10 Minor Changes Republican Presidential Candidates Want To Make To Future Debates

Reportedly, the Republican candidates are now forming a labor union to use the power of collective bargaining.

Reportedly, the Republican candidates are now forming a labor union with the slogan “Presidential candidates of the world, unite!”

Last week, CNBC channel had hosted the third Republican presidential debate, and the candidates haven’t been too happy with the way the network handled it. Nearly every campaign has complained how unfair questions from the debate moderators did not allow the candidates to showcase their toughness, readiness to face the challenges, and the idea of personal responsibility.  So the Republican campaigns got together and decided to issue a list of demands that TV networks would have to meet if they ever hope to host any future debates. Here are 10 very minor changes that Republican candidates would like TV networks to make in the future debates.

1)  Fact checkers should not be allowed to fact-check candidates’ statements, and if they even show up in the audience, should be arrested for trying to influence an election.

2)  No “gotcha questions” will be allowed, such as any questions related to economy, foreign policy, or social issues.

3)  Every debate moderator must be male, because no woman should be allowed to question Republican candidates, and should just vote as her husband tells her to.

4)  When asking a question, a debate moderator must stand on his knees and not make eye contact with any of the candidates. He must refer to each candidate as “Master” or “Your Grace”.

5)  The temperature in the hall must be kept under 67 degrees F, so that there would be no reason for anybody to bring up global warming.

6)  Each candidate should have equal speaking time during the debate. None of that “inequality is the engine of growth” idiocy should be applied to any of the candidates.

7)  TV cameras must not show any of the candidates from behind, especially when a candidate is consulting his or her notes, or is responding to his or her puppet strings.

8)  TV cameras should not show any close ups of the audience unless at least one black person is visible on the screen. TV camera must not pan over from one audience section to the next until the black person had already moved to that next section.

9)  The debate should last no more than two hours, allow all fifteen Republican candidates to be on stage, and give each of them at least 30 minutes of speaking time. Oh, and don’t bother arguing that these numbers don’t add up – the candidates have been using the same math in all Republican budgets for ages so it’s got to work.

10)  At least 20 minutes should be set aside for burning effigies of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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80 Responses to 10 Minor Changes Republican Presidential Candidates Want To Make To Future Debates

  1. aFrankAngle says:

    #1 was a great start … #8 got the biggest roar … #10 is fitting … but a gotcha question is defined as a question they have to answer.

    Like

  2. The Cutter says:

    As for #8, it sounds like Carson is going to be at every debate from now on, whether he’s running or not

    Liked by 2 people

  3. aFrankAngle says:

    PS: … Just heard the last half of an interview CNN did with Ben Carson … Yep – he hates answering questions, and those are the gotcha questions. He stokes his base, but pushes away the nonpartisans.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. NotAPunkRocker says:

    For #10, those must be some small effegies, or is that just to have them start burning?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Jim Wheeler says:

    A terrific list, X. How about one more?

    #11. Each candidate will be allowed to display not more than five American flags on and behind his podium and also five awards from the Defense industry.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Glazed says:

    I was waiting for this one. I believe one of Ben Carson’s demands was to not televise any more debates, but instead broadcast them on the internet. But if too many people watch it on the internet, he might add an additional demand, requiring user names and passwords for potential viewers.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. rossmurray1 says:

    If it wasn’t you, I wouldn’t be sure whether this was satire.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Steve Ruis says:

    #7 is very good, but #6? Never! This is socialism, where everyone is treated equality. They should prefer a dog on dog battle for time and let the the better man win, uh, but then that smacks too much of Evolution. Uh, random time, yeah, that’s the ticket, a lottery could be used to see who gets how many minutes.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I think since it’s a Republican debate, I think the most appropriate way to divide the time between the candidates would be to auction off the minutes of talking time, and let the free market decide the winner.

      Like

      • Jim Wheeler says:

        . . . auction off the minutes of talking time, and let the free market decide the winner.

        What an interesting idea. Fits right in with the 2011 Citizens United SCOTUS decision! Just think, with one more minor interpretation of the Constitution we could have President Goldman-Sachs!

        Like

  9. Elyse says:

    I often spew beverages through my nose when I read your posts, X. But today at lunch a piece of chicken got stuck when I was laughing at #8. Ouch.

    Like

  10. EagleAye says:

    Oh those annoying facts are always getting in the way of everything. I see why they want the fact-checkers removed. It’s really hard to pull the wool over the voters’ eyes when people rudely inject reality into the process.

    Like

  11. So “Boxers or briefs?” is still on the table? Interesting. . .

    Like

  12. Very very nice…really love it

    Like

  13. The Hook says:

    Why haven’t you run for public office, X?

    Like

  14. I weep with the truth of these. You are running very close these days are you certain you didn’t listen in to a conversation between Trumpet and all those nice media types?

    Like

  15. You must never stop writing lists lest my only source of news become Facebook, which you know always has the most up-to-date trending news. For instance, did you know that Napoleon Dynamite was seen asking Adele for chapstick on a Vine video mashup? Do you know what any of that means? I don’t. I do have questions for the next Republican debate such as “Just how many more dozens of debates will there be” and “How many candidates do you have anyway?” They seem to multiple overnight, like those Gremlin things.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I know who Adele is, but not Napoleon Dynamite. He’s not running for president, I think, but I’m not entirely sure.
      But I can answer the next question, though – “a freaking lot”, and “15 to 20, depending on the weather – cooler temperatures make some of the weaker candidates fall into hibernation.”

      Like

  16. I know this is parody but I’m kind of on board with the 2-hour limit. Seriously. I usually zone out after that, anyway. If there’s anything important they want to say, they’d better say it within the first two hours or they run the risk of losing me. Unless your last name is Shakespeare, nothing should be over two hours long.

    Like

  17. 11. They could all just become democrats…

    Like

  18. pegoleg says:

    Nothing worse than those pesky “gotcha” questions about so called “important” matters. Waste of time.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Yeah, judging by the last debate, the only things that the candidates really want to talk about was their families, and how Obama is destroying the American economy with this non-stop job growth.

      Like

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