According to numerous recent polls, Barack Obama would lose the presidential race to a “Generic Republican Candidate” if such a contest were held. Unfortunately, the Generic Republican Candidate has not officially declared his candidacy (yes, “his”, not “her” candidacy – a Generic Republican Candidate would definitely be a “he”). So in the absence of generic, the Republican voters must choose among the brand-name Republican presidential candidates currently available on the market. And since all of these candidates claim to be the cure for the economy, deficits, depression and socialism, here are 10 brief drug warning labels for the brand-name Republican candidates.
Michele Bachman®: May cause anger flashes, severe inflammation and dryness of the mouth. Will exacerbate or cause severe Obamophobia, although all reviewed brands tend to do that to a degree.
Donald Trump®: “As seen on TV”. Known to cause disorientation, confusion, dizziness and hair problems. In extreme cases, may lead to bankruptcy. Has strong but a short-lived effect. Does not work as advertised and quickly reaches expiration date.
Ron Paul®: May cause anxiety, restlessness, and obsessive attachment to gold. Highly addictive.
Mitt Romney®: As a front-running candidate, may cause the runs. In certain conditions may cause an abnormal economy growth but this side effect is not common.
Tim Pawlenty®: May cause drowsiness and constipation. However, the product had just been recalled by the manufacturer and will now be locally available only in Minnesota.
Jon Huntsman®: Essentially a product of the alternative medicine, influenced by the traditional Chinese medicine. However, unlike most comparable products, this one is not Tea-based. Has no known side effects but, as an many other alternative products do, has no proven benefits either. Still in development.
Newt Gingrich®: In high doses, has been known to cause a temporary paralysis of political system and a bladder incontinence (also known as “a trickle-down effect”).
Herman Cain®: May result in blurred vision of the future, moderate to severe mad-as-hell-and-not-gonna-take-it-anymore-ness, and mild pizza craving.
Rick Perry®: May cause a mild secession and extreme redness of your state.
Sara Palin®: May cause irritation, severe allergic reaction, and a hallucinatory vision impairment by causing you to see Russia from your house. In some male voters, may also cause an arousal of civic responsibility. Currently awaiting an approval from the FDA (First Dude of Alaska, Todd Palin) to return to the market.
Please do not hesitate to add side effects you are seeing, as different people may experience different side effects.