Last Saturday, Herman Cain declared that he is suspending his campaign amid allegations of sexual harassment and extramarital affairs, and, of course, falling poll numbers. But, of course, he did not quote these obvious reasons for the suspension. Here are 10 other reasons why he had suspended his campaign.
1) He could not find his birth certificate.
2) Cain’s 9-9-9 taxation plan proved to be too complex for Republicans (because essentially, any plan which requires paying any taxes whatsoever is too complex to GOP)
3) The presidential campaign was interfering with Mr. Cain’s focus on sexual harassment and extramarital affairs.
4) He had already landed a contract on Fox News, which is what he was really campaigning for anyway.
5) A number of Newt Gingrich’s wives, ex-wives and mistresses threatened to come forward with information about their relationships with Herman Cain, unless Cain drops out of the campaign and endorses Gingrich.
6) Herman Cain had realized that winning the election would require him to work in that very government which he hates so much.
7) The recent polls were clearly showing that Cain was quickly losing evangelical voters to Newt Gingrich and stupid voters to Rick Perry.
8) Herman Cain’s wife was extremely upset with him: not only she had found out that he had been cheating on her, but also as it turns out, he was running for president without even telling her.
9) He decided to take a pause to marry everybody he ever had a relationship with. Well, it worked for Gingrich, didn’t it?
10) While Herman Cain declared earlier that God told him to run, God admitted that he did say as much to Cain, but pointed out that he had that conversation with Cain on April 1st, and it was only meant to be a prank call.