Last night, Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses
with about 25% of the vote, with former senator Rick Santorum just behind him by 8 votes, followed by Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry, and then Michele Bachmann and Jon Huntsman in single digit percentages. Next week the circus will repeat in New Hampshire, and is eventually coming to a theater near you. The Iowa results were surprising and expected at the same time, and here are 10 of the reactions to the results of Iowa caucuses.
New Hampshire: Finally, now that the Iowa caucuses are done, we will get to enjoy the seven days once every four years during which everyone remembers that we are not a part of Massachusetts.
Rick Santorum: I am very surprised with the way the caucus turned out. I was not actually planning to win, since was only hoping to generate enough coverage which would overcome that horrible and nasty search result that always pops up on top when you Google the word “Santorum”. No-no-no! Don’t Google that!
Newt Gingrich: With so much negative advertising targeted at me in the last days before the caucuses, I can definitely declare my caucus result a great success. You know, I should definitely declare my entire primary campaign outcome a success right now. Actually, why wait, I am just going to declare my success in the general election… Ah, what the hell, I am the President!
Rick Perry: I think this is a very good result for me. I mean, there were only four candidates ahead of me – Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, and the fourth one… umm…. let’s see… ugh…, I can’t remember the fourth one. I can’t. Sorry. Oops.
Rick Santorum: No-no-no, don’t Google me!
Department of Political Science and Statistics, Harvard University: Statistically speaking, the fact that someone wins the Iowa caucuses does not serve as a reliable predictor of winning either the Republican nomination or the general election. Therefore, the nation could save millions of dollars if, instead doing all this campaigning, we would simply pick one of the candidate’s names from a hat.
Ron Paul: Well, I think my success in Iowa, and I have previously defined the success in Iowa as being one of the top three candidate there, signifies that I would definitely be just as successful in the general election, and therefore would most certainly make it in the top three in the match up against Barack Obama.
Mitt Romney: I have won by no less than 8 votes, with nearly 25% of voters choosing me! This is a clear indication of my superiority and my electability in the general campaign. You know it is true because I have defeated such a formidable candidate as Rick Santorum! Yep, Santorum. Don’t believe me? Google him!
Barack Obama: I don’t know about you guys, but I got 100% of the vote in mine. Granted, just three people bothered to show up for Democratic caucuses, but still, pretty good, huh?…
Jon Huntsman: The bad news is that, unfortunately, me being a multimillionaire businessman Mormon ex-governor with an obvious connection to Obama did not confuse the Iowa voters into thinking that I am Mitt Romney. But the good news is that 25% of caucus voters did cast a vote for Mitt Romney under apparent impression that they are voting for me.
Iowa: Noooo! Please, my beloved primary campaign, don’t leave me for that old New Hampshire hag! I can’t survive without your attention! Please don’t just use me and leave in the morning, like you always do! I beg you! I’ll behave, I promise, I will stop changing my mind every month! Remember how amazing the last year has been, just you and me, and no one else, and we had so much fun together…. Fine… Don’t wanna play it nice…. Ok…. You know what? I’m pregnant!
Joe Biden: Huh? What caucuses?