ivory, having an accent, dressed better than jeans and T-shirt…

      Like

  4. Laura says:

    If I’m reading it correctly, the bill allows anyone of any religion to refuse to serve anyone for any reason related to a deeply-held religious belief. I’m looking forward to the unintended consequences.

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  5. Ankur Mithal says:

    Sounds like another well thought out piece of legislation

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  6. Hay-seuss! You’re not seriously considering wearing those sandals are you? Have some self respect and get yourself a pedi first!

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    • Just to clarify, Jesus’ decision to wear the sandals despite the objections of some of his more stylish disciples, should not give the owner of Barney’s Loaf and Fish Emporium the right to refuse him service. Multiplying loaves and fishes on the other hand, decreases demand for Barney’s product and may result in reduced sales. Perhaps Barney had an ulterior motive for the refusal to serve him. This is complicated.

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  7. Trent Lewin says:

    Don’t forget about India, X. They’ve just upheld some hundred fifty year old law criminalizing homosexuality… what a joke. And didn’t some African country recently do something similar? It’s almost like we’re moving backwards several steps, and I don’t understand that, it seems to me the world is getting smarter… but I could be wrong. I could also be dumb.

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  8. I am thinking Hussain and Chad have it right, or is that correct cause Jan has it ‘right’.

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  9. Amaya says:

    Another instance of truth being much more unbelievable than fiction. Rainbow stars could happen in that loony state! Another excellent list.

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    • List of X says:

      I have no idea how else these business owners would tell who’s gay and who’s not. I’d mess with those people by buying something, and then, on my way out, saying something like: “Oh, thank you! I’m glad that you serve gays here”. 🙂

      Like

    • List of X says:

      I have no idea how else these business owners would tell who’s gay and who’s not. I’d mess with those people by buying something, and then, on my way out, saying something like: “Oh, thank you! I’m glad that you serve gays here”. 🙂

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  10. Is the fact that the Apostles were all men who ran away from their wives to be with one another lost those guys?! Helllloooooo ‘Frisco!

    I lived in Phoenix for 18 months. At that time, they had a Governor named Evan Mecham, who was a racist pig. His first act in office was to rescind the MLK holiday and said there was nothing wrong with calling black children “pickaninnies.” A horrible place.

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    • List of X says:

      I just googled Mecham, and wow, what a character! Indictment, impeachment, recall, boycott – and all that in barely 15 months in the office. I’m impressed. The current crop of Republican governors seems positively well-mannered compared to this guy,

      Like

      • Isn’t he a riot! He was a racist car salesman who squeaked into office with 40% of the vote in a three-way race. After he made the ‘pickaninnie’ comment, I started seeing bumper stickers that said, “What we did for Governor: Pick a ninny.”

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    • ohnwentsya says:

      I’ve never been to AZ but from what I have heard from others it gives Florida serious competition for most wacky dangerous racist place in America. A friend’s fiance went out to celebrate some of his art being displayed at a major museum, was mugged and robbed-and then beaten by the cops when he reported the crime. Of course he was indigenous:-/ Some old lady visiting a family member explained to me that they dont have to have MLK DAY in Arizona because there are “no black people there”. Sheriff Joe Arpaio. And finally, when my husband was out at dinner he was the subject of some loud, drunken, Arizona Postal workers conversation. They decided that he “would be f**kable if he were white”. It sounds like a place to avoid to me!

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      • List of X says:

        I’ve never been to Arizona myself (and based on your comment, it appears I’ve made the right choice), but I can’t disagree with you. I can also mention the Arizona’s famous immigration law. It was struck down by the Supreme Court, but the state did pass it.

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        • ohnwentsya says:

          I almost forgot about that-it was mostly another excuse to harass indigenous people as if they need one:-/ I wonder about people who base so much of their lives on judging, oppressing and harassing others. What must be going on inside their heads that they need targets to project so much onto?
          Here is St Petersburg we have a stupendous huge exuberant gay pride rainbow parade day so I guess despite Voldemort, I mean Scott, we are a tad more sane and fun than AZ ( we also lack Sheriff Joe which is always good:-)

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  11. Twindaddy says:

    LMAO at #10.

    Seriously, this bill is effed up. What religion’s holy book actually says it’s okay to condemn “sinners”? This is just bigotry, plain and simple.

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  12. john zande says:

    In some ways I hope the Muslims get wind of this and run amok.

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  13. Jueseppi B. says:

    Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat™.

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  14. Dr. Rex says:

    This is exactly as some people would think. Scary times getting worse!

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  15. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    This I gave to share …. Please take a look!! TY ..

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  16. EagleAye says:

    Brilliant as always. You seriously got me laughing with all of them. I like #9 the best though. We really do need to do something about our religious extremists. Luckily, Arizona has made it very easy to figure out where they’ve holed up.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you! Arizona is just one of those states where they’ve holed up, but it’s not the only one. Similar bills have been brought up in several different states as well, although only Arizona is about to make it an actual law.

      Like

  17. Sherry says:

    well done indeed….a draconian law….we shall see if they have the guts to hang out their hatred this publicly. We shall respond if they do with boycott..

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  18. This could be very interesting.

    There’s no question it will be challenged, and then its defenders will be forced to publicly explain in court how exactly their religion prohibits their businesses from serving gays and lesbians. And then they get to be cross examined.

    Is there even a defense they could bring? It will be an entettaining train wreck.

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    • List of X says:

      Yes, I’d like to see how they prove the sincerity of their belief. If I were the attorney, I would go through every Biblical commandment and rule, and ask them to provide documented proof that they don’t eat pork, never committed adultery, gave money to the poor, and so on, and so on.

      Like

  19. stephenpruis says:

    Okay, so AZ is a Stand Your Ground State, too. I feel sorry for those poor shop owners because according to their laws, they can refuse to serve somebody because they are a drag queen, but if the drag queen feels threatened, they are allowed to start shooting. What a dilemma!

    A fine effort LOX, well done.

    Like

  20. I like how you pointed out that they should wear a rainbow star. I mean, unless the gay couple is displaying major PDA, how the heck are they going to know the couple is gay? What if I want to go out with my (platonic) girlfriend for a drink? Can I not do that now? Do I need to leave the “I’m not a homosexual” seat between us? How does this work?

    Of course I’m sure they think all gay people are just having sex right there in the booth, so they’ll know for sure.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      What would confuse things further is that in some cultures, it’s perfectly ok for two men to hold hands or kiss each other and not be gay. On the other hand, I think that the same business owners who would refuse to serve gays would also have strong religious beliefs that would not allow them to serve anyone from any other culture.

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  21. El Guapo says:

    Can we just write off AZ as mentally insane due to heatstroke, slap a “Welcome To The Asylum” sign at the border, and call it a day?

    Like

  22. Carrie Rubin says:

    This bill is unbelievable. At least the one in Kansas didn’t pass the state senate, but the fact that it passed their House and that two states have considered such laws makes my stomach turn. You can bet it will be a discussion at our dinner table tonight. Loved your take on it, exposing it as the craziness that it is.

    Like

  23. rossmurray1 says:

    This is why List of X was created. This is fantastic, sharp, biting stuff, my friend.

    Like

  24. you crakin’ me up… I have a sincere belief that I want to punch some representatives in the face…

    Like

  25. mhasegawa says:

    Was wondering how business owners would tell if the two men who came to eat were gay and married, brothers, or just best buds until I read #4.

    Like

  26. onnyu2 says:

    I can understand the pride for Arizona’s people to be compared to modern and civil countries like Russia, India and Uganda… still #4 was fantastic!

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Compared to Arizona, Russia and India just might seem like beacons of freedom and and progress 🙂 (Well, not really, but AZ is still much closer than, say, California or New Hampshire.

      Like

  27. Katie says:

    But think of all the potential job opportunities Arizona is creating for principled religious business-owners! This is the best news Chick-fil-A has ever gotten.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      But don’t those principled business owners already have jobs in their own businesses? Of course, they could always move to AZ and compete with local business owners at discriminating gays more efficiently.

      Like

  28. Eva says:

    I love these. Nice one. Brewer is insane.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you! And I must tell you, I took your (now also Freshly Pressed) advice and was writing this post as I was listening to Hicks’ Relentless. 🙂

      Like

      • Eva says:

        Oh, wow. I’m so pleased. When you get a chance, listen to his other routines: Sane Man, Dangerous, Revelations. They’re fantastic.

        I’m a little weirded out by the FPd thing because that piece was personal and about my brother… but, if it meant that others are checking out Hicks’ work then I’m happy.

        Like

  29. I vote we put more border patrol on the Arizona borders. To prevent them from leaving.

    This post was friggin hilarious, by the way, Mr. X.

    Like

  30. Pingback: There’s been something brewing …. and it’s coming to the surface! | It Is What It Is

  31. ohnwentsya says:

    Reblogged this on Spirit In Action and commented:
    Thank you for posting this. Mocking the stupid is a sacred duty of my religion (its how some of my ancestors kept their societies a bit more functional than our current one;-) perhaps their nastiness toward gay people will draw some attention to their consistently horrifying treatment of indigenous people. Arizona might be the one bright point in climate change-all those self absorbed jerks will soon be climate refugees with no water. It would be better if the other people who live there could be exempt tho:-/

    Like

  32. djmatticus says:

    The rainbow star comment… holy crap. Such a succinct way to show why this is such a ridiculous law. I hope the AZ governor has enough common sense to see that and veto it.

    Like

  33. I’m pretty sure those bigots have a backup plan for discrimination. Sadly.

    Like

  34. Pleun says:

    You think the US politicians get their inspiration from the Taliban? What an idiots and really why would voters want to spend money on such idiocy. Isnt there supposed to be a separation between religion and state?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Sometimes I think our politicians GIVE their inspiration to the Taliban. If you think I am joking, look at Uganda that passed their anti-gay law because certain Americans made them think it’s a good idea.
      And that wall of separation is just one of those inconvenient quotes “true believers” just choose to ignore – just like they do with some parts of the Bible.

      Like

  35. mollytopia says:

    OMG yes. In every possible way yes to this post. You’re awesome!

    Like

  36. Julie says:

    HAHAHAHA! Rainbow stars! That was my favorite!

    Like

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